I wrote delicately
on the roses
every moment
in you and
floored each and every
syllable to the core-
stretched the words
to cover you
entirely.
Still
you are chilled.
Through a dirty window
the brown of the ceiling tile
blinks and
for an instant
I wish it was you-
and for an instant
we are touching-
for an instant the
eyes, eyes
and brown damp thighs and
you are deeper
than yesterday
then the fog
obscures.
Sorry,
for a moment I thought you said
the L-word,
but naturally
I have again misheard
words as dry as wedding wine
as empty as the sodden sheets
the morning after.
Author notes
I don't like the title and I feel like it's a bit weak in the middle.
A contest entry
- Guaranteed Comments! by Nam.
425 points, ended October 23, 2007, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Critique This! by Danna Hobart.
390 points, ended November 9, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Well, I have to admit, I don't understand the part about the ceiling tile blinking. That stanza and the one about the L word are the only places I find anything weak in it. I honestly like the repetition of "for an instant." To me it gives the poem a sense of urgency, speaks to how brief an instant is. You have used lots of wedding symbols in this. Maybe that is why the ceiling tile throws me, because it is not consistant with the rest of the poem, and I can't grasp what it is supposed to represent.
I like the title. I can't find anything more fitting to change it to. -
The repetition of "instant" in the 4th, 5th, and 6th parts is a bit too repetitious. I would suggest removing one or two of them, and replacing them with similar words but not that particular word.
"words as dry as wedding wine"
I rarely ever quote lines but that's worth quoting.
A nice poem that you have written here.
-
I like. There is emotion in it, but not for the reader to feel. It seems like there is conflict within the night and the morning after. Maybe I am just reading too much into it. I like the title, Makes it sound like the roses are your heart being engraved. Anyways Great write
JJ
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