As the rake swoons soft
sands of sky, painting
elaborate the etiquette of peace
and symbiant souls prosperity,
so did some jovial deity- pleating
the downy relief- relegated from
above this ever auspicious day.
this, the dense agitation of
the surface of epitome, as everything
that was or ever could be can
be sought within this idyllic sky. The amber hues
broken and depleted, cued cupidinous children
calm and serene the twilight toddlers
to mash the rough and disperse the
blanket of such symmetric stuff;
as life can burgeon blissfully,
bore through perfect ripples rouled
by our Gods' adoration, so shouldn't
it burst the barricade brought forth
and lighten the genius, which this world
consorts each and everything day.
as everything
that was or ever could be can
be sought within this idyllic sky.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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great opening line.
qualms with "so did some" it doesn't transition well with the lines above it. perhaps "as some"
Try reading this piece without "the" or "this" some are filler.
Is "from" in from above needed?
there's a mouthful in "this, the dense agitation of the surface of epitome"
try condensing or putting this to two lines. The ofs are distracting. For some reason I'm piqued by the phrase surface epitome. "this, dense agitation of surface epitome" (however and regardless, "that was or ever could be" coming after/is telling amongst all of your wonderful imagery.
Another suggestion is that dense agitation is abstract where it could be more concrete to evoke a more intense feeling. think it could be expanded upon.
punctuation would clear up confusion with the children.
"such symmetric stuff" is hard for me, though it picks up a nice rhyme.
bore(past-tense, inflexive against previous line)- born?
the phrase "everything day" gives some interesting ideas... but I think you mean "every"
i like "which this world consorts"
as usual, there are some sweet word choices/phrasings that really move this poem. However, the monosyllabic accompaniments cut into its overall grace. -
well it's quite descriptive.. but yet again over my head with your far-beyond-me vocabulary. this is one i would expect to be analysing in some poetry class someday. it's good... i know what it's talking about...i just pity the poor native speakers who will have to analyse this in the future it's good to see you posting some stuff.. i take it you must've taken a break from your video games long enough to do so
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Not a break at all, I wrote this after coming out of math class and seeing this amazing formation of clouds. It was beautiful.
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Back sorry, more in depth comment now. I love how you can always imagine it is the sky, but it's so much more profound, with things like "twilight toddlers" and all the extensive vocabulary, plus the amazing alliteration (woah skilled right there) just makes this poem the perfect way to get back into writing. I'm so happy your muse came back. (ha it won't let me applaud again)
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Oh my goodness gracious you're writing again
Okay I lovee it, still don't understand some of it but it sounds soo amazing.
I'm just completely excited now.
I'll be back to comment more later, cuz I gotta go now, but just yay =]
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