You said you wished you were me,
That day.
Sometimes I wish I was me too.
Where did you go?
I miss you like I miss myself.
An arbitrary emptiness replaces
The weightlessness I starved for.
That letter, these words,
I can't even read.
Smiling while crying is the strangest of feelings.
Champagne, a CD,
A cut that's still bleeding.
The memories pool at the soles of my feet.
Still wish you were me?
Don't wish for that.
What appears on the outside
Just covers the fear on the inside.
I miss you like I miss myself.
That lonely place where I met you,
A sordid scream.
The memories ache now, they're too bittersweet.
You've not been forgotten.
I take a deep breath and dial your number
Day
After day...there is no answer.
Sometimes I wish I was me too.
This is not the emptiness I longed for,
It's disquieting and searing,
So heavy and humming.
Who would've thought we'd die for these "sins"?
Well, our lies to ourselves
were too unforgiving,
And so Paperthin.
Author notes
This is for a very good friend of mine...I miss you. Wherever you are, I hope you are well.
This Piece is partially inspired by 'Paperthin Hymn' by Anberlin.
A contest entry
- Goodbye letters by karma-n-peace.
750 points, ended November 1, 2007, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Closure by deathbyfrootloopsxx.
1100 points, ended November 10, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Things we lost in the fire... by Jai Guru Deva.
500 points, ended January 26, 2008, 85 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prompt Contest (B) by OhNoChastity.
2300 points, ended October 17, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Deepest Darkest Secret by Ntagatf.
500 points, ended September 6, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My Best Friend by DarknessOfSanity.
900 points, ended November 20, 2008, 53 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your oldest prewrite poems and my 20th contest by stargazer..
650 points, ended April 20, 417 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Drugs and Eating Disorders by Dlvvanzor.
410 points, ended April 25, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
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I liked it a lot. Great write.
Thanks for entering!
-Dlvvanzor -
what a sad poem. good luck in the contest.
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ahh I feel quiltly now, read this but forgot to comment
*hits self on the head*
sorry
this was amazing
thankyou for entering the contest, sorry you didnt win anything but it was soooo hard to judge.
and congrats on the greenies you got for this before
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Hey,
This is good!
Best of luck in the contest; Broken Bambi will be along to judge soon, so don't remove the poem!
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A beautiful take on the prompt, and without a doubt it struck a chord of emotion. You really presented the pain of missing someone well, and the waiting for them to come back when you try and try. I'm glad that there was no dwelling what-so-ever on what happened, but everything was about what used to be.
This was a really well written piece. You used repetition well through-out, throwing a repeated line in where it was unexpected but fit in perfectly. It didn't seem too planned, but it was so perfect. I'd have to say this changed from a normal poem to something that jerked my tears around the point of "the lonely place where I met you", like the person changed it, but it's gone back. I love how you said "memories pool at the soles of my feet", standing in a puddle, soaking in them, but knowing they'll dry up soon. This could've been so cliche, but you kept it together with metaphors and description thatm made me, the reader, actually feel the emotion that was being described.
It's hard missing someone, and this shows the pang of memories. I do have just a couple of suggestions though. I don't think every line needs to start with a capital letter. I find it distracting and I think it would flow better without it. Also the line "Who would've thought we'd die for these sins?" is one I've heard before, and especially being in the last stanza, it takes away from the whole creative aspect of the poem.
Please keep writing and thank you for entering.
-Jen -
This is so sad and deep. I see the real lost and your feeling of missing your friend. You write with a lot of passion.
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anberlin is amazing, i love The Unwinding Cablecar, at least i think thats the name. nice job, i know what its like to not know where a friend is, my best friend from a few years ago moved to california without letting me know. aint talked to her in idk how long. good job and good luc
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oh...
wow,
this is fantastic! -
Rah! That was pretty much great! I like the ....everything, lol well I really like the entire style of the poem and the storyline!
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This is beautiful, i can relate to it, its a wonderful write, thank you for entering my contest and i wish you the best of luck! Keep up the great work!
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I love this so much. Omg this was breathtaking
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bravo!splendid word-combinations in here!i love the atmosphere and it definately goea hand in hand with the picture above!the title is pretty original and gives the reader the chance to explore within meanings!well done indeed!keep up!
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3-4
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I'm stunned in all honesty. This is an amazing write. You have a lot of talent, it's obvious in the way you choose your words the flow it comes with.
Thank you for entering!
: ) -
hmmm... being that this is entered into my contest, I can see how it could be a suicide. Other than that, I wouldn't have known. I really liked the word choice you had made in this poem. I liked the repetitive of "wishing you were me." It just all made it so much more real and brought so much more emotion into it. It was really great! It's strange, the things people say to us without really exactly knowing. It is so much different on the other side. You know a secret that I learned? the grass is never greener on the other side. It's something strange that I have learned so far in life. We just have to see the green in our own grass, and if it is brown or yellow? We can get into a liking of that. We can also water it a bit to change it. Life takes lots of work :\. Thank you for entering my contest, and good luck!
Alex -
I love the imagery in this piece. I can't see a thing I would change, honestly...I can relate to it in so many ways. I was hooked until the very last line, which was a fantastic way to end this piece. Amazing. xx
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I don't know what it is about this poem that so draws me to it, but I do definitely feel drawn. Maybe it's the fact that though the emotion is so complex, it's broken into the little things, like CDs and dialing the telephone. Can't we all relate to that?
Very interesting. Very impressive. It's a very calm kind of amazement, too -- sort of more introspective and gripping...
Anyway, I'm rambling. Great write and good luck. -
"Who would've thought we'd die for these "sins"?
Well, our lies to ourselves
were too unforgiving,
And so Paperthin. "
That was a wonderful ending, and the repetition of "I miss you like i miss myself" is really powerful."I miss you like I miss myself.
An arbitrary emptiness replaces
The weightlessness I starved for"
Absolutely wonderful♥
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This was a very passionate write. The emotion just bleeds off the page. I can really feel you sadness. You portrayed that very well. I liked the lines,
"That lonely place where I met you,
A sordid scream.
The memories ache now, they're too bittersweet."
Well done.
I can see why this poem won an honorable trophy. Thank you so much for entering my contest and I wish you the best of luck. -
this poem is a place where everyone has been at one time or another. it brought back my times when as I read it
I especially liked the ending and use of 'paperthin'
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You have penned a fine poem!
The words flow easily and are so very touching.
Thank You for entering this contest, Thank you for sharing this with me.
Good luck in the contest and best wishes in life.
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Powerful! I would never be able to write with such a poetic flair like you have done here. Good luck in the contest.
SA4U
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"You said you wished you were me,
That day.
Sometimes I wish I was me too."
this is such a strong line, i know what that feels like too!!
"were too unforgiving,
And so Paperthin. "
-i thought this was especially beautiful.
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you went to great emotional depth with this one [wishing you were you] says a lot. I guess sometimes we all get lost being someone else or what society expects us to be. I saw on your authorpage that you are a "fly-girl" I also have some fond and some not so fond memories of between 333.000 and 36.000 up in those friendly skies [or not so friendly during thunderstorms]
anyway---great write
reenie
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Like they said before, I really liked the lines "sometimes I wish I was me too." I can really relate to that line, I can completely understand it. Nice write.
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"You said you wished you were me,
That day.
Sometimes I wish I was me too."
This seems like such a controlled but yet unwanted loneliness.
excellent.
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awesome
i could FEEL it. Amazing write full of nostalgic words. Reminded me of someone whos now gone. I hope you can overcome your hard times
thank you for this amazing entry. I liked it all
special this part:
"Who would've thought we'd die for these "sins"?
Well, our lies to ourselves
were too unforgiving,
And so Paperthin."
Goooood job and thanks for the amazing entry <3
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aww this is so sweet. Genuine and heartfelt. I loved it. xxx
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Dear Kasey
I don't know who you are, but, this is a very classy dark write. Talk about your serendipity, I clicked on this by mistake while I was scrolling down!LOL
Someone up there likes me, I guess!LOL
Take care, and clean your feet off, it is almost morning!
John
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This is deep. I really like it. Great writing.
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wow amazing write hun....different then what one normally finds on here, nice. refreshing to see something new. thanks for sharing
Tasha
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Aouch. Very powerful write.
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The sense of not being yourself without a certain person in your life is one I can relate to far to well.
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Nothing worse than losing a loved one or the dearest of friend. My heart goes out to you, you put alot of emotion and feeling into this. Very good write.. Thank you for sharing it with us.
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Deep poem and an interesting read, sad and honest. Good writing.
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It touched my heart strings. I like the images you have created in this write. There are friends I have lost touch with and hope they are doing well. Life changes our direction taking some people out and adding other in.
It a very in depth read. I could not rush though it. I read it more then once. It keep it charm. Great work.
Good luck on the contest. -
I really like this poem. Especially 'The weightlessness I starved for.' and 'The memories pool at the soles of my feet.'
It's relateable aswell, which makes it even better.
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good poem i no how you feel people wishing they was you but they dont really no the real you
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this was a very good write. I really liked it cause I have people wishing they were me but I hide behind a mask. This was good avery relateable.
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I really like it
i like this poem alot
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