I found her in the cemetery
With shoulder hunched and eyes wary;
glazed over as they stared at me.
Her voice was haunting,
ever so daunting
as the prayers washed over me.
"Mother, Mother: of the earth
from you I was given birth
you took your life and gave it to me.
Oh Mother, may I,
an eye for an eye?
Please no. For he, too, gave his life to me"
Grasping now to a world unseen,
now did I realize my presence unknown, -though her sight was keen-
for she was lost in a world, a world that knew nothing of me.
I called out, to deaf ears did I plead,
but my words nothing compared to the dead
for she took her life, and gave it to...
I was not sure, of nothing but,
her life she did not give to me.
Author notes
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In a list
A contest entry
- I found her in the cemetary by rememberthewriter.
300 points, ended October 19, 2007, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - THE WORKSHOP CONTEST-BIG POINTS!!!! by Amy Meneses.
1700 points, ended April 12, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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forgot to add these
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WOW! What a write, I can offer no advice on improving the imagery within this, so my comments will stick strictly to grammar and punctuation.
Stanza 1 line 1 – I’m British so your spelling of cemetery sticks out to me (that’s just a personal thing, not a critique)
Stanza 1 line 2 – “with” should not be capitalised. I’m not sure that your use of the dash is correct; a dash should only be used when there is a strong interruption from the rest of the sentence. Your following sentence doesn’t seem like a strong interruption to me, it’s more of a continuation. I can understand you not wanting to use a full stop, comma or a connecting word there as it would break the flow, but a semi-colon would work well;
“with shoulder hunched and eyes wary;
glazed over as they stared at me.”
Stanza 2 line 3 – “ever” should not be capitalised
Stanza 3 – Again you have used a dash within the stanza and again it isn’t really being used in the correct way, I would suggest replacing it with a colon, the colon is used to indicate that what follows it is an explanation or elaboration of what precedes it.
Stanza 3 line 3 – “you” should not be capitalised
Stanza 5 – Replace dashes with colons for the same reason as specified above. “now” & “for” don’t need to be capitalised.
Stanza 6 – “but” & “for” don’t need to be capitalised. I would also replace the dash with ellipses at the stanza end, this indicates a trailing of words, something left unsaid.
Stanza 7 – “her” does not need to be capitalised.
I like what you have here and with a little bit of editing for punctuation this will be an outstanding addition to the contest.
Good luck
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Thanks for the kinds words, and for the help with punctuation. I don't punctuate.. Well.. anything v.v.... So I have a friend of mine go through, and I'll read it aloud to her and she adds them in according to how I read it.. So that has a lot to do with the over use of dashes. As for Capitalization >> You know the bad habits you get in grammar school. Capitalize evvvvery line, bad habits.
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Yep I know those bad school habits well
I really like the re-write (you do need to put Re-write in the title though)
I'm glad you thought most of my suggestions were ok and to see them incorporated into your poem leaves me feeling honoured.
Good luck
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a very good write impressive
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wow. this is an amazing piece in which you do an excellent job! great work here your images and emotion are absolutely beautiful
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How proud a mother would be to read these lines.A hopeful person such as you with words so kind.A talent for sure at such a young age, with wisdom abound I'm sure life will engage an abundance of love as you go through this age.Thanks for the read.Write on Jim
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thy words reach into the darkness where sorrow falls into its lone path shattering life itself!
Interesting perspective!
Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
Bill
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Oh how awesome you had me at the edge of my seat reading all the way through
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Powerful piece here. I felt this very sad. Congrats on the trophy.
Thanks for your comment. I know- religion is fucked up.
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you really took on the big ones here - life, and death, two parts of the same circle. Eavesdropper who hears no good for herself ? Emotionally this works, on All Saints Day particularly, the guilt felt by the survivor, the search for atonement too hard. The final stanza gives me hope, the double negative a timorous positive.
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The way it read to me was that this person was in the cemetary and her mothers spirit or past gave insights that made their way to this poem. I'm a bit confused as to who all is giving their life. Apparently two people have. So that threw me. But I got the impression that the character was debating over giving up their life as well. And in the end she is debating weather or not she should because lives had been sacrificed on her behalf. The ending seemed to state that though a her mother "gave her life" in childbirth and by losing her own, the daughter did not indeed feel alive. And maybe thats the insight that her sacrifice gave birth to? Though she was brought into the world she was not raised by her mom and her sacrifice was a duel edged sword? Well thats my two cents at any rate.
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The only reason I have yet to reply to half these yet, is I don't know whether or not to tell the reason behind it..... -shrugs-
In the beginning, it's a person lurking in a ceremony, intruding on a girls private prayers to her mother who died during childbirth (most people got that) She wants to live, but something haunts her
"An eye for an eye
Please no, for he too gave his life to me"
A single father working his life away to support a child.
Whether or not she killed herself in the end, Is up to interpertation.
Personally, as a writer, she didn't.
But she did give up.
And the lurker is sorrowful of this, for the lurker loves the girl.
It's a nightmare I've been having recently, felt poetic.. So thus this was produced.
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well done
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very beautiful write!! you did a great and wonderful job!!! keep up the great work!!!!!
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A hauntingly poignant write. Very thought provoking and smooth flow. Well deserving gold.
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This is a very intelligent piece of work. I like the title a lot. Very taunting indeed. Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing
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very thought provoking...the ending leads u to think of many outcomes...i'm thinking the same as CascadingSakura...did she take her life?
when one questions your work you know you did something right. you made "us" think....good luck! -
Well, I take it as a mother that died during childbirth maybe? And how the daughter or son is unable to bear that fact so feels they need to take their own life as well. I might be way off, well I probably am, but that is just how I interpreted it. This is a good poem with vast emotion, thanks for sharing and I wish you the best in the contest
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I found it a bit confusing myself, but that doesn't mean it isn't a good poem. You gave nice description. Goodluck.
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well this poem sounds really great, but i'm unsure of exactly what it is talking about. UNT
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