The river-
gellid, crimson clouds o'er its bank;
rushes down the mountain side
conspiring with rocks,
whispering passed secrets to the earth
I am native to these waters:
baptised in its solace
drowned in its antiquity
It is the river of my people
furrowed with their meatless bones
layered by my father's skin
till the black sweat of years
and mother's tears
sated it with hope and curse.
I am native to these waters;
stretched across the mountain's width
as a snake to its prey
I have tasted of its tempting splendor,
while my brothers scream:
devoured by its
genial guise
and they say...
"you are now of age-
to tend upon the river weeds
and feed the heartless waterbed"
I ponder on this thing that is my future,
and I
fear
Author notes
this poem seemed to have wrote itself, my originl intention was to describe a mountain scene but it morphed into something else! lol. the river symbolises a family legacy, kind of like a responsibility or rather a burden, that the males in my family must take on at a certain age. i guess its my time but i dont think i'm up 4 it ~lilAJ~
A contest entry
- For Poets With No More Then 10 Trophys Hm's Dont Count by Starz of Heaven.
525 points, ended October 18, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - You deserved much better!!!!! by Great Cthulhu.
1450 points, ended March 16, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 52 of 52
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aj, the best poems do seem to write themselves. Your writing is very mature for a young man - personal but not self-agonising, full of emotion but with the right amount of restraint. I am impressed.
(one typo, I think. Spot it and tell me I am wrong.
)
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Splendid!
I really enjoyed the vocabulary you utilized. Wonderful write. Is it any wonder that some poets still believe in a muse? (I know I do!) You captured some very powerful imagery here. Thanks for entering! -
WOW!
yuh likkle but yuh TALLAWA. *snaps fingers*
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I don't know if we are ever truly ready to step out there and take it on.
You have a wonderful way with words, creatively expressing with beautiful descriptives. I was completely captivated by this piece. I am glad to see a trophy of recognition on this well written verse. I will be reading more. ~Pamela 
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Wow... And here I sat as if in a raft down the Colorado, I rode the rapid flow of your words until I too was drenched in your legacy. I think I'll ride again. Easy read. Love the flow. One.
Dez
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OMG! I got goosebumps reading this. It's amazing, tells such a story... I can feel the weight of responsibility coming on you in it!
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The flow of this poem is great, I love words chosen and I suppose I would fear taking on such responsibilty also at such a young age. An very good write Much enjoyed the reading.
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I'm so glad I found this one too... somehow it reminds me of Africa, of its rituals, its riches. This poem is compelling and deep.. just like the river your write about here. Wonderful poetry.
Good luck with that family "legacy"!
~ Nicolette
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A little bird sent me here...I'm so glad, this poem is deep and rich...layers of meaning. A gift you have given us in this.
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How have you been missed by me and my favorites? Your writing is deep, thick, and compelling.
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Thank you!
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In one word SPLENDID!
This is sooooo beautiful.... I have no words to express my admiration for your talent. You got a HM...? This is not fair in my eyes, for it is worth gold. You have written wonderful metaphors... I simply love this poem. Very well done. My sincere compliments.
Anna.
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The lighthouse for some reason is very atrractive even though I've never seen a real east coast one. I'm in southern california beach territory where it's all long beaches, lots of tourists and mostly dirty water. I love 'I am native to these waters, baptized in it's solace, drowned in antiquity'. Reminds me of the jetti rocks here. Also, when the time is right nothing will keep you from the legacy. If you don't see it being appriciated of course you will feel ambivelent, but you sound like a masterful speaker so I'm sure things will figure themselves out. I think the best thing we can do for our families is to inspire hope and beauty. You can do that, you did it here.
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I am native to these waters:
baptised in its solace
drowned in its antiquity
It is the river of my people
furrowed with their meatless bones
layered by my fathers skin
till the black sweat of years
and mother's tears
sated it with hope and curse.these r my fav parts beside the ending what a perfect way to end a poem w/ such amazing imagery to start it such an amazing poem
Best blessings + giggles----FATE
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I have tasted of its tempting splendor,
while my brothers scream:
devoured by its
genial guise
and they say...
"you are now of age-
to tend upon the river weeds
and feed the heartless waterbed"
i ponder on this thing that is my future,
and I
fear
Passionate, vibrant, vivid, spiritual, emotive. I love this piece.
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I liked it
well said.
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SUPERB
Beauty of nature casts a spell on every sensitive mind and pleases us no doubt, but how many are capable of identifying one's self with nature like the present poet has done in this wonderful poem? It's a real treat you rarely come across. -
Beautiful work here! It's amazing how one thought can sometimes lead to another when you are writing. Sometimes it's all for the best as your poem takes on a new life. Well done and keep it up!
Jeremy0826 -
Excellent poem, I am so glad it did morph into this. Beautiful imagery and use of words really bring this poem to life. Thanks for sharing.
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A creative and beautiful work
Wonderfully done from beginning to end, captivating throughout, flowing and sparkling like the river within it, and within the riverbed is found a gem, an diamond, this work you have shared with us here. thank you for sharing this part of you,
Evan
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I agree with Hensley
'Love the magic and softness of this piece.'
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Yah mon, you chose a righteous piece to post for this day and I have commented already. I will say that I believe this to be Dunns River which is a big part of Dunns River Falls. This is a big tourist attraction of Jamaica. I wasn't lucky enough to visit the falls while there, I was too far away from it. Aj, this is cool and we did speak about it. Keep writing poet. seamaiden ♥ I will applaud again if it lets me.
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this is just a beautiful and stunning write which is poured and flooded with emotions for everyone to feel. well done andkeep penning
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stunning write!!!
congrats on the HM as this was lovely!
Tasha
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Beautiful, beautiful write! I love the amazing imagery you poured into this and the emotions that are very much there, between the words. Such a beautiful write should be read by everyone to feel the true depth of your words! Wonderful job!
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It really is amazing what things can happen when we just let the pen have control Very well done on the honorable mention here. This was filled with imagery and depth.
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A well deserved Honourable Mention for this piece of poetry,loved the depth,the description and the layers of lessons within the melding of nature and human nature.You may not feel ready for the responsibility dear poet but you step up to the plate as a poet and as a person,let the river run through you and go with the flow,sometimes you will feel the strength of it's current and others you will feel it's lull,much like life itself.A splendid write.
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Very beautiful poem!! The imagery was excellent and I really liked the word usage!! Great Write!
Lauren
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Beautiful... very descriptive and well written.
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Beautifully written. Sometimes pieces do take on a life of their own..This one was done very well.
Soulful Woman
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This is wonderful...Don't forget: There is a time for everything, but everything on the right time too....
Well just something we say here in the Netherlands
Wonderful poem,
XXJeannette
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Very meaningful
I really enjoyed it
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Your poems descriptive quality is fantastic.I felt exactly how you were feeling by the imagry and underlining thought process. you are avery talnted riter,you portray wat you want people to see and feel,an tht sn't easy.anks or th chance to read it.
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This was very interesting, one of the most interesting poems I've ever read. I understand the poem more since I read your author's note. That sounds like an interesting legacy and you did great writing,it was fantastic!
...Simply Me♥ -
WOW! you have created a awesome poem here.
The depth of your words and the imagery is excellent.
I really enjoyed reading this!
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this is just absolutely wonderful. the beauty is strong and unmistakable, thank you for the lovely write poet
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What a fantastic piece you have written here.. I love the word choice and the imgery you have laid down for the reader
Karen
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thank you!
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I hear your roots in this poem and they run deep as deep as your words for your family heritage. Fear not, He is there to guide you. I am picturing Dunn's River Falls right now after reading this one. Congratulations on the honorable mention that you received for this. It is lovely. Keep writing poet. seamaiden ♥
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Excellent!
I think deep within you you hold dear to your lineage.
You feel their pain and write so well, in words that elate me within the talent that you have.
One day sir you are going to be a great writer.
And I love the old world feeling you aspire to the reader with words like O'er it gives the whole poem a feeling of the past, yet in your heart set! Is true to your heart.
This should have won the Gold award. They see not your true talent. I want a signed copy of your first book please.
Keep up the magnificent work, for one so young you are a true talent and let no one ever say different.
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"furrowed with their meatless bones
layered by my fathers skin
till the black sweat of years
and mother's tears"
- jam packed emotion filled lines. My favorite
I may say that for a moment we think that we are inspired by a moment or a snapshot of the wisdom and life in it. The truth, we may have been connected with it. Life is a circle of truth untold.
Love the magic and softness of this piece.
Well done my friend.
Keep writing.
VIRGOAN
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This was a very good poem. I enjoyed it very much. It is written very well. The words just rolled off the page. I liked the lines "I have tasted of its tempting splendor,
while my brothers scream:
devoured by its
genial guise"
Well done.
I can see why this won an honorable mention.
Thank yo uso much for entering my contest and I wish you the best of luck.
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This is awesome
great write
it caught my eye
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This is a very strong write. Very well spoken, and certainly well formed. The context of the piece itself is truly endearing; a sort of beauty in the ritual of years... There were so many great lines here - I could not highlight a favorite verse. Poignant write you have penned here!
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this is beautiful and really inspirational
the imagery is amazing its so calm and i just love it great job -
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thank u 4 ur kind comment!
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I like this piece.But you did not follow my rules and if you dont put your user name in your Authors notes.I will have to delete your entry.
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I love how you let this write itself! and I keep saying the same thing over and over....you really need to get published because never have I seen such beautiful talent in someone as young as you....you write with true passion from the heart and soul. This beautiful write speaks for itself!... keep blessing us with your wonderful work. And you CAN freeverse too!
Shaz xx
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Nice attempt. The imagery is nice, although not explained extreamly well within the poem; I had to read Author's note to understand.
Free verse may in fact be harder to pull off, because you have to relly on other tecniques other than rhyme. -
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thanks i wanted the imagery to be somewhat obscure in the poem itself, it echos what i'm thinking now... that my future isn't very clear. thanks again 4 reading and commenting
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I'm certainly intrigued!
This is a very deep and personal poem telling of a responsibility that lays heavy upon young shoulders. I particularly like L10 - L14 they gripped my heart. Sometimes we must face things we wish to walk away from and family honour and tradition are the heaviest burdens of all...if we allow them to be. Duty is something we can't turn from...so straighten that back and hold your head high. As soon as your task is complete, life will await you once more
La x
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thanks this is one of the most meaningful comments i have ever received! real inspiring thanks again 4 ur kind words
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