Know Thyself

i know that i am perpetually confused about something. i know that i hesitate, procrastinate, and that i aggravate myself. i know i love Brian. i know i've gotten closer to my sister, and that i will miss her when she goes off to do what i am too confused and hesitant to do.  i know i'm lazy. i know i will hang onto a bad thing because it's easier than letting go. i know how lucky i am that Brian is a good thing. i know my job is a bad thing, and i'm clinging to my hamster-wheel routine as if it's what i want to be doing. i know it's not what i want. i know i want a family, i know i want freedom, i know i want my poetry to be recognized. i know i don't have the money or the resources, i know i'm afraid, i know i'm not putting myself out there. i know that when i get upset i talk too loud. i know that sometimes i still interrupt too much. i know that i come out speaking too coarsely sometimes, and that i speak harshly without meaning it. i also know i learned all those bad habits from my father. i know i get embarassed too easily, i know i go to absurd lengths to avoid a fuss, i know i am bad under pressure and in the spotlight. i know i take criticism too personally. i know i'm lousy with money. i know i'm absent-minded. i know i have poor call-returning etiquette. i know i'm klutzy. i know i hang onto anger, because it is hard for me to express, specifically when directed at people. i know that nearly every time i have expressed significant anger toward a person, it has blown up in my face, perhaps because it doesn't happen often- and perhaps also because in the past, i was far too eager to believe i was the problem, backed down too easily, and apologized too readily for things that were not my fault. i know it is that trait that people have gotten used to over the years, and may not be aware that i no longer take shit with an apologetic smile. i know i have been out of touch with important people in my life. i know i need change. i know time is precious, and that i waste it. i know my heart would be lighter if i could forget a certian little girl i've known since before she was born; i know i won't forget, because i love her.  i know i have been a good friend to people who have been bad friends to me. i know there were times when i could have been a better friend- and i know there were times when i was a better friend than maybe i should have been. i know now that i need to look out for myself a little bit, too- there were times when i gave so much of myself there was almost nothing left... but i know that every heartache has taught me about people (and about me).  i know that some misunderstandings can never be cleared up. i know that sometimes you have to simply forgive and forget; i know that sometimes you have to start over from where you are, instead of trying to go back to where you were. i know it's hard for me to forgive and forget- but definitely harder to forget, because i can't forget things i can't understand. i know i'll never understand why people i care about felt the need to do some of the things they did. i know i talk too much. i know that hardly anyone will ever listen to one single word i say- and yet i also know that i'll never be able to shut up.

i know myself. now what?