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You and Me

WITH THE TIME I SAW YOU
DID YOU EVER COME TRUE?
MAKING EVERYTHING SEEM ALRIGHT
I CAN BE IN A FRIGHT

COULD THIS LOVE BE A SUNSHINE?
OR IS IT JUST TIME?
MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER
OR MAYBE ITS JUST LITTLE WEATHER

BELIEVE THE TIME THAT IS FRIGHTENING
AND SEE HOW GOOD I CAN SING
MAKE IT WORK THROUGH THE DAY
AND MAYBE WE CAN STAY THIS WAY

DID OUR LOVE COME REAL?
OR IS IT JUST A REGULAR MEAL?
DOES THIS WORK FOR TIME?
DONT WORRY YOU ARE MINE!





Author notes

did i do it right?

DO YOU THINK THIS POEM IS GOOD?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Mrs LadyEnthralling
    October 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    this is good material but i am going to leave you with this all caps lock means you are screaming at your reader so fixed that because that would be a lot of screaming if you know what i mean other than that this is a marvelous piece


  • horsecowgirl
    October 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i also see that you said you were 10. this is very good for a ten year old! the rhymes are pretty good. they flow with the poem and that's what makes it work. you have lots of writing potential!! keep up the fabulous writing!
    ~horsecowgirl~


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    October 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I see by your profile page you are 10...so I say good for you for giving it a try. It seems this must be a hard form to master, no matter what the age.

    So you ask if you did it right, well you are on the right track. You got the rhyme pattern correct at the end of the lines. You missed the rhyme pattern that comes at the beginning of the lines.

    If you look at the example, notice the first word in the first line rhymes with the first word in the third line...and then the first word in the second line rhymes with the first word in the fourth line.
    love/above....along/belong


    love is sheltered in serenity
    along pathways of divinity
    above the plane of earthly pleasure
    belong the stellar lighted treasure

    The other suggestion I have for you, is maybe not use all capital letters. To be fair, I will have to remove your poem from the contest as this one had strct rules to follow. I've had to remove several others, so don't feel so bad about it. You are welcome to try again, and welcome to enter any of my contests.

    I applaud you for the effort