I feel like I'm losing you,
Trapped behind an open door.
I'm not blind for I can see,
You're falling into pieces.
Unwilling to tell what led you
This far into silence.
You shake your head,
Then loudly turn away.
Your silence is deafening,
It speaks your every thought.
If you'd just let me help,
Maybe you wouldn't crumble apart.
As I watch you everyday,
I hope that there's something to say.
Watching you fall is tearing me down,
Wishing the old you was around.
You hide your feelings with a smile,
And say you want to be alone for awhile.
I feel like I'm losing you,
Trapped behind that open door.
Unable to overcome it for
The damage already done.
Author notes
Very personal poem as sometimes I am like this myself. My friends and I are going through some tough times together but I think we'll make it through. Hope you enjoyed reading this!
A contest entry
- A friend that hurts by FreeFalling911.
540 points, ended October 26, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Looking for Favourites by XxGoldenxXDawnxX.
425 points, ended October 24, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - feel my pain by dreamweaver08.
380 points, ended November 5, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems That Should Have Won...But Didn't by trista.
1050 points, ended February 24, 2008, 44 entries
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This is a personal poem! Please tell me what you think about it! Critical Critiques Welcome!!!!!
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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It’s rough when you can see a friend going through so much, yet feeling helpless to do anything about it.
I think most often people aren’t even looking for someone to “help” or offer advice, which is why I believe simply listening is one of the greatest things we can do for someone. But if they’re unable or unwilling to talk...yeah, definitely makes it hard.
Most noticeable to me here, is the rhyme...and lack of it. The first few stanzas don’t rhyme, but the last half of the poem does. I’d suggest making it consistent ~ with one or the other. I think that would improve the flow even more. I don’t think your subject is exactly cliché, but I do notice a lack of power and impact. It can be hard to get those in a poem when it’s so personal. Part of that comes from this basically seeming to be written to one particular person. In general, it left me feeling a bit left out, I think.
As far as the other technical aspects, there are several things I liked. Your metaphor of the open door is unique, and I liked that you bring it back into focus again at the end of the poem. I would have loved to see a title that somehow tied into that, though “Losing You” is very fitting too Also, I’m glad to see the punctuation, which helps control the flow and guide the reader through your thoughts. Since you start every line with a capitol letter, that becomes even more important, so nice job on that too.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck. I hope things have gotten better for all of you since this was written...
Best wishes,
~J.
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great write, i can feel your pain through the poem. hang in there, im looking for the light too and it will come. we can get through thi
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Great poem. Right now I'm like this. I keep cutting myself out from the world. The worst is now my friends are starting to notice that I'm not as open as I used to be. I hope your and your friends make it through these rough times.
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Thank you so much for this wonderful entry. My favourite part was:
Your silence is deafening,
It speaks your every thought.
If you'd just let me help,
Maybe you wouldn't crumble apart.
Just great words and great work.
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Very emotional. A friend of mine and I are going through the 'motions as well and it takes a very talented poet to write all of those feeling onto paper and make it work.
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good job
I really enjoyed your poem... thank you for entering my contest.
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