Cursed from Conception

My mother had already birthed twelve children

into a life of a poor farmer, she didn't understand...the

doctor had performed the surgery; another mouth to feed was

the last thing they needed to happen.

Pregnant again, though she sensed from the start that

something was going very wrong,

as I came into this world much too early, conceived in the

tubes where I had been, though definitely did not belong.

Just shy of three pounds, puzzled medical staff were amazed

that my tiny body was living, considering where I was found.

Everyone said that I would never survive, yet, here I am;

still breathing, beaten the odds, still very much alive.

Adopted into the family, my aunt and uncle took me in,

everyone wanted to help care for me and make sure I always

knew all of my kin.

Things were rough, grew up on welfare, sometimes taking

home roadkill just to have something to eat.

Mama did laundry and made old ladies hair blue so I would

have clothes and shoes on my feet.

Daddy took to drinking to hide his pain, he felt like a

failure, working with only a third grade education, his

heart ached, saddened that he couldn't give me everything.

He never understood that all I ever wanted was love, for him

to play with me and show some affection.

Instead, he sheltered me away, thinking all I needed was an

over abundance of protection.

This left me empty inside, searching for love, lack of

information led to making many a mistake.

Married right out of high school, now a mother and wife;

so, why did my heart, soul and very being feel as if it

would surely shatter, rip apart and break?

Taken for granted, controlled, became fearful, lost, feeling

like a fool who had been used.

Now, often left alone, hungry, bitter, emotionally drained

and abused.

Why did these things happen to me over and over again?

Must I continuously be punished for being born into this

world, into a life that no one understands?

Feeling more like the dreaded black widow, cursed and

feared,

Sometimes praying for death, for the end, for anything to

get me out of here...

Too many years of living for someone else's dreams, with

none of my own, what's the point of going on?

Why was I put here?  It was all a big mistake, existence

useless, wasted or so it seems.........

If there is a "God" or saviour, He has forgotten me just

as everyone else in my life has done.

Oh, how I pray, let it all stop now, please just end, game

over as I disappear with the falling sun.........