Looking at me you would think I would die;
I feel so lonely that I could just die.
Yet here I stand-barely able to breath;
I weigh so little-yet so much.
You look at me. I leave you breathless?
I feel so young; I look so old.
You think I am sad; I feel so sore.
You think I am dead; I feel so alive.
Throwing up is a good time to I;
Peaceful I feel; I am not sick.
I am not sick-I am just fine;
Let me throw up now-I want to find peace.
Author notes
10. Serenity
Updated due to wrong word count.
My apologies.
A contest entry
- PIF, PIF PIF....Word Inspired Contest...MANY OPTIONS!!! by JinSays.
300 points, ended November 3, 2007, 4 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please be up front and honest and tell me what you think.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Respect to you for handling such a deep and miserable subject. I, too, sense sincerity here. Perhaps your poem will encourage others to get help. You could improve the technical merit of the poem by changing one of the end rhymes in the first couplet to make them both different. "I feel peaceful" might sound more natural than "Peaceful I feel"? Just ideas, feel free to ignore me. Well done.
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Thank you for the comments.
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I think you need to come over my house, and let me cook you some fried chicken, and mashed taters..I make the best mashed taters...fatten you up, then fill your head with good things, like food isn't the enemy.
If serenity means starving yourself, then by all means, go for it. I say, come on over, let's eat like pigs, and then tell me, dont you sleep better, when you have something in your stomach?
I dont think you're being sarcastic, or anything. I sense the sincerity in your poem..and the fact that you came back and reworked it to fit the word count...that says something too..
Overall, this poem makes me sad...very sad.
However, because I like to give artistic license to the writers in my contests..I will not pull it.
As I said, if this is your idea of serenity..
then, so be it.
Jin -
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I didn't want to comment until this was over, as I didn't want to effect your view of the poem. Despite what the words state it isn't about me, I wrote this poem to raise awareness of a problem many people face. There are many people who were/are/will go through the things this poem brings up and as such this was written for them.
The whole point of the poem was to show the serenity one feels when they are in this point. It may be hard to understand if someone has never been through it. Someone who witnessed another going through it, for example a mother, father, etc, may understand where it is coming from as well.
The truth is when someone is experiencing what this poem describes /they/ are not the ones who are doing something wrong. To them they are right and those who tell them to 'fatten up' are wrong. I just wanted to comment and let you know where this poem was coming from. If you have any comments/questions/suggestions/statements feel free to leave it.
Again it isn't -about me- but about those who are effected by it. To them this is serenity and gaining pounds, even one pound, is a serious problem. I don't know how much of this you will understand, but I do hope you get where I am coming from with this poem.
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