Why wrap your glassy eyes in those black tents of shame
from the moon god’s prophet ... of fear, disgrace and blame?
Much of male brutality stems from insecurity
about the size of our ‘weenie’, ending in misogyny.
So ... sisters of Babil, rip them off, sing and dance
for this empty desert, that needs your sultry trance.
Those open tattooed hands and windows of your soul
ring the bell from a past when we were much more whole,
before thick chains of abuse spread you for the lawman’s noose.
As if hands and eyes in use, can not just as well seduce.
But lilies and sparrows … all creatures great and small
fill our hearts with pleasures in tune with nature’s call.
Let’s dance in windy storms beneath our moonlit skies,
as lights of providence who laugh at grownup’s lies.
From the day that you were born in tenderness to transform
all creation you adorn with delightful maiden form.
No doubt from time to time, we’ll get some muddy feet.
But better are some tears than living without wheat.
Sing in oceans' voices of misty siren calls
even though rocks abound inside real moral walls.
Feminine authority is lost to indignity
when macho insanity ends in gross legality.
Needing admiration is not vain arrogance.
Rather it’s a hunger that makes a lot of sense.
Rip off your abaiyahs my sisters of the ‘book’.
Yes, it is very true. We’ll take a second look.
In stirring up emotion that causes some commotion
we might just find some notion of natural devotion.
Decency and order certainly have their place.
But not at the expense … of the wonder of your grace.
Author notes
An abaiyah (or abaya) is the standard dress for Islamic women: opaque, black, loose and covering everything but the face and hands (they often decorate their hands with tattoos). For more info on this garment see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abaya
A contest entry
- RHYMED POEMS ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT ... by ecrivain01.
1150 points, ended October 27, 2007, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 73 of 73
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really loved this, hearing a male view that is so open and admiring of your 'sisters'in a beautiful and respectfull way, totally appreciated the humorous reality bits too!Thought the last stanza was an especially well put together piece and expressed honestly and beautifully.Sorry for saying beautiful twice!
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This is astounding. The flow is perfect, and you didn’t need to stretch anything to fit the rhyming. I understand there are different cultures, but one that represses a group, and violently, cannot be right. Beautiful work.
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This is brings up a very valid point...in some societites, this may be custom, but to the rest of us, this seems quite appalling. Thank you so much for sharing!
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Astounding
First of all, the rhyme was impecable, second, you managed something a lot of people fall sort of. You wrote about something on higher stage than your own life, that is a hard to find ability, so I say, congratulations.
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I am from Singapore where we have many different religions, so I'm not going to bash Islam. But I think this poem flows and has a nice meaning, and shows that you can be devoted to God without having to be abused and covered in dress to not even show a bit of skin. Again, enthralling poem.
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There are some points of this I agree and some I don't. But it's hard to know what another culture is like until you live. Some coustoms may seem strange to us and vice verse but I believe it all comes down to respect for each other difference, both in culture and religion.
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I don't agree with you at all my friend on this, you are mixing up two things here..RELIGION and CULTURE, plus who are you to tell us to RIP OFF OUR ABAYAS? iT IS ASHAME TO SEE 51 years old with very narrow look to other cultures and religions..If you live somewhere you should respect their culture. When you go to where you come from, do what you want.Sorry but your poem put down the ARAB WOMEN in general..you don't know anything YET!
AJ
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Truely I do not understand your religion. You offer a small insight in your write. Very well written by the way. Without knowledge I will not judge, I do apppeciate good work, well done.
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Every culture haves their beliefs and it dosnt matter what faith you are to me Its good we all worship someone i guess
this is my favorite stanza
Sing in ocean’s voices of misty siren calls
even though rocks abound inside real moral walls.
Feminine authority is lost to indignity
when macho insanity ends in gross legality.
Needing admiration is not vain arrogance.
Rather it’s a hunger that makes a lot of sense
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I suppose they're quins, they all look alike and the way we read this is serious enough to tell us that here we have a poem which states subtly how much freedom is lost.
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I would have to say that I am thankful that I have a voice to own opinion of my life. I respect that every culture is different and how they view ones life man or woman. You do offer an insite as to how women may feel that have to cover them selves in this manner. Religion is a topic that we all could argue about until we are blue in the face, respect all I enjoyed the write, thank you for sharing.
Jen -
Very great writing!Also complicated use of words I like.Women imprisoned by so called men.I have add you to my favorites.Good luck with the contest!
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There are two sides to every story and I think westerners will reflect on these lines and many will agree with them. Then the other side of the world will read and maybe disagree. All depends what yuo are used to and what values you grew up with. Women are equal here, and to be covered up to me does not make them equal. Men abuse women everywhere, but to me this is just another form of pushing women as low as they can go. Not even giving them an individual identity is not respecting them at all.
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appalling
what the heck is "moon God" ?
I'm a Muslim woman and there is one God that I worship , He is the same God that christians worship and I hate to see this ignorance about my religion.
as for abaya : first ,it's a cultural thing. You see, there are muslim women in America but they don't wear Abaya .I don't understand why do you call for taking off the Abaya? you hardly see Arabs calling for american naked women on the beach to cover themselves!
Muslim women don't see Abaya as an abuse . You look at it from your point of view . You don't have a clue about how these women feel. If you want to write a piece on Arabs or Muslims you have to know much about their mentality .
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I don't believe I've ever read something that made me look deep into the world and other cultures. The way you delivered the 4th stanza was abs0lutely breathtaking.
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An extremely moving work. Not just poetry of words but of thought, expressing that desire to allow freedom. Beautiful note also.
Jim
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opened my eyes to another world! great write ur author notes were real helpfull 2
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such a celebration of life and such a protest of one of man's many pettinesses. very well done. Your spirit is broad and full of graces.
Peace & Love, Tom B.
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This is an important message and told very well in these descriptive phrases. The last lines are lovely, "Decency and order certainly have their place.
But not at the expense … of the wonder of your grace." Thank you for sharing this excellent piece.
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this is VERY good! i love how you take on the role of the dominant male in Islamic society. Women are NOT meant to be covered and hidden away! We are meant to be seen! C: it's also impressive how you pen such beautiful lines about such a serious topic. great job!
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I think it is a very very good write. It takes a lot of talent to pull off such a serious topic and put it in verse.
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I think this is a very talented piece of writing, you get your point across very well. You show imense talent here, honestly you do. Alot of images here, which i thougherly enjoyed reading,very well writen, take care and never stop writing xoxox
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From an analytical point of view: I don't really think you needed to explain yourself that much in the notes to quite appreciate the poem for what it is. Although I do see it's need for the contest and readers unfamiliar.
You've packed quite a punch in lines that weren't overly verbose at all. It takes talent to pull that off, especially when using rhyme or meter or any kind of confining form (liberating in some views).
I would like to say there was quite a lot of images going on but at the same time they were consistent if not well blended.
From a personal perspective:
I have mixed feelings about this to be honest. I am American Lebanese - lived in the middle east for a good solid 5 years in my short life, but my heritage is pretty crude too and personally don't affiliate with many Arabs for reasons best left undebated.
I myself no longer wear the veil as I had for most of my short life (or the abaya in the couple of years spent in Riyadh) for similar reasons. However I do believe that confining the abaya to a definition as form of prison, rather than explaining that it was a robe of dignity and it's meaning/symbolism/use has been manipulated whether intentional or unintentional is rather... sad I guess is the word that comes to mind.
I made a very clear mental note of your lines;
"ring the bell from a past when we were much more whole,
before thick chains of abuse spread you for the lawman’s noose."
...however, you were not short in elaborating in detail your meaning, so perhaps such a clarification isn't out of order.
On a final note, I hope my rambelings in a morning too early for me didn't taint this. Overall I feel like you did an outstanding job.
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We disagree on the 'robe of dignity' meaning ...
What a wonderful comment! Of over 100 readers, you are the first one to comment with real life experience wearing the veil. Imokon, as I try with all my might to submit to your authority on this; my heart still says that the abaiyah is a form or spiritual abuse. The poem is from my heart. I'm sure a lot of very convincing intellectual arguments can be made for your position. Some can be made for polygamy too. But, I have to follow my heart here ... at least in my poetry. In the external world ... I have to be tolerant. Thanks for your encouragement about my poem. Your comment didn't taint anything. It was rich, thoughtful and honest. Love, Sultan -
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But we agree that in the end...
Following your heart is the best thing you could do for yourself.
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interesting. The notes were helpful in clearing up a few areas I didn't understand. I think the sentiment behind the write is worthy, abayahs seem a degradation to me..though I will admit to not completely understanding the cultural pressures.
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This is absolutely tragic! Hiding away! It is just as good as saying looking at the rainbow will cause bad eyesight... Yes I can understand that society have forced this by their evil actions, but even so. How can you hide the beauty from the world. Really sad!
Lovely poetry you have here!!!
You deserve a win here!! You surely have my vote!!
All the best, and Good Luck with the [world without religion] contest!
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Smooth write and smooth to read. You really know the subject well. Rhyme is expertly set out and doesn't seem forced at all. Ii could suggest that there are few comma's missing here and there, full stops instead of semi colons and the like, but not many. Nevertheless is quite magic.
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amazing
I've lived in saudi all my life and i applaud this man, really well done, but to me, it should have been focused the men...but its still amazing man, well done
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fantastic
Very well put together, just....awesome!
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You have very nice rhythm here. It is entrancing alone with your rhymes and your words in general
Great job.
What a piece of art you have here. It feels as if you have a passion for this, you know what you are talking about and you know what you want to include such as the references of bits and things....
Amazing
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Wow, just... wow.
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An awesome poem.
The moon good references, hijab, shari'a, etc. are a breath of fresh air for me on AP. To see these things mentioned is an absolute joy to me as I have spent a small deal of time studying Islam, the Middle East, etc.
I can't believe the ignorance of some of the people below me. A refreshing Middle Eastern perspective greeted with what is basically jingoism and contempt...unfathomable. But it is typical Americanism...attack everything which is foreign to you, etc.
I loved the message, I loved the references to Islam, and the appeal to the ummah. Thank you for this piece.
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A wonderful poem and thank you for the explanations given.
The poem is well set and crafted and shows a warm touch and a lot of feelings and desire
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Over all, good write. I don't know if this really represents 'the world without religion' though, for me at least. Your poem seems as though it would fit more in a contest about a world without oppressing women. But your piece was still well written. Perhaps don't say weenie, it kind of cheapens the piece and distracts the reader. Your message is a powerful one; you shouldn't take attention from it.
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I disagree.
The application of Islam, and indeed the application of many religions, (including Christianity and Judaeism) tend to leave women in an inferior, subordinate, and insecure position.
A world without religion would certainly see much less oppression of women. -
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A shame?
Tetris I must say, I tottally disagree with every word you typed above. religion is a woman's guide.
Sultan you have fairly described the meaning of an abaya in a wrong manner. An abaya is part of the gulf countries CULTURE.. leave religion out please. Religion never said wear a 3abaya.. religion said cover up , and save your self from the nasty, hungry looks of sick men. I could further more get you proof that what I said is true. For every one up there who commented , i repeat a abaya is part of culture, not religion.. islam , christianity , and many other religions head for so much more, and mean so much more than just what is on the out side.. that is the last thing to be seen, and looked at (How you look like or the way you dress)
A veil is part of religion, An abaya is part of culture.
religion emphasised that women are respected, treated with dignity. Religion provides basis of security , Not just for woman. For every person who believes as well.
Piece of advise : Never judge, or speak of, with out knowing.
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Weenie stays ... (smile)
Dear Catalyst, thanks so much for your comment, but I'm keeping the 'weenie' word because: I believe that the kind of spiritual abuse we're facing here is from overblown masculine constructs (dogma) originating from deep male insecurity (Freud). I want to draw attention to it ... imprint it ... and keep it …in the reader's mind. I also like the word because of it’s other meanings … nerd, wimp, etc.
As far as the prompt goes, ‘marrow’ gave us some latitude to … “take it where you.” I think this is a religious issue, not a secular one regarding women’s rights. I believe it’s at the heart of the problem in the culture where I’ve lived for decades; and I tried to illustrate what things might be like without the ‘problem’ as well as I’m able.
Again, thanks for your comment. Warm regards, Sultan
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Perfect
This piece is perfect, I love the flow I love the feeling you get when reading this. You are absolutely amazing. It's like you get yourself and you get her too. Amazing piece well done.
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Wholeness...
I don't think any man really finds fulfillment, apart from some special and uncommon gift that I only have some vague notion about, without a fulfilled wife. Abusing other people (male or female) doesn't satisfy ... win, lose or draw. Thanks for your comment. Love, Sultan
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I can telol you took sometime crafting this wonderful piece of art, you kind of tell a story but with so much imagery I could almost be there,
You talk about something not many actually think about, thanks for sharing.
lexy xxxx
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i thought this was very powerful. very beautifully written and full of vivid imagery. my favorite line however was the last line, "But not at the expense … of the wonder of your grace."
i would be inclined to agree with you that these institutions are not healthy for women. when religion becomes dogmatic everyone does suffer to an extent and of course one party more than any other.
nice work -
I don't quite understand this line:
before thick chains of abuse spread you for the lawman’s noose.
It makes sense up to spread you for, but then I don't get how spreading applies to being hanged.
Anyway, I stand corrected on the Abaya. I like parts of this poem, but I feel that your rhyme scheme led you to go to some shady places. It doesn't help that you tried to do multisyllabic rhymes sometimes in your l3+l4. 'weenie' is a mismatch because the 'ity' in insecurity, brutality, and misogyny is a unstress-stress, and weenie is a stress-unstress. A slant rhyme probably would have worked better. Overall, the tone is an unexpected one for the subject, so that was perhaps offputting initially. In the end, I don't feel I have the moral authority to choose to agree or not agree with the sentiment of your poem, so I can only focus on the poetics.
Have you ever seen the films of Majid Majidi? I recommend them if you haven't -
my fave lines
ose open tattooed hands and windows of your soul
ring the bell from a past when we were much more whole,
before thick chains of abuse spread you for the lawman’s noose.
As if hands and eyes in use, can not just as well seduce.
But lilies and sparrows … all creatures great and small
fill our hearts with pleasures in tune with nature’s call.
lovely imagery and keep on writing!!!
i loved it! -
Wonderful words of wisdom and well said. The first stanza made me want to laugh and cry at the same time, oh so true! Women suffering for the insecurities of the man. What a travesty! You seem to be extremely educated on this subject. I little wordy for my tastes, IMO but informative and a note of hopefulness for this tragedy.
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Finally ...
a poem that actually says something important. Good job on this.
I think your author's notes are well done too, since people who are not Moslems don't necessarily know about the subject you are writing about.
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Great imagery you used with this piece. You went deep with this subject and showed us what it's truly like to live a life like that. I kind of liked the way you described the stanzas in the author's notes, but they're not necessary, I believe, as the poem itself portrayes the meanings well. There were parts here and there that were a bit tough to read (for me, that is) but other than that I quite like this piece. Good work!
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whats a weenie. I'm quite new with this word.
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Merriam Webster On-Line
wee•nie
Pronunciation: wē-nē
Function: noun
1: frankfurter
2: slang for penis
3: nerd
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This is such a powerful piece and managed without the anger that so often portrays western attitude towards the extension of the veil. Beautifully done. I think though that the author notes are not really necessary as the meaning is quite clear in the poem. Thank you for sharing this.
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A POWERFUL PIECE
beautifully written thank you for sharing it and good luck in the contest
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I don't see Abaiyah on wikipedia, nor does it yield a result in google image search. I seem to recognize the 'moon god' assertion from fundamental christian spew. Your poem is not particularly good, as far as I can tell, so I have to conclude that you're relying on the ignorance and complacence of your audience to a great extent, and that you really don't have much going on here.
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Hijab Al-Muminat: Islamic Clothing for Believing Women
Thanks for the comment … I guess. Here’s a link of an on-line store that sells abaiyahs for the women in your life. They spell the word ‘abaya’. Arabic has a different alphabet from English … so there might be other English spellings as well. Good news … this store is running a special now $48.99 … down from $54.99; and, they will ship anywhere. Why don’t you force them to wear these things and then let me know if there is, “really much going on here.”
http://www.al-muminat.com/organza-trimmed-shoulder-close-abaya-with-hijab-p-273.html
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Excellent
I love your poem!!! It is a strong social commentary on the oppression that women face in the Middle East. I love the way you've ended the poem. Your regular rhyme and rhythm show a self control and thought that is not in excess. Rather, you have chosen to use words of beauty and confined them in a well built order to emphsize the effect of those words. Well done, an effective poem. It reminds me of the Arabian nights and stars on the sahara, and it reads very much like a folk song and a mystical story while carrying tones of social comment as well.
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rip them off, sing and dance
wow big image when i read this line,
but the whole poem was wounderful, i really liked it great job, best of luck to you in the contest love lots..xxxx -
Overall, good review.
Since the piece has an overall serious tone and demeanor, I think 'weenie' might detract from the overall mood you're trying to set. Manhood, perhaps? You lose a little bit of internal rhyme, mm, I don't know, your choice on that.
The lines:
No doubt from time to time, we’ll get some muddy feet.
But better are some tears than living without wheat.
sound like a forced rhyme. You need something to rhyme with feet, but rice, corn, don't work, so wheat?? Perhaps these lines equate to something culturally Iraqi better than they do English?
No doubt from time to time, we’ll get some muddy feet.
But better are some tears than living in the street.
I don't know, does this have more connectivity with shedding burkas than living without wheat? I think so, but if you don't like it no prob!
The last stanza with emotion, commotion, motion and devotion may be a little over the top as well. We had a serious poem going here and now we're busting out in a little dance number. The words are the right words meaningwise, but sound a little too jazzed up for the rest of the piece.
Overall, as I said, I like it very much and if you didn't change a thing you'd still have a strong piece of poetry as many people have already noted.
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Thanks so much ...
I just can't change the 'weenie' line. I'm making fun of us men here. As far as 'wheat' ... I agree that your lines sound better. But I need a positive mataphor here like 'meat' or 'wheat' here. 'Wheat’ is a metaphor for success and prosperity in life. If I used your lines ... I'd reverse the whole meaning of the stanza 180 degrees. But, I added an author note. As far as the 'dance' at the end ... I wanted that too. But, ok ... it was over the top. So I toned it down by changing 'motion' to 'notion'. Your critique was very helpful. Thanks. Sultan
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Very surprisingly.... I LOVED this. I really wasn't expecting to for reasons I won't say... but you totally proved me wrong and blew me away.
I always wanna tell these women to take all that shit off... (no offense) It's just when a woman is COMPLETELY covered in a black outfit, head to toe in the middle of summer! It's like... ??????? And this was just an awesome entry thank you and good luck.
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I enjoyed mostly the "foreign feel" of this to me [merely meaning that unfortunately I am very un-informed about not only traditions , but also laws re women of the East. Your foot notes always enlighten me as much as your writings do.
secondly, I also like the sort of "rebellious tone" of it...a chant of freedom and being unencumbered , simply following natural passion "windy storms beneath moonlit skies and ocean voices of misty siren calls" paint a vision of such freedom.
your writings take me back to some of the things I read as a child in stories of the far East [a land and its people that unfortunately will always remain so far away for me I believe], but who knows...maybe one of these days eh?
so you keep writing in that voice that seems uniquely yours and I will keep reading as often as I can
z
reenie
PS. assuming the hands are henna painted? Just had a henna tatoo put on my wrist last Sunday at a Renaissance festival...I know a wench and a henna tatoo do not go together
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I really like this write. I think you done an amazeing job, and the words used in this brought it all together perfectly. Very well done, you always to your best in what you write. Keep up the great work.
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You never cease to amaze me. Every time I start one of your pieces, I know I'm starting a true work of art, and I am always satisfied when I am done reading. I love the feeling of taboo this inspires, the rebellion, the freedom from these abaiyahs and the bonds they put emotionally on those who wear them. Even though they are being removed in this piece, is still has such a sense of mystery. It's not often I get the chance to read about things like this, but with this piece, I do not only read about it, I experience it. EXTREMELY well done!!!
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I will come back to this
glad to have fallen on i -
this is a lovely and beautiful piece thanks for sharing it with everyone
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beautiful cleansing holy words...
what a RICH poem to reward us with women with, to speak
such holy truths from a tender and generous male heart!
Beautiful job! WE should read this to all our daughters,
and sons.
wise heart you write with!!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen
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Inimitably insightful !
This poem is full of such wisdom and evocative imagery ( empty desert, thick chains,moonlit skies, ocean's voices,& more). The beginning is unrelenting and tough; a religion that damages, and the resulting male insecurities...that damage in turn. uh oh! But where do you go from there? To beauty and compassion, mostly. empty desert...soul's tree trance--without love, all types, beginning with that initial attraction between a man and a woman that starts all the others...life would indeed be empty. Understanding:We were meant to enjoy the beauty of life all around us-all creatures great and small...blocking out the woman by the abaiyah--why?Admiration: ( I love this line) From the day you were born...maiden form. Realism: choose muddy feet, or life without wheat?
Perception again: man loses female's gifts, when he chooses to subdue them...Compassion: validating the female need for admiration...
Wisdom:admitting that there will always be struggles to have relationships good order. I love the calling forth of women to sing and dance, to bring delight and joy...It is a high but lovely calling, and we are well prepared for it, when we feel so appreciated...for the wonder of our grace. Thank you for such a remarkable and powerful piece that helps us better understand ourselves, men and women, not just those so trapped and trodden on.
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My heart just stopped!
My weenie feels a lot bigger after getting your comment (big smile). Really, thanks so much for the thoughtful read and your gracious comment. I’m thinking that most westerners can’t really relate very well to this piece because of the cultural context. Unless a woman is actually forced to wear one of these dreadful things, it might be difficult to identify with the ‘problem’. Thank you for seeing past that. Love, Sultan.
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very nice!
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one had to read of course from the title nicely done with a feminine flow .... interestingly in your authors notes - allah = moon god ... where in other cultures the moon is depicted as the sacred feminine
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Happy Eid
Today is the Sunni Eid ... celebrating the end of the public Ramadan fast. Tomorrow is the Shia Eid. Thanks for your comment.
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You pen such soulful pieces. You have a self deprecating style about you. Not many mysogynists will join your camp but as a woman I enjoy your work. Another excellent write, sir... Ithica (P.S. Awesome subject matter for the prompt, good luck in the contest)
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I think that's what I care about ...
As long as a few amazing women like my work ... that's enough for me (impious smile). Love, Sultan.
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I think misogyny used to be rampant...I don't think it's gone away...just started walking more quietly while still trespassing. Unfortunately...the well hung are really the worst. Give a man like 9 inches...and he takes over the roost...give him one and he takes over the world. I wonder if there's a relationship between pacific ism and dick size. Maybe it's only height. Whatever it is we got to get the jerks sorted out and off our stick.
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neurosine
AMEN(!!!!!)
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