I have a few questions floating in my brain.
The better part of valour,driving me insane.
My quiet resignation is going down the drain.
Does anybody care when all I feel is pain?
What about the promises so blatantly made?
If I had of known,I never would have stayed.
Sirens start to wail like a fucking air raid.
Memories I've made will slowly start to fade.
I can't help but feel like I'm out of control.
Somewhere deep inside there's a lost forgotten soul.
Democracy is denied at the local voting polls.
Depleting our resources,burning all the coal.
Is this the justice of a thousand years?
Parents live their lives in total utter fear.
Corruption and lies are governmental cheers.
The sound of poverty is all that we can hear.
Tell me once more what you'll do for me?
I didn't vote for this so called democracy.
Native American ,yet I can never live free.
Cultures of corruption live in our society
The former status-quo will slowly fade away.
'Kiddie cocaine' controls what children say.
Preachers telling me it's time for me to pray.
I hope that someone gives me an answer today.
A contest entry
- RHYMED POEMS ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT ... by ecrivain01.
1150 points, ended October 27, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A ...=...Anything by TheAshtrayGirl.
550 points, ended March 13, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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:)
Excellent
Has great meaning and emotions
It would actually make a great song
Also the rhyme is greatly done
Thankyou for entering my contest
&
Good luck
Jaz <3 -
well, I think when it comes to issues here the shotgun effect can work. I do like the poem and I think that some of the rhyme is forced a little but goes well.
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Nice work, the rhyme and meter were well done and the subject was definetly something important. Good job. Take care and Have fun. Steve
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Wow this is a great poem, you've brought up some very important issues, and no one seems to be addressing them. You have some wonderful lines throughout. I loved the rhyme scheme and flow too.
I hope someone starts answering soon as well. Keep up the great work and good luck in the contest
Never ♥ -
You're on the right track ...
but this seems more like metaphors by mixmaster. The ideas here are so varied and mixed up that it seems like you aimed words at the page with a shotgun. I am not usually impressed with profanity anyway, and I don't see that it helps much here. It's obvious that you have the right idea, but your writing needs a lot of improvement. I imagine that it will improve with time, of course, but right now this is more highschoolish than adult. Everything you've mentioned is true, and that's a plus, but the rhyme scheme makes this look amateurish. Good poets rarely use four rhyme words in a row per stanza for a good reason. You have to manipulate the meanings to get the rhyme words to work out, and that means manipulating the lines. English isn't a "rime riche" language like French or Italian, or even German. There are far fewer rhyme possibilities in English, and usually you have to stretch to make them work. You've managed to make that obvious here.
That said, I like your poem, or at least I like what it says. I can't say that the lines always work for me here, and I think you could have managed better if you'd done abab cdcd or something like that. When you tackle a rhyme scheme that's aaaa bbbb cccc dddd eeee and so on, it weakens your poem if you don't have a very good ability to write strong lines with strong rhymes.
Anyway, thanks for entering and good luck with your writing in future.
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