upended am i --
my mouth isn't
alimentally
consolidated,
set to clinched raw
token.
inflation on my body
hardens while
multiplying
more than i've collected
(in pocket),
myself.
my coat value
nears nothing;
dollars
of greens
aren't
in h a n d
ready
to pay my liver
health
which lubricates
my cutis,
recompensing
bills of bumps
popping up, a portent
Author notes
I couldn't quite pick between two poems, this one or "experience Splashing" ... I'm giving you the link if you're interested to see if you think I made a mistake in providing the better:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/3652384
With the word counter I used, it is: 60...
I hope I'm accurate!
Nice language is asked for in comments as well.
A contest entry
- Photo Prompt by Grunts Girl.
1800 points, ended October 22, 2007, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your absolute BEST! IMPRESS ME! by AlwaysbeBIG.
525 points, ended January 25, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I tried
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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clever abstract take of the theme ... very clever indeed.
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enjoyed
Hello to EvilKate {You went over my poem},
thank you for believing that my write fits the category I chose too. I also am thankful that you thought my thinking wasn't weird but handy, easy to pick up from me to you.
It seems you've had the good piece to read, now I have the good night building,
Circles
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what can I say. This made me smile, and admire.
A very deserved congratulations!
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nicely bundled
how can i reply. It was neat how you took a moment to think about "what you can say" to me with the next sentence, ha. I am eager from how this poem glued a grin on your mouth that hopefully won't come off in the meantime, and that it made you wonder instead of just be told.
You were one of the rare original ones with, "A very deserved congratulations!" ... lol, yes that's true, because you can just tell someone something like, 'congrats on gold' but, is it really meaningful? Thanks for illustrating that mine is constantly genuine to you as well!
I'm happy that you took minutes for me,
Circles
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i like the starving feel to the start of this...
rather third world to me...
upended am i --
my mouth isn't
alimentally
consolidated,
i liked this word consolidated... how many people get into debt and consolodate their debt...
set to clinched raw
token.
i am trying to grasp raw token...and i am left with only the feeling of taking....empty... within an ouch.
inflation on my body
hardens while
multiplying
more than i've collected
(in pocket),
myself.
i liked inflation again, the reference to money again without saying the word money or dimes or quarters...
i like the hint of personal... and yet is sociatal..if that is a word. lol
my coat value
nears nothing;
left so frustrated here.. the struggle of the middle class almost or just under...
dollars
of greens
aren't
in h a n d
ready
to pay my liver
lol... i am not sure why but i just went sarcastic here in my thinking... stand up to the bar and be healed sort of thing... just where i went.
health
which lubricates
my cutis,
recompensing
bills of bumps
i really liked this feel...the true skin lubricated.. almost like crying ... and yet you are repaying..
bills of bumps... i liked that combination like the bumps in the road that flair up...
popping up, a portent
and the end ... i am left with more that will come...maybe something momentous? a prodigy or an omen is what i wonder...
thank you for this entry.
I hope you were ok with where i went...
i did so enjoy
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seriously spoken
I thank you for your open appulse without shyness in basis, split for me. By that, yes, I am totally fine with your trying to fit as close to my perspective. Silver given from that kind of person feels very good!
"i like the starving feel to the start of this...
rather third world to me..." Oh, a sad reminder you have given me. They aren't even hardly fueled with much of any thing at all because of inability to grow productively to have enough and it's locked into farming reserves that leaves money the main tool which they lack a lot. I can see how it compares with hunger of the best kind of food.
Your subject about needing some help on how to proceed with "raw token." I am inhaling but am left just as good as if I didn't take anything in basically if I don't have a naturally mature diet, and it hurts. Nice to think about your vision of that sentence, it's pretty close to what I was getting at lol. Continuing with the above words, I'm not in a seat belt so to speak of the wealth of being raw though I could buckle up joining with my mamma's example, but I sometimes get sidetracked by my dad's waning groove when away from his wild kefir target. Your perspective is ok though, in fact, so much that I like it!
I blew a smile with a compliment you made that I implied coins while excluding the main words of spending in life. It may be helpful to you if you say in your future rules to not use apparent inspirations. And, "sociatal" is very near to qualifying as language... it just needs an "e" somewhere, as you were wondering. Absorbing your view: "i like the hint of personal... and yet is societal" ... Hmm, my thought was the opposite, but that could be a transposition that could be read from different readers.
Great thinking here from my verse that affected you, I appreciated it : "stand up to the bar and be healed sort of thing." Don't feel bad about saying that with, "just where i went," it's true without too much abstractness from what I originally meant, you have to step up and act on yourself if you want to be calmly healthy in balance.
And, distortion that swells on pavement is not good, just the same type of issue in a different category. I have a grin from that you quoted my brief preview as well, "popping up, a portent --" well, as you thought it could possibly be an "omen," it is real that something will be worse later, and this is a signification.
thank you for this specific critique that made me think instead of just pushing the check mark of either "I like it" or "I don't understand it." Length is sweet, I hope you didn't look at my other comments lol because my style also is giving an explanation effort to the poem fully like you imitated without just filling in the space for nothing just to get points.
I'm glad you liked my poem for a worthwhile reason,
Circles
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Extremely interesting and abstract! I'm not sure what alimentally is or a cutis, so I'm kind of lost there, lol.
I like how it starts, grabs your interest right away. Good work!
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