You Saw Me...And I Pray You Regret My Decision...

...To pick "the other guy", the "new one", the "competition".....

                  Because I might...regret that is. Why did I see you? Why did you look good? WHY were you with two girls? Why not me? Could I have missed out? I saw you today and my heart stopped--That sweaty, heart stopping gut wrenching, painful, headache inducing...wonderful feeling. I got that gut feeling...it shoots down into your stomach without fail... every time you see that person you like...love? Maybe, I don't know what it is. I've never known what it was and certainly what it is or isn't now. Surely it wasn't/isn't love. No, I don't think so. More like infatuation meets lust. Yeah, that's what it was. Certainly nothing that will last over 4 years. But why has it? Why do I worry about seeing you places because I know I'll think about you for days and days and days? It must be something worth talking about, worth writing about. I kept your letters, I had no idea it was like that. Why do I still have them and cherish them and keep them in a safe, secret place? I think I want to escape the mundane that is my life now...I read them occasionally.

            I hope I didn't make the wrong decision...That's all I'm worried about. I hope that I did the right thing in picking the one that would be best for and please everyone. But that's just it. You wanted to be with me and so did he. And I didn't choose you, I did choose him and for what? To play it safe and miss being single and miss you and miss living the hard life, day by day, never knowing what's going to happen next, to miss being adventurous and spontaneous?... I don't know why I chose him. I did it to please his friends and my friends and my family and to protect myself because I know he would never ever do the things you did. The things you did that made my heart stop. The things that I would NEVER wish on anyone, but the things i went back to, and loved and held onto because I knew you were only doing them to/for me...

            But in the end...Am I happy? He is, but I'm not and I know that I wouldn't be writing this if I was.

                                                I suppose I made the wrong choice after all.
                                          I wish you made the right one today and asked for my number.
                                  ....or to go for a walk....or coffee. But you didn't.
                                                        You didn't so we're both at fault and so it ends.
                                            That's how it's going to be...every time.