tell me why
you arent here.
tell me why
you did such bad things to me
tell me why
everything is in a fog
tell me why
he tells me he loves me
tell me why
i don't see my daddy.
tell me why
he tried to kill himself
tell me why
our world is full of schootings, lies and missconceptions
tell me why
i see cuts all over her arms
tell me why
you did what you did
tell me why
every time you came near me i just hid
father please tell me why
my world is such a mess
Author notes
this probebly doesnt make any sensce but the people who knwo me should know what i am talking about
A contest entry
- Tell me why by astralshepherd.
450 points, ended October 16, 2007, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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such a heartbreaking poem full of anguish and not understand why. good luck in the contest with it.
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"you arent here" -- aren't.
"our world is full of schootings, lies and missconceptions" -- shootings; misconceptions.
It's a good idea, but you haven't done it justice, IMHO. The repetition and tellishness of this count againsst it; it seems that repetition, here, is a crutch, and it hinders any depths you could explore. Also, there's an idea in poetry to show instead of tell. Showing readers (whether through imagery, metaphor, poetic devices, etc) helps to draw them in and connect with them. It's easier to get a lasting impression or a dominant tone from, say, describing someone's pain to a raging tempest; simply writing that "she was in pain" doesn't do anything. It's just there, and there's really no corresponding thoughts and/or interest that could arise from it.
--Cristina -
1) Content 5
2) Originality 6
3) Flow 8
4) Word choice (vocabulary and/or rhyme) 5
5) Imagery 4
6) Grammar 5
7) Form 8
8) Spelling 4
9) Emotional Impact 5.5
10) Rumination factor (how well does the poem make me ponder) 8.5
It is difficult to address the personal issues involved in poems like this, but I have been here, literally many times – and saying that, I understand the pain that is felt but the poem misses in its ability to convey that as well as it could have. The content is lacking as is originality. Your spelling missed and brought this otherwise powerful message down. I did ponder a while, reflecting on my own issues, for that you get a high mark as well as the flow of the poem. I want to urge you, please, to keep exploring your pain in this manner, I think you will find what it is your soul is longing to say. Thank you for entering the contest, I really do appreciate your fine effort.
astralshepherd’s completely subjective total score = 59
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wow.
You really don't know what she has been though, do you cuz? I understand it purfectly. I hope you the best Ray, I hope that you find what ur soul is looking for. I'll help out in what small way I can.
Wishing you the best:
Eric Paul Michals -
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i agree, wow but for another reason
You are SO very wrong, i DO understand - more than you could EVER know - Eric, if i were holding a contest based on pain, anguish and sorrow, this message would have gotten really close to winning...pain like this is horrific. The contest is the contest, and that's it, as far as writing goes - but for you, Eric, "White Fang" to say "You really don't know what she has been though, do you" is pure, 100% pure, crap. Just in case you missed that i will say it again, Eric, i get it, i dont think you do, - maybe you should read my comment on the poem again.
Regards,
~r.
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This is such a sad poem, I'm sorry if it's personal
Good luck in the contest.
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