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to Be You

CAN I BE YOU JUST FOR ONE DAY?

SO YOU CAN HEAR THE NASTY WORDS YOU SAY

COULD YOU BE ME SO YOU COULD SEE

ALL THE PAIN AND MISERY YOU’VE BROUGHT TO ME?

COULD I BE YOU AND YOU BE ME?

WE CAN SIT AND TALK ABOUT ALL OF OUR FEELINGS

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D WONDER WHERE YOU WOULD BE

LOOKING FOR YOU LOOKING FOR ME.

WHEN YOU LOOK IN MY EYES YOU PRETEND TO SEE

THE REAL ME

BUT PLEASE DON’T PRESUME TO KNOW HOW I FEEL

TILL YOU’VE ACTUALLY WALKED A MILE IN MY HEELS

SO I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO BE YOU AND YOU BE ME

FOR OUR EYES TO CONFESS OUR FEELINGS. 

DL

A contest entry

I LOVE THOUGHTS GOOD OR BAD

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • punksense
    January 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    AWESOME


  • Puking Faerie Dust gold member
    December 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I've been through this many times before, I'm sure a lot of people have/can relate, and I'm sorry you had too experience it, too.

    I thought the rhyming was completely pedestrian and, honestly, third grade. I didn't understand the all capitalization, either. I understand that a subject like this can get angry, but I didn't really feel that much anger in your poem that you needed to capitalize the entire thing. It's distracting.
    Sorry if I sounded harsh, I just like to be truthful.
    Good luck in the contest
    Jeanette*~


  • punksense
    December 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! That is soooooooooooooooooooo much better! I LOVE IT! It's so much more powerful now. Excellent editing. The line breaks definitely helped. Now your rhyming is a lot more effective!

    Jen >_


  • punksense
    December 24, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I don't think you need a comma before "the real me." I also think that this might work better as a poem than a prose write. You could split lines and listen to the natural line breaks. For example:

    instead of, "CAN I BE YOU JUST FOR ONE DAY? SO YOU CAN HEAR THE NASTY WORDS YOU SAY. COULD YOU BE ME SO YOU COULD SEE ALL THE PAIN AND MISERY YOU’VE BROUGHT TO ME?"

    change to,
    "CAN I BE YOU JUST FOR ONE DAY
    SO YOU CAN HEAR THE NASTY WORDS YOU SAY?
    COULD YOU BE ME,
    SO YOU COULD SEE ALL THE PAIN AND MISERY YOU’VE BROUGHT TO ME?"
    etc...

    Other than that, I loved the repetition, and it was really a very direct way of showing me and making me want to shout those very questions. Nice write! Let me know if you've edited anything.

    Good luck!

    Jen >_<


  • sidewinder silver member
    December 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    sometimes we all need to open our hearts and simply listen to those around and be there for them when they need us the most.

    I hear ya clearly!
    Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
    Bill


  • BluRosePoet8488
    October 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm? I don't really know what to make of this. The fashion in which it is written tells me that this is more of a vent. Anger does seep through the lines as I read. I, too, love the last line, 'SO I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO BE YOU AND YOU BE ME, FOR OUR EYES TO CONFESS OUR FEELINGS.' That is the most powerful part of this piece. Keep the ink flowing and good luck.
    ~Donna~


  • ellipsist
    October 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    please do not rate or reply to this comment

    I really, really like the very last sentence of this piece... I am normally not a fan of the repetition, but I think it works well within this piece, the back and forth between "you" and "me" and the comparisons and contrasts between what you are wishing for and what is reality... thanks for sharing this piece in my contest...

1 - 7 of 7