I was a fish once,
swimming
wet somewhere in the
middle latitudes
with gills like
pregnant slugs.
The nine tides
loved me roundly
like sea biscuits,
and I rolled through
salty waters while
the moon held constant.
It wasn’t until
the sun rose red
that I began to surface,
drinking in
the new air like
a fragile baby orca,
timid in the
novel knowledge
that I could no longer
swim.
Author notes
A tale of birth
Yes, this is about being born. In a very metaphorical sense. Please critique honestly, and if you think it's too vague I won't mind you saying so. My poetry always makes sense to me because I made it, but that doesn't mean others can get it.
A contest entry
- 3396 Total Points to be awarded: Rounds contest!!!! Final gold winner 1500 points!!!!Round Three, final round!!! by opaqueangel.
1500 points, ended October 18, 2007, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~ 1st Round ~ of 5 Rounds ~ Anything goes 1st Round - 30 or 40 entries will advance to round 2 - Time is running out~ HURRY! by Florida Sunshine.
450 points, ended October 28, 2007, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For the love of god CONFUSE ME by h202.
450 points, ended February 10, 2008, 63 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is still a baby - please help me teach it to walk.
Comments
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Slug under Still Moon...
Slugs have gills? Never knew that. Are you pulling my tail?? Pre-rotating Earth...I like it! You mean, the earth didn't always rotate?? How do you KNOW all of these things? You must be a genus! Excuse the pun. How does the orca-like creature, presumably with fins, rise to the surface to breath, yet, not know how to swim? Did it forget how to swim AFTER it swam to the surface, or did the swimming fins fall off, and legs sprouted out like some animalistic version of a James Bond car?? I'm curious to know the thinking behind that. Maybe that reasoning is a bit flawed, and for me, it wrecks the ending. I like the slugs and steady moons on the still earth, though. If you love animals, and evolution, check out "Animals on Parade" my newest song at www.nakedadam.net -
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*laughs* I guess this just proves how vaguely metaphoral this piece is. The gills are LIKE pregnant slugs - no slugs don't have gills.
This piece is actually about pregnancy, from the baby's point of view - so when the moon held still, it's a reference to the way the mother's hormones hold steady for 9 months. The surfacing at the end and no longer being able to swim is being born, moving from the liquid womb into the air. 
Thanks for your comments - I will check out your song! (And yes, I do love both animals and evolution *laughs*).
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Beautiful imagery! It reads like a story, so much said with such depth in very few lines. This reads much bigger than it is...Well Done!
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Amazing
This poem is exceptional. It is wonderfully written and the flow is exceptional. It also has great metaphors and the line breaks provide *perfect* emphases to each meaning. After reading it three times I can't find anything that I would change about this work. I wish you luck in the contest and keep on writing!
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wow, the metaaphors in here are amazing. You wrote a very special poem here.
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good luck in rhe contest!i wish you the best!
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one suggestion i had immediately upon starting to read this. in line 4 if "middle" were actually placed in the middle of a line, say if you just dropped the "the" down in front of "middle", it would immediately add a very simple yet effective device to the poem.
this is pretty good overall. another simple suggestion would be to have just one other stanza for the closing lines to represent the separation of child from mother at birth, and that idea would be mirrored in the separated stanzas. i actually do dig the big stanza here since birth is a big, intense, singular moment in life that nobody really remembers, so it fits that it's written about in that sort of way. nice write. thanks for entering. -
I like what you stated in your authors notes... I totally agree with you... I want the same thing in my work too... How else can I improve unless I get some honest feedback....
Personally I thought... how different... Who could even pull off writing as if they were a fish... I really think the concept is pure genius!!!! I really liked it... but at the same time, I wish there was something more? maybe "feeling" wise.... Since you are the fish.... what does it feel like... what you wrote is so matter of fact.... there's no spark... As sad as the last line is.... it didn't really make me feel for you being a fish and parishing... If I wanted to make any kind of request... it would be put some feeling in it.... It's still really good as is... but then, does a fish have feelings? Maybe?
I hope this is what your looking for as far as feedback.... if you don't like it you can still delete it~ I won't be upset... I truly hope you don't feel upset by what I wrote.... I figured when I ask for it... I truly want it... It saddens me more... when I really want to learn... and no one is willing to give me some true blue... with some idea of what they mean...
Thanks for entering the round contest~ I did like the piece... you did a great job.... makes one think what would it be like if I was a fish
Good luck to you!!! -
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Hehe, thanks for the thoughtful comment! No need to worry, you definitely fulfilled my critique request lol.
As for emotion...yes, this piece doesn't have as much as I would like. I think I'm finding it hard because it's a poem about birth, and I don't exactly remember my own all that well lol.
Thanks for stopping by and good luck hosting your (ambitious) contest.
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Another great entry!
Best wishes in the contest.
Write on!
*PEACE*
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i really like this piece...best of wishes...good luck in the contest...
i like the swimming idea, great write
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I get it!
Very good imagery. You didn't need to say "swimming wet".
It's like saying the same thing twice. Swimming
somewhere
would have worked just as well. Other than that, Outstanding work.
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Very interesting take on this subject. I really think this is a truely unique peice. I enjoyed reading it good luck in round three!!!!
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Being a mother I could immerse myself in this poem - but not only because of that, but also because of the way you've applied the metaphor here. Loved the reference to "nine tides" - and so many other images of pregnancy and birth. I can assure you this poem makes a lot of sense to me... Perhaps you need to play around a little with the line breaks, but other than that it's a great metaphorical piece of writing (of life) - well done!
~ Nicolette
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It's nice to know I've hit the mark lol. Thanks for the line break suggestion and for stopping by!
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