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Death at Sea

  Lightning flashing over sea,
  Waves crash upon the shore.
  Cold winds blowing, battering ships.
  Rock jutting up from the deep.
 

  Sailors cry of "Doom" and "Death"
  Mast snaps, hull corrupted.
  Last minute prayers,
  As water fills the hold.
 

  Hurricane force, shatters the boat.
  A still form, tossed by the waves.
  Comes to rest, upon the shore.
  And opens his eyes once more,
  Before closing for eternity.
 
 

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • leander Moderators member
    March 27, 2008

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    You have included quite some good imagery within the lines of this poem, and that adds to the whole atmosphere you create with your words.

    I had a little bit the feeling here and there the lines where chopped off - probably because of the fact you use short sentences to fill almost each line.

    Thank you for entering the contest - I wish you all the best!
    Leander


  • Amunet Wolfbane Moderators member
    March 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Many storms I have craved to be enveloped. There is something so alluring about this. I really dig the emotion in this piece.

  • Mom of Blondes
    March 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A still form, tossed by the waves.
    Comes to rest, upon the shore.
    And opens his eyes once more,
    Before closing for eternity.

    Those lines are sooo sad!

    I like how you wrote it. It's kind of choppy and jumps from one thing to the next, like a storm does. Everything happens so quickly in a storm and the writing comes across that way. Then the last lines slow down like everything does after a storm.

    Well done!


  • Celticmoon
    March 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Kass,

    You have penned a very vivid piece. I have to say that this brought back some memories I really cared not to remember but then it's not like you knew it would do that.

    As this stands it is a strong piece but honestly, my memory aside, I would to see an expanded version of this. There is much that can be done here
    Thank you for entering!
    Best of luck to you!


    Blessing
    Bel


  • hilly
    February 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering but this is not what I'm looking for.


  • sidewinder silver member
    December 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    one small critique.
    you might want to do a spellcheck on this my friend.
    as far as cities... i wouldn't know. I'm mainly from the country. so city life would be far from my understanding.
    still you made me think. Thanks!
    keep penning on one stroke at a time!

1 - 6 of 6