Autumn leaves
blown from distant trees
at the bus-stop gathering
the front of his coat
a disheveled man
Andrew Hide
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very nice , my aunt just sent me info on tanka, poets.org
thanks for the comments on mine
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I have seen this man at the bus stop in autumn but never so vividly as I did in your tanka! It is excellent and I always enjoy reading your haiku and tanka's!
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i really am not sure about line 2 .. its too cliched for me ...
autumn leaves/at the bus-stop gathering ... tells me all and its a lovely pivot to the coat and man ... 'gathering' is a great word ... it is so the leaves and so the coat/man ... luverly ...
hmmm even autumn might not be required ... leaves at the bus stop gathering ... and the gerund is of course required considering the pivot and its strength ...
i ramble
>>> Gina
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Thankyou Gina
leaves
at the bus-stop
gathering
the front of his coat
a disheveled man
falling leaves--
the front of his coat
gathered
Now you've got me thinking, it does lose the zooming in effect, but maybe it isn't needed.
I shall play with this a bit.....any thoughts?
Andrew
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ah ... zooming ... (now that you mention it) ... a city view/empty street ? a typically autumn sky ? street lights coming on or off ? although each thing i think of becomes a zoom thing on its own - setting the scene - rather than leading into the leaves ... >>> Gina
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This is a good tanka, I like the different set of images within each section. You can feel the underlying cold in the breeze, as the leaves blow, and the man wrapping his coat tighter around him.
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