People moved less
when the world
was still flat,
knowing that
it takes more to
run across a plane
than to slide down an arc.
They spoke up and down
because the land
only went in one direction,
and even the sky
was lower, until
the aurora borealis
snagged on mountain peaks
and left silk threads
on the rivers by morning.
When people were smaller
they didn’t need
cement sidewalks
or skylines to
anchor themselves down
because cows
in green meadows
and flat feet
were enough.
Author notes
I acknowledge that this is rough. Please critique the rust out of it and help me make it better.
Originally, this had a final stanza:
Things that rolled
were in the minority,
things that towered
were to be feared,
and things that glowed
were close enough to see
but too far for round heads
to ever reach.
I finally decided I wasn't lovin' it, so it's been axed. You can still tell me what you think about it if you'd like, though. Cheers!
A contest entry
- One word prompt for free verse by FindingFaith.
300 points, ended October 13, 2007, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is still a baby - please help me teach it to walk.
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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An excellent poem! The theme is intriguing, and the imagery used was engrossing. Sort of a "I-wish-it-were-so nostalgia", eh?
However, I would prefer the inclusion of the final stanza, as I believe it is a fine piece of poetry. -
I knew I had already commented this. Gosh it's been awhile but I see myself down there. Good poetry has a way of staying with you. Hey now that I mention it this was actually written for one of my old contest and won...lol. Anyhow I really enjoyed it again and wish you the best.
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I agree, you don't need the third stanza, the piece is good as is...I thought, at least, that it added a sort of finality to it, which rounded off the piece nicely.
wouldn't life be good if it was just that simple again?
Good write!
Cheers!
S -
I enjoyed reading this. I also like the final stanza but it could be kept for something else.
Usually I just sort of think "what?" with free verse, but this I get.I was brought up with the oldy worldy way of writing poetry rhyming etc.
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i to wish life were as simple as it used to be, long ago. lovely piece.
♥♥ -
Forget the final stanza, this is wonderful as it stands! Original, uncomplicated, the third stanza is just beautiful
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A very well written piece, strong intent and great message behind it. A few things that my mind tells me might be improved, at least in my opinion.
Line 14 might be rephrase to "caught on mountain peaks"...the "k" sound in caught gives the line some symmetry and strength that I feel is lacking as it is now. Well phrased either way though.
Line 16 feels a bit off, and seems to want one more word. Perhaps "drifting" or something of that sort at the beginning of the line.
18 has a similar problem, the word "and" at the beginning would fix it.
As for the final stanza, I must say your original in the author's notes seems a bit more fitting. The reference to cows loses some of the regality and introspective feel. (Perhaps changing it to something like horses would help. Your original final stanza is excellent though, but I believe the first line could be re-written to make it better fit the rest of the piece. "Things of metal" would fit better, I think.
As always is the case, all of my critiques and suggestions are completely my own opinion. Take them as you will. This poem was truly a joy to read and analyze, again, very well done!
-Thefallout
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Excellent comments and even better suggestions! Thanks for taking the time to leave some helpful critiques behind! I really do appreciate it.
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This is so true, men aren't likely to search for something they think they know to be true. If the world is flat why go searching for the worlds biggest waterfall and fall off it, never to tell the tale?
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Liked the flow of these lines and the images the words create. Easy to read and understand how life changes, sometimes not for the better. Those old anchors hold us back, and we wish we could return to those days, even though we are where we are now. Liked the brevity of the lines and the message you share.
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Oh I really enjoyed it. It was good taking out the fences part. I love the new ending much better as well. Nicely done.
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I really do like this write. My only stumble was here...
When people were smaller
they didn’t need
cement sidewalks or
electric fences
or skylines
to anchor themselves down
The repeating or's stop me up. Perhaps...
When people were smaller
they didn't need
cement sidewalks,
electric fences
or skylines
to anchor themselves down.
Just a suggestion.
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I was actually having trouble with those pesky or's lol. You'll notice one is at the end of the line and the other is at the beginning of a line...they were just giving me all kinds of trouble. I'm actually considering changing the end of this entirely, getting rid of the last stanza and adding a final line after the green meadows. Should I wait until your contest is over?
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This is very interesting. Yes, the way the world changes is interesting and things we think then may not be what they are now.
I like the description of the aurora borealis.
The one thing I think could be changed would be your line breaks. I am not a free verse writer, but I am sure there is a better way to arrange it so that the lines might seem to flow more smoothly from one to the next? -
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Yes, the line breaks...lately all of my poems have been big blocks, so I thought I'd try line breaks. I'm still not sure how I feel about them lol. Anyways, thanks for your comments!
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Not in the critique mode right now. I enjoyed it as is. I will try to go more in depth later. Just tired. Thanks for a great entry.
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Hehe, I understand. It's been a long week for me, so I know what it's like to be too tired to be coherent.
Nice contest idea, by the way.
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