I entered my cell once again
It had been the second time i had visited this year
I had done wrong things again
All i had to say at the time was "O Dear"
The only source of light was artificial
Like the thoughts in my mind, I hated very much
In here it made me go crazy because
I didn’t have no one or nothing to touch
Just four walls surrounded by body
But my mind was in its very own cell
I was scared, angry and along
It was my idea of a perfect hell
It was my fault I was here in the first place
And it killed me inside to be here
Every minute inside was torture
Nothing to look forward to but hunger and fear
I cracked under the emotional pressure
My heart it started to break
Nothing to do but play the events over and over
I sat on the mat and started to shake.
A contest entry
- Alone by Timothy Cameron.
525 points, ended November 4, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
so what you think??
Comments
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I like where you were taking this. I guess my main observation would be that the third stanza seems to be painting a picture of a mental cell as opposed to a physical one, which I think, without some more elaboration might confuse things a bit. Is the whole poem a metaphor for a self-imposed mental cell, or is the mental cell somehow a result of the physical cell? Is there some way you could paint that more clearly? Also, there were a few areas where I wasn't sure if there was just some editing that needed done, or if you were trying to narrate in a way that was a relection of this persons dialect. For instance, "I don't have no one or nothing to touch". I think either that needs to be cleaned up or there needs to be more consistency throughout the poem if that is how you were trying to convey that the narrator actually speaks, because some of the other lines are very eloquent and elaboratly worded which I think gives a bit of an inconsistanty. I think with a little bit of cleaning up, this could be a great poem.
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Kristy
Thank you for your submission. Much appreciated. -
Contested
I wonder about these contests, probably would be better if I read the context of the contest before the poem. One spelling nit (maybe) angry and along -> alone (?)
The poem seemed to be a bit choppy and rough, but that lended to the general mood of the content, so leave well enough alone I think. A rough read that was a good read for that reason...sort of, ya know? Good Job!
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