do not tell me i am alone they tell me i am but what do they know? oh god i think nothing.
of course ‘i think nothing’ could mean so much. i don’t know i cannot think cannot move i am colossus bound at rhodes a libation-bearer drunk on love and i know not what else perhaps a stone.
weight you say may drown itself but i am not weight we are of it and i fear it will not be i who shall drown. minds squelch and melt in regret and knowledge but in fear they drown.
in fear we drown. at least not i.
so dark is this cell that crawls with the slick lives of many-- melancholy fermented to moss and mould on dank prison walls. we are not alone but stifled, suffocated as the final shudder from cracked lips before the worms arrive to redeem us.
Author notes
This was a prompt from one of my English classes. It was supposed to be something like "the most pain you've ever felt and why," but I always stray from the preset "I felt sad when my mum died because she was my mum" format. This is based on the tragedy of Gretchen from Goethe's "Faust," and is written from her viewpoint while she's in prison. My professor didn't get it. :/
A contest entry
- Have A Rewards Poem? Enter It Here!!!!! Almost Any Subject!!! by opaqueangel.
1225 points, ended December 4, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critique this, please.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Hahaha, you're too smart and talented for your own good
(quote: "my professor didn't get it") Also, I've always wanted to read that book but was afraid I either wouldn't understand it or it would be boring. I'm guessing it's good?
Anyhoo, this was lovely, deary. The images were great and I feel you captured the feeling that you describe in the author's notes perfectly. You have re-ignited my love for awesome prose The only thing I would change is to add a few commas. I know how you are, though; you don't use much punctuation in your prose, but I feel it needs just a few? Amazing, darlin'. Thank you for entering, and good luck 
Jeanette*~
P.S. HOE!
just kidding
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You're right; I probably should add some commas. This has barely changed since I wrote it in September, so it does need revision. And read Faust (and Marlowe's Dr. Faustus, cos Marlowe is one of my favourite writers and had a really interesting life... mmmm, Kit Marlowe!). The second part of Faust isn't nearly as good as the first. If you don't know what translation to get, I have a few good recommendations
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Amazing piece. you have great talent
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This is simply amazing, I really am just left speachless after this and am not exactly sure what kind of coment I could leave for you that would actually do justice to this peice! This is so wonderfully done and I absolutly loved it! Thank so much for this entery. Good luck and very well done! Keep up the great writting!
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amazing.
you are simply amazingly talented.
i would be vary great full if you read some of mine and gave me your opinion on them -
wow
datts good, its a nice poem u rote,
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great write.
This sounds a bit Faulknerian to me, the way it's very stream-of-consciousness [which is lovely, as he is my favorite author].
From a critical standpoint, though, I have a couple of things to say. In the first stanza, the "well technically" to me takes away from the power of the piece as a whole, because it seems like a mistake, like you're suddenly saying, 'oh, oops, that's not right'. I don't know; I think it could be stronger.
The second stanza, however, I love. "libation-bearer drunk on love" - fantastic. I'm jealous. The same goes for the third stanza. I love the last line, the vocabulary is perfect. I also like the way that the fourth stanza is so short, it adds tremendous power to the piece.
The last stanza is also very strong, but I would like to bring to your attention the fact that you use the word "walls" twice in one sentence. I don't know if that concerns you or not but I just thought I'd mention it. The vocabulary and imagery in this stanza are amazing - very powerful, but I do think you might be better off removing the last line. It doesn't seem to fit with all the beautiful vocabulary and imagery in the stanza. I think it works perfectly well just ending it with "...to redeem us."
But altogether, fabulous job.
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Hmm... I didn't notice the "well technically" when I was writing it. I definitely agree, and it shall be removed, along with that last line, which I hate anyway.
Thank you so, so much for the criticism! I really appreciate it!
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I am familiar with Goethe himself, having taken 2 years of german, but I am not familiar with "Faust"... Still, the point is moot.
This is excellent. The powerful vocabulary. The imagery, especially in the last paragraph/stanza. BTW, I wouldn't change that last line. I think that you've provided a satisfactory ending.
Thanks for adding this to the reading list.
~Zach
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