Can you still see me as I lay down here,
some where below your self constructed pedestal?
Do the lights shine in your eyes and blind you,
leaving the only sight to be seen your own reflection,
mirrored back in the floating dust particles?
Do you still hear the sincerity in my voice,
whispered from the great distance now between us?
Or can you not hear any other sound than that of your own voice?
Can you still feel the great waves pulsating from my beating heart,
causing ripples in the surrounding atmosphere?
I think instead you perceive them as waves from your perfect wings taking flight.
I watch the sun setting, thinking of you,
knowing you can not see it from where you now stand,
sheltered from life, secluded from the real world,
surrounded by your own impenetrable shield of immaturity.
You have traveled so far, yet only taken leaps backward,
nothing to show for your journey in life,
while all who knew of the person you used to be stand at the pedestal,
worshiping a man who no longer exists,
remembering a person who could have done great things,
idealizing a guy who has become nothing more than a boy.
So here I lay, some where beneath your pedestal,
still uttering those words you'll never hear,
waiting for the day you see what you've become,
for the mirror will not lie as you gaze upon it,
but the mirror will not tell you what you will not hear.
In a list
A contest entry
- Unspoken Words. by Poetryintheblood.
450 points, ended October 18, 2007, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Far From Perfection by adsaige.
300 points, ended November 18, 2007, 3 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I wasn't sure what I thought about this poem at first, but when I read the last two lines I fell in love with it. Excellent job.
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest :]
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I like this, it's really good, you wrote a great piece of poetry here.
The last 2 lines are definitely my favourite, they are definitely true, the mirror will not lie, but it cannot make you hear things you do not want to hear...
A wonderfully written piece, I like it =)
Thanks very much for entering and best of luck! =) -
Loved the last two lines. The battle you have engaged in this poem is amazing. The back and forth of the story. I loved the fact that you were clear and yet vague. The rhythm you invoke leaves me wanting more and it's something that is rare in most pieces. It feels like it is finished, but unfinished. Only one typing error in the second to last like I do believe you meant for "morror" to be "mirror". I loved it, beautifully written you will be considered in judging. Thank you for entering my contest.
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Good luck on this contest you have a great chance.You have a unique style about you that is tatally refreshing.Pretty deep thinking for someone so young.Wise beyond your years I think.You portray your thoughts very well.I like your choice of wording in this piece.Very original and imaginative.Return the favor?
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"leaving the only sight to be seen your own reflection," - I feel you should have some sort of punctuation between "seen" and "you" or a word, like "in", perhaps?
"while all who knew of the person you used to be stand at the pedestal,"
Plus, if you read towards the end: it doesn't make sense. Either throw in punctuation, or change/add a word to make it more fluid, either way it reads off, and is a bit long-running.
Other than that: a nice poem that you have written here.
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nice write
GOOD LUCK -
Judged
I've felt this poem really, and I really like it. Thank you so much for entering, I'd really like to tell you that the format and the background really did not appeal to your words to accent them. What I mean is the burning and cold heart is you know accent enough then you have that marvelous picture and it's too much...try a solid background or take out the picture.
Now, I would like to tell you that your word play ingenious and your descriptions, I could just kiss you. Welcome to the FINALIST list! -
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Thank you so much for your critque...I have changed my background to a soilid black I hope that it suits the poem better this way...Thanks again!
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Thank you for your most heartfelt entry, Josephine
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