Butterflies have looks to kill,
like ants on picnic tables.
Coffee bears that line your conscience,
frame your figure with delicate curls.
Sentences are getting too long,
revolution isn't a spiritual sign.
I haven't got an initial inspiration;
you aren't my lullaby.
My eyelid's disappearing,
through smoky walls up high.
Elasticity is too reliable for my tastes;
I'd rather cry myself awake.
Can you feel me dripping from your lips;
the sweet scent of liquid nitrogen.
I can feel you snake up my back,
picking at scabs that never dry.
A contest entry
- Blank Cheque by sca.
777 points, ended November 1, 2007, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - my muse is suffering - GIVE ME INSPIRATION! by ellipsist.
1100 points, ended November 3, 2007, 60 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whatever The Hell You Want To Enter [please read the first line] by Nam.
425 points, ended October 21, 2007, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options Contest! Take a look by TheAshtrayGirl.
650 points, ended November 17, 2007, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I like the original language, metaphor, description and subject matter. This flows beautifully, with just a little bit of subtle rhyme here and there.
Are the coffee bears meant to be bears or beans? (I don't mean either way to be more correct - to be honest it's a decent play on words - but I'm just curious).
=> Jess
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No, it is bears. =P
Bears in the sense the aggressive nature of your your conscience. And it's triggered by coffee. Coffee here is like your struggle.
Get it?
=D
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:)
Excellent poem
I like the way its different
Slightly confusing at first
but good
Thanks for entering my contest
Jaz <3 -
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Thanks!
=)
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Keep up the good work poet! I so enjoyed this work, my favourite lines were:
Coffee bears that line your conscience,
frame your figure with delicate curls.
Sentences are getting too long,
revolution isn't a spiritual sign.
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Thank you!
=)
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Ok, I must admit that I didn't get this one at all. This jumped around so much I felt I was watching a tennis match...Scott
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Hardly anyone gets it. =\ It's rather unnerving, actually. But the irony is, the symbolism is just forehead-slapping when you figure it out.
=P
Thanks a lot!
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It seems as if it goes back & forth on visuals, and perhaps even metaphors. If true, that's good in such a short poem. A nice poem that you have written here.
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Haha, yeah I guess it did.
=)
Thanks a lot!
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I like this a lot... there's something about the tone that I cannot place my finger on that just draws me in... I love "coffee bears"... reminds me of a bitter tasting gummi-candy, perhaps? anyway, there is a cynicism to this piece that I find very appealing and I thank you for sharing it in my contest! 'twas much needed!
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I guess you could say that. It was more of a hyperactive aggressive beast. =P
Thanks a lot!
=)
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