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Sustain Me

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Would you want me if you knew my secrets?
Would you want me if you knew you would have to hoist the pieces?

There’s always something going wrong.
Sadly I keep hanging on.

My tears cascade like anvils around me.
Angels descend into my forsaken sea.

The desert in my heart is cooled by my shadows.
As I stroll through a tempting razory meadow.

My bones are fractured just like before.
The same as my heart- they heal no more.

Would you help me if I reached for you?
Would you promise me you would be true?

Every time I’ve given my trust I’ve been robbed blind.
I’ve come to expect this from all mankind.

My heart no longer functions like before- it’s been rewired.
The passion I once had has now expired.

I wish I could give you a chance to sustain me
But the result for me could be deadly.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • darkangel-darksoul
    December 20, 2007
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    i like this... good luck and thanks for entering

  • Seeking Peace silver member
    November 8, 2007

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    Such sadness in these words, you do describe the pain well, I am not a fan of rhyme but you pulled this off nicely

    Kaaren


  • TheClimb
    November 7, 2007

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    You and I have a similar view on trust; it's so hard trying to trust people, especially with love because we're afraid that when they find out our deepest secrets that they'll leave or something.


  • oneal
    November 1, 2007

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    This I greatly enjoyed! two lines each stanza great! Awe trust. The last stanza is very powerful.

    "I wish I could give you a chance to sustain me
    But the result for me could be deadly."

    trust creates a open door to be hurt, this true and shown so well in your poem. It also in trusting that we at times find a person who doesn't treat us terribly. I hope that someday someone changes your perception on all mankind.

    Oneal


  • bigpapa
    October 30, 2007

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    A common lament for myself as well as many I'm sure. "Would you help me if I reached for you?", definately got my attention. You translated your pain and emotion well in a short piece. Well done.


  • PerfectImperfection
    October 22, 2007

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    A very deep and emotive piece. Pained and so well expressed. True emotion flows like the river that pours it, so in my thought - the flow is edgy, but within reason. Nicely done!


  • LadyShiva
    October 21, 2007

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    I really like this piece. I like the word usage, it really brings the meaning home for me. I think the flow is great in some areas and could use a little bit of work in other areas, over all it's a great read that I know, I can relate to and probably so can others.


  • Poetic Tasha Moderators member
    October 21, 2007

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    Congrats on the Trophy

    Although I am not much for rhyme....i quite enjoyed this write. As the others stated, the word usage gave much depth & feeling to the poem.

    I do feel that the flow is a little off in some places, maybe just a matter of adjusting to have a more similar syllable count with each coupling...

    Would you want me if you knew my secrets?
    If you knew you would have to hoist the pieces?

    Over all excellent piece. Another congrats on being poem of the day .

    Tasha


  • Marctheman
    October 21, 2007

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    Reading this poem take me back to some past relationship, where she can not let herself come to me because of what had happen to her before i come alone, i used to get frustrated, because i know what my intentions were, but i come to understand how scary that could be after one has a broken heart, so i can relate to this poem, great write.


  • seamaiden
    October 21, 2007

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    Congratulations on the bronze trophy you got for this. It is filled with sadness and weighs heavy on my heart. I feel a sense of giving up here and that is not you. I have to agree with the others about that second line. The rest to me flowed smoothly and was filled with vivid images. I can't say your passion has expired when I see words like this coming from your pen. Thank you for sharing. seamaiden ♥


  • Denierim
    October 21, 2007

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    At the very beginning I'd start that this was a very deep poem when it came to emotions. I love poems filled with feelings and this poem truly was effective in that part. However, the flow in the overall poem seemed to have some trouble. Even though the words were beautifully selected and grafted (I simply love the wording you used on this piece!) it felt a bit awkward time to time to read this when you didn't get a good rhythm in it. But, even though this poem could still need some work, your words amaze me with their power and depth. Beautiful, beautiful job with this; I like it a lot!

  • lyrebird gold member
    October 21, 2007

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    first off, let me say congratulations on the bronze trophy

    but anyway, i quite liked this poem. i also agree with SpydurPoet's opinion about the whole 'hoist' thing, but i loved the first line.

    "There’s always something going wrong.
    Sadly I keep hanging on."

    The rhythm of the above two lines jarred inside my head when I was reading, I would add another word so that both lines have eight syllables. That's just my opinion though.

    DangerousCereal said my two favourite lines, so my second favourite lines were:
    "My bones are fractured just like before.
    The same as my heart- they heal no more."

    Write on.
    - Jojo


    • malevolent
      October 23, 2007
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      Thank you so much for your comment and making it poem of the day! Talk about a boost of self esteem!!!! I really appreciate it!


  • PainfulReminiscence
    October 21, 2007

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    wow. i rly enjoyed reading this. i see visuals behind every line and can feel the emotion or behind the words. well done!


  • DangerousCereal
    October 21, 2007

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    WOW-O

    I really think you did a great job!! Congrats on the bronze on this one!! I have to agree with SpydurPoet on this though, I also did not care for 'hoist' , but you totally redeemed yourself with "My tears cascade like anvils around me.
    Angels descend into my forsaken sea." and again with "My heart no longer functions like before- it’s been rewired.
    The passion I once had has now expired." Awesome wirte!!


  • SpydurPoet gold member
    October 20, 2007

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    Okay. This is going to be a little in depth. The second line completely threw me because hoist is not a very poetic word. The first thing that went through my mind was wow, she couldn't find a better word? But by 6th line, I was completely amazing. The word choice that you used was highly effective in doing just that - jarring the reader. The words did a great job of punching the reader at the right time to let them know that this feeling, this emotion that you wrote about - it is anything but graceful.
    In the end, I ended up regretting my initial impression, and this is fantastic poem.
    I am going to post this as Todays Poem for October 21,2007 - you should see it as the listed around 12am CST.
    Comgratulations on your bronze.
    Write on.
    ~*~SP~*~


  • Uniquely-Scarred
    October 18, 2007
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    my tears cascade like anvils.... wonderful love this pome congrats on bronze my freind (:


  • sora.
    October 18, 2007

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    "I wish I could give you a chance to sustain me
    But the result for me could be deadly."

    so fucking true.
    amazing.

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    October 16, 2007

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    This is an amazing piece.I like it alot and I can realte to it thank you for sharing and entering the contest.Best wishes and much love


  • Ange Fonce D Ombre
    October 12, 2007

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    Very melancholic piece you've written here. Such a yearning to be accepted. The rhyming is not forced in any way. The flow is flawless. Wonderfully written. Well done!

    Just something that I came up with as I was reading your piece:

    Would you reach out when I call
    Would you help me if I fall
    And when the world ever shuts me out
    Would you let me in without a doubt

    • malevolent
      October 15, 2007

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      I love that. It fits right in. Were you in my head too? But you have amazing talent so I whouldn't expect any less. Thank you so much for your kind words!

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