starts with something
small.
A stain, something
lost.
It slides
into you,
rips your insides
on its thorns.
Layers of blindness peel
away from the eyes,
leaving pupils
to swallow
ugly images
of your
life.
Feel stone memories
fill your stomach,press
their weight against you
until the lining bloats
and
rips.
The body tries
to purge,
soul's convulsions
spew hatred and despair
to the
point
where it
catches in your throat.
Chokes you
from the inside
out.
All that can escape
are tears--
And gasping prayers
for blindness.
Author notes
This is the left aligned version of a poem that I wrote in college.... and trust me, I still feel this way periodically.
A contest entry
- What Are The Sounds Of Horror Within Yourself? by theredcatjazzoflove.
700 points, ended October 10, 2008, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - E.M.O ~ PoEmS xxx && brokenrosessooooofocate by Ryno.
400 points, ended December 8, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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The imagery was powerful. I thought like I was suffocating myself, that I was being tortured like this - but there also something along with this feeling that wasn't evident in the poem; that I was doing it to myself. That I was having so much trouble excepting myself...
The emotion is power through the imagery. Very graphic, but very strong. Well done! -
you were a great mentor to my tragedy reading this everything you penned is exactly the symptoms of the agony of the crap i totally love this
good luck in the contest
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I really do like it a lot better with a left alignment than the centred version. I would have liked to do a side by side comparison, but the original seems to be gone.
I really think that using the more simple left alignment, and not 'extra' jaggedy centre alignment with added spaces. It makes it so much easier for me to read, because at each carrige return, my eyes know right where to go to, right back to the left.
You've achieved the same effect with the hanging indent, and extra line breaks, without the 'cheapyness' of the centred alignment.
To me, this is honestly significantly better than the centred version. With the centred version, I immediately judged it when it came up on the page. Usualy, when I run aground of a centred poem, I get to about the 3rd line, before I hit the 'back' button on the browser, or flip the page. Particularly if there isn't a really glaringly obvious effect. (which I didn't really get from your original piece, but saw after you explained its purpose)
Not to say that it's the case for your poem, and as you've explained to me it certianly wasn't, when I see a centred piece, it just makes me think that either the poet is lazy, or are covering up for the fact that thier words can't stand on thier own, and need some kind of gimmick to add interest.
With this poem, it is most ceritanly not the case. You have really great imagry, and word choice. This poem would stand out on its own without any 'special' spacing at all. The fact that you have now added in deliberate line breaks, and hanging indents shows that they were truly deliberate, and as a result really DO add the effect I think you're looking for, and do so immediately upon my viewing the pice. I immediately go "Hrm, I wonder what the poet wants me to get out of the spacing of the poem, and how does that relate to the words?"
In my humble opinion, this really is a huge improvement.
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Thank you for your very well thought out commentary. It is starting to grow on me now that I have given it some time and looked at it again. I will keep it this way and try to incorporate what you have said into some more of my writing. Thank you very much for the time you have taken with this.
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Oh. This is an interesting poem that you have here.
I liked it. I think that it looks good with the way you have it left aligned. I think that centering poems usually makes them looked squished but maybe that's just me. It was all very metaphoric so I don't really know what you're talking about but I did pick up a lot of feeling of sadness and despair. I think that you did a good job of expressing yourself here.
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Well done
I'm not sophisticated enough to talk about alignment and its effect on verse. I only know what I like and how it effects me. I liked it.
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I like the lsft alignment, although I have not read the poem that was center aligned. The diction is well selected and the syntax does not suffer as the result of a left alignment. There are some lines that seem to have a hanging indent. I like that also . . . it seems to reinforce the tone of the poem. Was this intentional?
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