as sirens sweep the fog beneath
sing to me, as beasts do speak
where empty seats discreetly sleep,
and shrieks might seep through empty streets
the sirens call the fog to rise
and lure me ever onward
so deeply hollow, the sound
my footsteps follow sorrow, down
ground was all but empty now
the void in womb beneath the town
beautifully she seemed to pace
two broken legs, and sought to bring
salvation to the boy in trench
(a king in place of lustful joy)
with pipe all sins would be erased
and emptied skull of gray and grin
her visage that bore no face
a slab of skin usurped its place
were all those walking really dead?
a death only in eyes that see
with breath, i grieved for losses shared
and watched the weeping ones relief
as nightfall brought them needed sleep.
facades that melt without the sun
reveal the pulse which beats me back
please, no holy structure could i depend
all would fall, with bleeding walls
sleepy, still could read the mind
always was it reading mine
convulsing was the lifeless gate
to bring me life in purest form
above all gods in angel's flight
underneath in deepest void
as sirens sweep the fog beneath
sing to me in beastly speak
where empty seats will sleep discreet,
and herders flock like empty sheep
the sirens call the fog to rise
and lure me ever onward
Author notes
wow, before i started writing this one, i had this tiny little thought in my head, and thought that id just end it after the first stanza. once i started, i just kept going, though, and i think this may be unusually long for me. oh well, actually had fun writing this.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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That first stanza is perfection. But, I tend to disagree that it could have ended there. You have so many striking moments in this piece. The second stanza, for example, is lush with great metaphor and phrasing.
"so deeply hollow, the sound
my footsteps follow sorrow, down
ground was all but empty now
the void in womb beneath the town" Those second and fourth lines are gaspingly beautiful.
"with pipe all sins would be erased
and emptied skull of gray and grin" I love that there is an antiquated sensibility at the surface of your words, yet at the core of this it seems very modern. Something about this is reminiscent of e.e. cummings, I think.
"and herders flock like empty sheep" Nice use of irony here, and you've made it more prominent by breaking away from the opening stanza.
Love this piece. I'll have to keep my eye on you.
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Powerful
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When I saw that you had written a new poem, I thought "finally! yess! he's online at AP!" lol so I'm happy
I think the lines "as sirens sweep the fog beneath
/sing to me" should maybe be changed to "As sirens sweep/The fog beneath singS to me", because I stumbling over that a tiny bit, and it might provide some clarity with the agreements of the fog and the sirens.
I....love...the first stanza (I read your author's notes) and thought it could've ended there as well, but I also adore the entirity of the poem, and thought it equally as strong. I love the rhyming and assonance (?) as well, subtle and I thought excellently excecuted.
I also kind of liked the repition of the first stanza brought to the final stanza.
As long as you keep writing, I will definately keep reading and giving my 2 cents worth
-Meg
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ha, im flattered, for sure.
yeah, it does kind of confuzzle the tongue a bit, but it came out as a straight shot. theres a few parts that were a bit tongue twisting, but i just left it as is. i have a tendency to go all perfectionist and rape everything i write for all its worth, so i try not to rewrite stuff if i can help it.
as always, your comments are quite welcome. your honesty is as refreshing as they come
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