I'd fill her
head with flowers
& breezes cast
a length
of slow summer
night,
just to witness
perspiration mist
around my echo
in her eye.
Author notes
26 words (or 1 word really)
In a list
A contest entry
- Make me want MORE by Suzanne Dia.
1000 points, ended October 30, 2007, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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this is such a beautiful and powerful write which really holds deep emotion within it. well done and keep penning
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Simply beautiful! Noot sure what else I could say. In so few words you painted quite the mural on my heart. Bravo!
Blessed be,
Billie Jean
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very short very beautiful luv it Best blessings+ giggles-- Fate
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I loved this! IT was so short yet very good.I lked it.
...Simply Me♥ -
I loved this poem!
so few words to create powerful imageries that we could
all read into several theme's!
Just delicious to read!!
good good job dear poet, good job!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : ))
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I love the abstract quality to this, and it certainly does make you want more! Very well penned, with such intricate imagery... Great write!
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Wonderful work here and I enjoyed
reading it. Keep up the great
work and thanks for sharing it here!
Jeremy0826 -
I don't know how you painted such vivid imagery with so few lines, but you did it and you did it well. Great flow and emotion. It was beautiful!!!
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It's difficult to impress me with short poems like this so you did wonderfully with this! I'm not a big fan of this form but you really made it work with such vivid imagery and emotions. I love how it seems to rhyme at the end of both stanzas; it made the flow wonderful. I like this piece a lot and it's a lot coming for me for such a short poem. Beautiful, beautiful work with this one!
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very beautiful and visual in only a few words. this is a very nice write. i like how its short and sweet...
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Wow, this was filled with so many images in so few words. A lovely piece of writing you did here. Thank you for sharing and keep writing poet. seamaiden ♥
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wow this was different...
short and sweet how i love them, and great imagery.
fantastic work
Tasha
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Beautiful... A short piece, but with such depth. Amazing!
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Very lovely abstraction. 'Slow summer' is a great phrase.
It seems a very small poem (in a wonderful way, that is) the thoughts and feelings and the whole atmosphere feel overwhelmingly small. I think that flows beautifully with the dreams and flowers feeling.
I'd be more inclined to have the word and spelt out fully, rather than use the ampersand. Also, perhaps 'breezes that cast' would flow better in your third line, as it doesn't seem to fully make sense when I read it.
I love the great word choice in the last four lines; your careful sibilance gives an almost wet feeling which ties in very well with the words 'perspiration' and 'mist'. I also like how 'witness' is rather reminiscent of 'wetness'.
Thank you for featuring; I've enjoyed reading this little gem.
xx
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YES
Awesome!!!! I love that you cut it off there, leaving it so short and powerful. I've done the same thing on shorties like this, but you're the first I've ever thought of as quite as powerful on the same plane, y'know? Great job!
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Poems with such flow, such brevity of the lines, are very popular right now and this is a real beauty. Liked this one
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That was a fantastic poem. You did a great job with that...it was worth gold!
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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This is just beautiful, you have captured such a brilliance in this piece that would be so hard to capture....
Karen
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Only a handful of people on this site can write a piece including flowers and make me like it. You've now made that a handful plus one lol!
Best wishes in the contest.
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I got it...
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Now I know you're OFFICIALLY A-over-T.
Flowers hun? Shame on you
Of course it's gorgeous. Only you could write a poem on a subject like this and have me like it. Damn you and your talent.
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simplicity is always the best way of expressing something so profound it makes it even more meaningful.
a very good write...
cheers and have a good one!
=Blanche=
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wow veryy sweet..short but perfection...its actually something you want to be told by your love onw
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one of the things I like about this that no one has pointed out..
perspiration misting around your echo in her eye..
those would be happy tears.
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This is beautiful, really powerful imagery!! Truly enjoyed!!
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Short. Pointed. Flashlight shines through window and illuminates bowl of fruit on table with peach half eaten. And the tongue wants more in dream.
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This is great! Short and sweet and I love this! Wow! Thanks so much for sharing! This has great imagery and well its just overall a great poem full of emotion and well its great! Thanks once again for sharing!
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Someone doesn't understand it??!! OMG- this is perfectly beautiful. Sigh... sigh... sigh. Truly outstanding Kate. Flowers to stuff in her head. Nah.
~Candy
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Well I totally do not understand this poem at all. your unique methaphors are brilliantly painted into a poetic form but the whole concept of the poem I don;t qyuite get. what exactly is it you were saying? any ways I just found it a little too hard for me to understand but then again yuor wording wer eof very interesting choice. its a good write but I could use some explanation please cuz obviously I am missing something.
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Thanks for your honesty. It's a trait I admire greatly.
I won't give it away though I'll offer these hints:
1) have you ever been in love?
2) have you experienced intimacy - true soul to soul?
3) Read the other commentators - many of them do 'get it'
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You say so much with so few words. Very original. Very well worded. I especially like the second stanza with the very original way of phrasing the impression one leaves one another and their reaction that one can read in their eyes. Good work.
John Carney -
I like the imagery,the pace with the alliteration of slow summer and the intimacy of the echo in the eye,indeed that is always a satisfying echo,when one looks into the eyes of another and no words are necessary as the nuances are resonating within the beautiful bouquets opening within...
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This has quite a wonderful flow to it....and this is such a beautiful poem.....it does make me long for more!
sighs....
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I agree with everyone else~ damn fine.
you can stuff flowers in my head anytime. lol.
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although, can't help but giggle at the idea of flowers being stuffed in through my ears.
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Yes - indeed - and you're SUCH a bad poet that you don't understand a metaphor!
Pah. You vainglorious infidel! - now I'm tempted to try that someday ... hope you have a good set of earplugs handy
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um excuse me
i won the bad poet award
lol
there will be no calling suzi the bad poet when that is MY profile!!!
dammit
lol
i loved the ending to this!!!
three clappy guys
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okay... just shut the door will ya... i'll sit in the corner with a copy of Hello magazine to keep me occupied, as im usurping this poem and it's such a sigh.. and so damned beautiful
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this ..is truly beautiful.
You made me sigh..
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