in amber fragrant
she wakes the yearning of old,
from dust of summer,
upon the pretense, fancy
her to melancholy songs,
bolster, rosy breath,
raining her apples light down,
where quilts of red bled,
upon yellow leaves turned its
moments sweet of a ripen
red fruit plucked off
barren branch, in cool morning
light rapture the sweet
breeze; a moment in time stood,
autumn's chill, lament season.
Author notes
POW
Tanka:
Tanka is a classic form of Japanese poetry related to the haiku with five unrhymed lines of five,
seven, five, seven, and seven syllables. (5, 7, 5, 7, 7)
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week (POW) by Arkbear.
750 points, ended October 15, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Allpoetry Book 2: Get Published! by tinuelena.
1050 points, ended November 13, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Short poems about the Autumn Season by The Fun House.
950 points, ended November 2, 2008, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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This is an outstanding piece of poetry and I honestly found myself captivated by it. Unfortunately it has exceeded the maximum line requirements for my contest (10). I'm very sorry but I have to disqualify it in fairness to the other contestants. But it sure is a wondefully done piece.
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Thank you
Thank you for the wonderful comment given, and the applaudes are most welcome. Haley27
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Great write. Fall is a beautiful season.
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Well expressed.
Imagery here that you use gave me some thinking had to go read it again and it was well worth the read for a second time
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thank u
I'm glad u liked my poem. Thank u for the applaudes and wonderful sentiments given. Haley27
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This is beautiful! I have never seen a string of tankas together like this. The images are powerful, colorful and vibrant - just like fall! I agree with Bear . . . the one line is missing a few syllables (even if 'plucked' is read as 'pluck-ed') . . . maybe the word "frosted" or "frozen" . . . this is just my opinion. Overall, I love it!
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Prettily written. Your smart and careful placement of words do this poem justice, for sure!! Feels like autumn to me! Nice job!!
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Excellent Poem
Pretty words of Expression! -
very pretty. the imagery you used here is absolutely stunning. i had a hard time maintaining the continuity, probably because of the form this is in. nice write
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I am only slightly familiar with the Tanka, but except for the line Bear mentioned this appears to be well done. I did, however, find your thoughts difficult to follow because of some of your grammar choices. I believe even if there are certain "rules" you have to follow, it's important they not hinder or control the poem...and that's how this reads to me.
In L1..."fragrant" or "fragrance"?
I also notice 16 commas, but only 1 period. Don't be afraid to break your thoughts up and allow your readers to really digest some of that wonderful imagery you've given us.
Thank you for sharing your talents with us in the POW. I hope to see entries from you in future contests.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
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Thank u
I'm usually a dark poet, and light poetry is usually bit complex for me. This one I had in word and thought would bring to POW. I'm still learning what it takes to come to this contest and will not hold be back to bring my all in the next one. Haley27
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Nice Tanka Chain ~
*fruit plucked its*....I get 3 syllables..should be ( 5 )
...other than that, perfect count ~
I am a fan of Tankas, and you have done well with this Chain ~
I liked your Theme, but a little cliche', as this has been done over & over many, many times and then re-done again ~
Title is common and cliche', yet tells the new Reader what to expect, so I won't hit you on it.....but after you get to know me, you'll find that I enjoy a nice Metaphorical Title vs, *simple*
You did bring a freshness to it, but we look for the uncommon Theme which can make our jaws drop and make us scream POW!!!!!
Another factor which is going to hit your total score, is the inability to follow all Rules....as you forgot the *Theme* & the *POW* in your Authors' Notes :(
....also....I adore your ability to use punctuation.....but this is going to be a first for me......*tooooo many commas*.....destroyed the Flow for me ~
You did a great job, but if you take a look at the past few POW's, you'll get a better feel for what we are looking for ~
.....or.....look at the entries which have scored above 97 in this POW you are currently in ~
:)
Please join us again next month, as each Poet is only allowed ( 1 ) POW per month ~
Let's see how your entry scored in my eyes!
Good luck Poet,
Bear ~
Title 9.1
Flow 9.1
Depth 8.3
Theme 8.4
Feelings 8.3
Grammar 8.7
Presentation 8.8
Uncommonness 8.5
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.4
Ability to follow Rules 9
Bears Score: 86.6
Please bring your talents back next month!
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