It was October 14th when you found me,
standing in front of "Sanctuary".
You were slumming from high society,
wearing a black corset and pvc.
With your bleach blonde hair,
your eyes of green,
you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
First I asked you to sing for me.
Then to move in with me.
To leave your castle in high society,
and endure with me in poverty.
When you said yes, I was so happy,
but there was still one thing I couldn't believe.
That's what the hell you ever saw in me.
All the things that you taught me,
like using chopsticks while eating Chinese.
Pass the Shakespeare, a little culture please,
maybe a Mozart or Bach CD.
Watching Cabaret with Liza Minnelli,
I always knew that you wanted to be, Illuminati,
but instead you were my rock n' roll queen.
For all of this, I thank you,
but most of all I thank you for me.
Author notes
Someone taught me once that to truly live life to its fullest is to experience every kind of living there is.
Growing with the help of others.
In a list
A contest entry
- Make Me Fall in Love... by trista.
450 points, ended October 20, 2007, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - LET ME TRY THIS AGAIN-PHOTO-PROMPT please read- #50 -Ever meet someone special, and want to say thank you???? by Roaddog Wolf.
900 points, ended April 2, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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just a wonderful poem, down ro earth and very real feelings that many can identify with. good write indeed
thank you for entering and good luck in the contest
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Amazing
Whoever you wrote this about must be very special. I think this poem paints a beautiful, relateable picture for anyone who might read it. I don't know anyone who wouldn't want to find a love like this. -
Great write. I loved how you expressed and told the story. I guess my I have a story that is very similar to that and it was cool reading how you showed it. I loved it from top to bottom. the only thing I would critique if i may was that i think you used the word me a little to much, but it wasn't distracting. Thank you for this poem!
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I like this, it really tells the story well. The rhyming confused me a little but it works
Thanks for the entry, and g'luck -
An evocative song that gently eases the reader into the world experienced by the poet. So well balanced and rhythmically controlled. Thanks so much for the read.
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Wow! This was a great poem. The ending completed it soo well!
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What an amazing tribute and dedication. I really love your natural style and sincerity of expression, and the whole contemporary feel of this poignant poem that really read and flowed beautifully, and was spiced with intimate images and details that brought to piece to life for me. Best of luck in the contest with this marvelous poem, and keep up the wonderful works.
David Michaels
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oh my gosh!! this was amazing!!! thank you so much and i wish you the best of luck!!!!
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Awww...I remember this very well from the POW.
You have my thoughts on this from before, and I still like it...except this time I can leave some well-deserved applause.
Thanks so much for your entry and good luck!
~J.
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I have a friend who is very similar to the one you have described in this piece! This was great it told a little story in the form of a well written poem, nicely done.
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Hi and welcome to the POW. As Bear said, this has a fantastic theme, imagery, title, and presentation. I also agree that the grammar and flow will be hardest hit in the scoring...
"First I ask (asked) you to sing for me."
I think my basic problem with the grammar is that the poem seems very "wordy" to me. Cutting out even a few of those filler words would (IMO) bring out more power and style to this. I'd also like to see the lines evened out a bit to help with the flow.
There's a lot to like about your entry though, so I think I will let your score speak the rest. Thanks so much for your entry and good luck!
Best wishes,
~J. -
Your poetry amazes me and always makes me speachless. haha, anyways... I really really loved this...that's all I can come up with.lol.
-Jenn
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Wow so sweet!!! I love the way you wrote this it alsmot sounds like a song od summtin!!! Very well done!
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Powerful ~
I, too, would not be who I am, without him ~
This is a tremendous Theme you have brought forth ~
I am still in awe at such a wonderful topic.....however, I feel that some of grammatical choices have hendered this entry ~
In other words.....I think your Flow is a weeeeee bit off ~
The imagery.....story....Theme......thoughts.....all great to say the least......it will be your flow that encounters a hit in scoring ~
I welcome you to the POW, as I have never seen your Quill grace us with its' talents before ~
There is only ( 1 ) POW per Poet, per Month, so I hope to see you grace us again in the POD or POM coming soon, until next month when you can get back into the next POW!
Presentation is superb....Title is the best out of this Whole POW contest ~
Let's see how your entry scored ~
Good luck Poet :)
Bear ~
Title 10
Flow 9.3
Depth 9.85
Theme 10
Feelings 9.5
Grammar 9.25
Presentation 9.85
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.95
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 97.7
Way ta go!
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Wonderful
This is a great read! Like a modern day fairy tale, all happy happy!
You were slumming from high society,
wearing a black corset and pvc.
With your bleach blonde hair,
Installed great pictures in my mind with these lines. Best of luck in the contest!
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