so you've
transformed
again, another
angle at something I
simply don't
understand.
it's not everyday I
get to tell you
what you've become
and maybe you've realized
that I can be
okay.
or maybe it's him,
maybe it's the
beating
pressure
of another world
pounding at your
door.
you acquiesce to his
slightest
mood,
as if god himself had
landed
at your own
two
feet.
but maybe it's
time
for me to
realize
that you can be
okay.
even if you're
like this.
Author notes
10/15/07
prompt: alien
Critical comments welcome. I haven't gotten any in a while so that should be a nice slap in the face.
A contest entry
- alien by zillion.
300 points, ended October 23, 2007, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Normally I find the repetition of words to be...well repetitive lol. But the way you used the multiple maybes in this piece was brilliant. They added so much more than any synonym ever could have. I really liked the first stanza - it's surprising and colorful and unexpected, and I loved every word of it. Your last two lines seem a little weak after the boldness of the rest of the piece lol...I'm guilty of doing that too, though, so I'm not sure how much I can criticize you for it. I don't mind a lot of returns in a poem, but there were a couple places in here that just seemed to stretch things out a bit too much. I understand you're going for pacing, but it ends up holding the piece back, I think. Especially after the first stanza. But eh, that's just my little opinion. Lovely write, and a creative take on the prompt.
-
LOL, no slap in the face. Just the usual question/suggest stuff. Okay, so here:
"or maybe it's him,
maybe it's the
beating
pressure
of another world"
I noticed that you used periods and commas through out the poem, as sentence structure. I also noticed that you didn't capitilize the beginning of each new sentence, which is lovely. I never do either. Anyways,
"Or maybe it's him"
seemed like a seperate sentence. Maybe (ha, it's that word again) it would sound more together as such:
maybe it's him.
or maybe it's the
beating
pressure
of another world
I really liked all the 'maybe's in this. I think it gives it that, or-maybe-not, feeling. To be unsure of anything is a sign of intelligence.
-
-
Thanks for your detailed comment! I understand what you're saying about the "maybe it's him" line. I think, though, that I actually misrepresented what I was thinking when I wrote it out. I meant to imply that "him" *is* the "beating/pressure/of another world." Perhaps a semi-colon would fit better there? I'm honestly not sure.
To be unsure might be a sign of intelligence in intellectual persuits, but when it comes to my own personal dramas, I think it only indicates that people are confusing. :-p
-
-
I'd give you a critical comment, but I don't have one. eh. Sorry, but I think this is great how it is. It's a REALLY creative take on the prompt, and it starts and ends strong. I loved this line:
"you acquiesce to his
slightest
mood,
as if god himself had
landed
at your own
two
feet."
I think this was really well written. But I promise I'll give you that nice slip in the face next time I read a piece of yours that warrants it.
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