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Les Chansons de Printemps

Les chansons de printemps,
Du passe et présent,
Les souvenirs d’enfance,
Parsemé de maintenant,
Un des quatre saisons,
Qui complètent le couler de temps.

La couleur de la verdure,
La brise, toi, caresse le cœur,
Oiseaux croisent aux fleurs,
Les yeux, la lumière de soleil,
Une ondée de bonheur.

L’été et l’air étouffé,
Vie sans respirer,
Les erreurs faites avec une tête
Brulée. 
Feuilles brunes et mourantes,
Joues trempées de larmes,
Choisis mal a fait,
Regrets que je dois porter.

Mémoires de toi,
Vous, ma seule beauté,
Ils restent avec moi,
Une bougie de bien aimé, 
Dans l’hiver d’éternité. 

Author notes

This is my first French poem...a tad cliche I think, but then again, it's French, so to me, at least, it's a novelty in itself...
Seriously - I'd like some opinions...
I just realized - a translation might be helpful, so...
Here's a rough one - I'd rather be writing something else than translating something I've already done.

-And no, I'm not french...four years of highschool language *can* actually come to something I suppose

The songs of springtimes,
past and present,
The childhood memories,
Mixed with now,
one of the four seasons,
That complete the flow of time.

The color of the greenery,
The breeze, you,
caress the heart,
Birds sing to the flowers,
Your eyes, the sunlight,
A cascade of happiness.

The summer and the stifled air,
Life without breathing,
The errors done with a hot head.
Brown leaves and dying,
Tear soaked cheeks,
Choices badly made,
Regrets that I must carry.

Memories of you,
You, my only beauty,
They remain with me,
A candle of true love,
In the eternity of winter.

*Non-francophiles should also note that "é" sounds like a hard "a" sound - like "hey" without the 'h.'

[contest -> snickerdoodles]

meteoritekid

A contest entry

any thoughts?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • Heva Feva
    October 15

    Edit | Reply

    Wow. Wish I could speak French!

    This is so cool! I really like this bit:
    "The summer and the stifled air,
    Life without breathing,
    The errors done with a hot head.
    Brown leaves and dying,
    Tear soaked cheeks,
    Choices badly made,
    Regrets that I must carry. "


    Thank you so much for entering my contest, I love your poem! Good luck...
    -heva


    • truelover
      October 19
      Edit | Reply
      hey,
      thanks again - if you can figure out the pronunciation of french ,please give it a shot - it's meant to be that way...
      thanks,
      j


  • The Jabberwock
    October 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I'm no expert in French here, or anything, and I'm going to have my boyfriend look at this poem afterwards (because he IS French) however I don't believe you should have used the word "vous" in the sentance "Vous, ma seule beauté,"

    Vous is something you would say to someone you were not close to, or if it was multiple people. If you were to use "vous" instead of "tu" than the person would think that you were upset with them, as it would seem to be very... distanced. Like you're being overly formal for no reason

    • truelover
      October 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Hola,
      True, technically it's much more formal than 'tu,' but i thought it might work to try to show some distance between the two - maybe you/your boyfriend could help me decide, as I'm not entirely sure of the tone that 'vous' creates...would be nice to know for sure.
      -Thanks for the close read

      • The Jabberwock
        October 30, 2007

        Edit | Reply
        He said that it can be used, as it's a poem and it's more poetic sense, so "vous" is used a lot in poems. But he also said that you wouldn't switch back and forth between "tu" (toi) and "vous."

        Also after he read it he said that a lot of it is translated too directly. As well a couple words don't make sense, the word "ondée" is used in correctly and "bien" means "well" and not "good" so that doesn't work the way you want it to.

        Anyway, he doesn't have an account on here and I don't know French well enough to explain how to word it better, but I hope that helps somewhat. XD

        • truelover
          October 30, 2007
          Edit | Reply
          Interesting...the idiomatic phrases are correct, I checked with my (also native speaking) French teacher while writing it; the term "bien aimé" means literally "true love," as opposed to the literal "well liked." I admit that "tête brulée" is something of a strech in accordance with the associated idiomatic phrase, but the general sense of the words is the same in French, so technically I didn't even take much "poetic lisence" with it. Beyond that, the translation is somewhat literal, but the languages are rather parallel - there might have been some slightly awkward parts gramatically, but I've seen the same in many of the better regarded French poems that I've read, so I don't see anything too odd about it; just look at most any poem in English...
          I find it odd that a native speaker didn't know the phrase "bien aimé..."


  • ellipsist
    October 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    the translation was helpful... definitely a novel approach to explore cliche in French

    I like the way it reads in French, better, but fear that I am probably not pronouncing the words correctly...


  • XInsanity-FairX
    October 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this was great
    and i think it's cool how you did it in French
    the phrasing was good
    as was the flow
    and it was full of emotion

    thanks for entering and good luck
    xxxx


  • PassionsPromise gold member
    October 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WOOOHOOOO I love seeing new languages in writing like this.
    You did great and thanks for the interpretation in your AN

    best wishes in all you do


  • kdanielle
    October 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks so much for entering my contest. I would have preferred that you entered a poem that had not been in a contest before, particularly that received an HM award, but I did not specify so I will leave it be. Thanks again. Goodluck.


  • Tarja
    October 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Congrats on the honorable mention trophy. And thank you for translating in the authors notes. This was an interesting piece, thanks for entering and good luck.

  • near1202apocalypse
    October 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is a lovely poem. i don't read french so the translation did help a lot! i love it!

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    October 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is very pretty thank you for your entry and goodluck to you in the contest.Best wishes and much love


  • xxlisajazminexx
    October 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    beautifully done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i was confused at first because i had no clue what it said so i am very very happy that you did deside to translate what the poem was about for us non-french people here!...lol!!!!!!!!!
    nicely written!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    great job!!!!




    Thank you so much for entering this creative work of art into my Contest!!!!!!!

    much love and respects!!!
    XxLisaJazminexX
    _____________________________________________________________________


  • heartsoveratlantis
    October 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    very pretty
    I hadn't expected any multi lingual poetry, this is cool
    thank you


  • Paulies Cracker
    October 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    well i like it once i can understand it.. lol... haha it was beautiful in french but more understandable in english... thank you so much!! good luck!


  • LadyDementia gold member
    October 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful

    I'm so glad you translated it. It is a wonderful write. The imagery is superb. Best of luck in the contest!

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