sea turtle
gulps fleeing bunnies-
cloud watching
original:
sea turtle
gulps fleeing bunnies-
cloud picture
or- for those who prefer 5/7/5:
giant sea turtle
gulps bunnies as they scurry-
picture in the clouds
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop-Fragments and Phrase by azure85.
790 points, ended October 16, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Thank you for your entry into our workshop.
sea turtle
gulps fleeing bunnies-
cloud watching
original:
sea turtle
gulps fleeing bunnies-
cloud picture
or- for those who prefer 5/7/5:
giant sea turtle
gulps bunnies as they scurry-
picture in the clouds
I like the way you are biulding your haiku by constantly inproving and revising. I agree with adrews comment but you have to watch how you word the cloud watching. Is there a way taht you can get the same sense images across without using two ing words? -
I do like this but feel L3 could be stronger, as a cloud picture is an interpretation, the poet is already standing in beside the image, so how about using the act 'watching clouds'? If placed as L1 this would smooth the piece out in my view. Just thinking out loud, you have a good idea here.
Good luck in the contest,
Andrew -
Welcome to our haiku workshop:
You have two versions, very cool.
sea turtle
gulps fleeing bunnies-
cloud picture
I think this is a good haiku, and I like the cloud images! A great AHA moment in L3. Thank you so much for your haiku!
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