Letter to my 13-year-old self

Dear 13-year-old me,

I know that when you look about you now, you feel that your life will never get past the awkward stage you're in now- the stage where you are caught in a painful limbo between childhood and adolescence. You believe that all of the middle school drama and tedium will always be as immediate and important to you as it is now. You can't imagine yourself as ever being as "old" as eighteen. Trust me, dear, though each day in middle school years will drag, the years will fly, and suddenly being eighteen and in college will seem like you're still just a kid.

I know you worry about things that seem so traumatizing to you- but five years will give you a perspective you won't believe. Fighting with your brothers and parents will be pretty rare at eighteen, seeing as you'll live apart from them the vast majority of the time. Bear their insults and lack of faith in you as well as you can- for you will soon enough be independent. While you're at it, stop worrying so much about spending fifteen dollars on a CD. You'll spend a lot more than that buying such exciting things as milk and toilet paper in college.

I know you feel ugly now- chunky and unattractive, with frizzy hair and cheap, childish clothes. Don't worry about it- and don't let the shallow people who make fun of you hurt you. You really are smarter than most of them, and even if you weren't, why do you want someone who's so rude and snotty to like you? You will be thinner, more flexible, and athletic than most the girls in only a few years- so don't worry about your looks. Everyone has to have an awkward stage- it's a rule of nature.

I know you hate your teachers and your classes. Of course you do- you're in middle school. No one likes middle school, not even the so-called populars. Don't worry because people are so focused on your love life- or rather, your lack of one. Their so-called "loves" are nothing to wish for. You will eventually be considered attractive, you will go on dates- and yes, you will be kissed. You will also find out that none of it is as romantic and daydream-worthy as you thought.

About your friends- you're right. None of them are really good for you or care about you. But you'll eventually find it within yourself to leave them, even if you find yourself alone. This will be for your benefit, as painful as it seems at the time. You will grow stronger, less judgemental of others- more tolerant and empathetic. You will branch out and grow in maturity- and even if you hate it at the time, you will appreciate it later. You will find friends, and they will care about you. They won't be everything you truly need- but you will learn to understand that nobody can be, and you will forgive them. Your views on everything from politics to religion will widen considerably from the narrow, molded ones you hold now- and that's okay.

I won't lie to you and say that high school will be great, or you won't have bad times- some bleak enough to make you consider suicide. But it will get easier, even if it isn't perfect. And you will be able to use all you have learned from your bad times to help others who are struggling- even as soon as five years later.

Just make it through each day for now, and refuse to buckle under to others' pressure to conform and change who you are. You'll have time enough to stop liking Tweety and Tinkerbell, straight leg jeans and pop stars. Above all, stop judging so harshly- both yourself and others. You will find that no one can live up to the standards of the world.

Love,

18-year-old you