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Inked Red Poem

Like the red wine that flows through your veins,
At some point your life will stop flowing.
Like the red wine that flows through your veins,
It will be used to sustain me for eternity.
Like the red wine that flows through your veins,
Your life leaks away with every sip I take.
Like the red wine that flows through your veins,
It will end with the end of this poem.

A contest entry

So how do you think I did?

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • The Tower
    October 20, 2007

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    I think this poem could have bee really good, it didn't quite live up to the potential of it's concept.
    I have a couple of pointers (don't take these too harshly, i'm meaning to be constructive):

    -"Like" at the beginning of the repeated line banalizes that lines impact. Like being repeated so often tells me that what is being written oly resembles what you were actually thinking, which is bad.

    -"It will end with the end of this poem" takes the reader right out of the poem by reminding them that it is, in fact a poem. In other words it messes with suspension of disbeleef.

    Aside from this, i liked it overall.


    • HippieMinded
      October 21, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks.
      Those are good points, I'll try to remember them for my next poem.
      (Don't worry, not taken to harshly lol ^_^)


  • petrichor
    October 18, 2007

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    I quite liked this poem, and I don't even like repition that much. But I loved that line.
    'Like the red liquid that flows through your veins,
    At some point your life will stop flowing.'
    mmm, very promising.

    <33


  • Nuclear
    October 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I am not sure about the repition, but I do not have any real complaints about this poem.

    You're a vampire, and the victim dies at the end of the poem. I understood that much. Does that mean that you wrote it in their blood? This is short and interesting; I will probably come back and re-read it a few more times.

    • HippieMinded
      October 17, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      No he's not writing it with the person's blood.
      It more like he thinking of the poem as he's drinking.
      So when he's finished drinking the person's blood, he's lost insperation for the poem.

      I don't know lol
      I was bored and started writing what ever came to my mind lol

1 - 5 of 5