Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Waning

A time came when the sky could no longer
withstand the suffering of summer.
It rained wretchedly all day, weeping
silently into the dry, dry ground.
It took lightning to its wrists, and
the bitter waters of the rivers gushed
over the sides of the banks, ending
more lives than they gave.

I walked home that autumn afternoon,
obliviously sheltered from the storm and
heedless of the sodden red leaves that
dripped from the trees, like blood, in my wake.

Author notes

Yes, this is about change. Very obviously about change. No, I'm not suicidal.

I'm not too happy with the title, but whatever.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • katie-jo
    December 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Very dark. I'm not a fan of dark stuff, but as far as describing change it redeems itself.

    Well done.

    Thank you for entering and all the best in the contest.

    Happy New Year!
    ~katiebird


  • leslielovesthomas
    October 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is dark and I like it!! Great job! Good luck

    Leslie


  • KitCatMnM
    October 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "The sky's committing suicide!"
    thanks for explaining this one to me, too, love.
    the four line conclusion is *amazing*.


  • lee-sharp
    October 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    dark. stormy. and done right.

    -does lightning have an e?
    -i think the piece would work better broken into three, four line stanzas. the eight and four thing seems a little odd to me, especially since there is a natural break there.
    -the it in line 3 and the it in line 5 make the piece a little repetive at first. and not in a way that builds it up.


    this piece was really good. one of the better dark pieces ive read in a while. good luck in the contest.


    • Quixotically Yours
      October 14, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I've been meaning to check that "e" I randomly threw in lightning. I don't think it exists, but I've been too lazy to change it.

      I didn't do the 8 and 4 thing on purpose, but looking over it right now, I'm not sure if I'm too fond of adding an extra break...but maybe it would solve that repetition problem. I really, really didn't want to add gender into this mix, hence the "its."

      I'll look into those improvements. Thanks for the critique.


  • DrunktankLullaby
    October 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WHOAA. This hit me pretty hard. The image was beautiful, word choice was perfect, and oh my dear lord your extended metaphor is shockingly talent-soaked. This piece makes me want to read everything else you've ever written, because it's just that powerful and intense. Well done, to say the least. And best of luck in the contest!!


  • Touchof1der silver member
    October 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Your vocabulary selection is simple yet when woven together as you have them here they are anything but simple. They are beautiful and divine. Best wishes to you and keep that pen handy dear poet.
    ♥ Touchof1der


  • Spiritual Nature
    October 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You are an awesome writer! You drew me in and nearly brought me to tears. Your words reach so deep within me that I am....just in awe. Keep weaving your craft, my friend. Blessings, D.

  • Judith Chandler
    October 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Imagery

    I like the way you maintain the central image of the first stanza and then make the second stanza more personal

1 - 9 of 9