Scotch in my hand and I’m just tryin’ to play it cool.
I just roll my eyes as I show you how to play pool.
You’re distracting my every shot there from your stool.
There’s a fire igniting and we’re feeding it fuel.
When I look away you try to cheat but still get caught.
We both have to laugh because still you missed your shot.
I smile as you move your hip to the beat so hot.
Because I know every man in this place wants what I got.
We’re standing in the parking lot as I hold you tight.
In that black dress babe, you look great tonight.
It’s a perfect moment when everything is just right.
You’re why painters paint, singers sing & poets write.
Author notes
This is a poem about my first date in a pool hall/sports bar with my fiancé. It is part of a collection of poems that was presented to her on our anniversary.
Check out part II http://allpoetry.com/poem/3740470
Check out part III http://allpoetry.com/poem/3740574
Check out part IV http://allpoetry.com/poem/3742222
Written: 10/10/07 by Ringside
In a list
A contest entry
- The Many Sides of Love-Rhyming by TabbyCat.
450 points, ended February 5, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Finally Got It by CapturedMoon.
800 points, ended February 28, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Anything Goes~ by Charley-.
425 points, ended April 12, 2008, 125 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - strong feelings by Violent Glass.
425 points, ended March 3, 2008, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my love poetry by leander.
700 points, ended February 22, 2008, 31 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Our Story by SincerelyMegan.
475 points, ended March 10, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 56 of 56
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Sound almost likel a Bruce Sprinsteen song, I like it a lot!
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This is beautiful. I love the ryhming scheme. Lovely. I'm sure whoever this poem was for loved it. Very romantic, very nice. Keep on writing!
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I'm sure that your wife loved this poem. A great picture of the excitement and fun of a first date. This was just really excellent.
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You capture the idea of one amazingly fun evening that is only made that more awesome by having the person that you like by your side. I like that the romance in this piece is not the typical fancy restaurant and flowers type, but it has a grit to it that reminds me of city life. I was always more of a grit type girl anyway. I think you should take a look at some of that end line rhyme to see if it could be reworded, some lines rhyme and some don't and it doesn't seem very uniform to me. Overall, though, this is an excellent piece!
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Okay, nevermind. I see what you're doing. The third verse is your repetition. (I still think that you might be able to reword the third line though, it still feels a bit awkward.) I think you could make this fit together a little bit better, perhaps in the second verse, third line, you could use something of the like with a few more syllables. I think that it's throwing off the rest of the poem. And again, I enjoyed it. ^_
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This is so beautiful! Its just so honest and simple and thats what makes it stand out. It really shows the emotions of a first date. I love the last line
"You’re why painters paint, singers sing & poets write"
Just amazing, im going to read the ohters!
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yuhhuh baby! I like this! truly my lips murmured 'yum' while readin this.
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I love it!!!
It's a great read, good rhythm, and I think you really got the emotions right here. Nicely written
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This is so daggone sweet. I loved the imagery and thoughts in this one. The flow was nice as well. I really loved the last lines. They are all too true.
"You’re why painters paint, singers sing & poets write.". Wonderful job!
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This captures the playfulness and the nervousness of early love very well. I like it.
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wow
this is really awesome alot of feeling in there and a great write .
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i enjoyed your poem alot, i think it was a great read
'You’re why painters paint, singers sing & poets write' i love this line i dont even no why but its great
love always
erica carnea
x.x.x.x.x.
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wow. this is great! it's sensual without being trashy. great job.
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Love Rocks!
Wonderful tribute to the beginnings of love. I rather enjoyed the rhyme scheme, it's not used very often. Nice to see it brought out and used well. Thanks for entering! -
The first two stanzas are excellent; you did a great job describing the scene and communicating (without just outright saying) the flirtaciousness of the moment and how it made you feel. And wow, what a neat idea as a gift! She must have felt so special . . .
The only thing is that by monorhyme, I mean every line of every stanza rhymes with the first line. This is a great poem, but it isn't quite what my contest is asking for, so I'll have to remove it, but thanks for entering and please feel more than welcome to enter another.
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I understand. Thanks for the comment.
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hmm, i like this even more, i love the descriptions, they are sweet and ...sensual at the same time. -eleno
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This is quite a good poem that you have written here actually. And though I'm not really the one who likes rhyme, I'm definately going to put this into the preliminary list because you have a good and consistant rhymescheme, but the flow is flawless as well
I just found one little oopsie:
Stanza 2, line 3: the second 'you' -> your
thank you for entering the contest, I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
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Thank You for the HM!
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"It’s a perfect moment when everything is just right.
You’re why painters paint, singers sing & poets write"
this is wonderful, so amazing. IT is sweet and tender and you opened your heart and told us what was in your soul. good job on this. -
Hello there and thanks for entering your poem was very good and very well written best of luck to you and thanks again for entering..
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Alright well yes, this is really cute, particularly the ending. I'm sure whoever she is would appreciate this quite a bit haha. However, there were some rhyming issues, somethings felt forced. Along with that was the actual rhythm. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it struggled to just barely make it with the correct syllables and did so hurriedly so that it ended up sounding a little choppy and misplaced. Overall, it's good but it could use some tweaking and fine tuning. Good luck in the contest!
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this is really sweet,
and this reminds me of a biker bar too, but i think it adds to it so yay
good luck
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This reminds me of biker bars, I don't know why! Sounds really cool though, a relaxed first date is much nicer than a fussy one. I'd like someone to teach me how to play pool properly, I suck... lol.
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I loved the rhyming in this. It was great and the poem had a great structure. I liked the picture you painted and this really captures your emotion and love. Well done and good luck.
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Thank you for the applause. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
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Lol, I had to giggle at this a little, it's very cute and just innocent, and dirty at the same time, kind of, haha. I thought your rhyming was done well, wasn't forced at all. I loved the ending the most.
Thanks for entering and good luck.
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first dates ahh. the start of something amazing or the start of a disater. love this.
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I definatly got the vibe you were trying to go for; I felt as if i were in the bar with you. Thank you for entering, good luck!
-Courtney -
Excellent!
I very much enjoyed this piece, great rhyme, and a nice flow to it. Great job poet!
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I love the imagry, keep up your great writing... I really like this, this reminds me of a date that I had about 2 years ago, it all came back to me when I read this poem you wrote... Thank you for your entry and good luck in my contest.
~Maria -
Very good, descriptive, great images, great rhyming and good meter.
A very good poem
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This was great.
I just felt so comfortable as I read this piece. As iff it were a page from my own experiences. I could feel the chemistry between the two lovers, and the happiness (the teasing and the light hearted games). It wasn't too heavy. And that was nice. Good job. Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck.
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nice
I love how you made the picture of where you were so vivid!!!
Scotch in my hand.... that shows me you love to drink and have a good time:-) this first date is one you'll always remember:-)
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Sounds like a cool first date. I'd like my first date with the girl I love [if we ever go out, that is
] to consist of mad video game play and snacks.
You did a great job at retelling your cherished memory.
Thanks for entering. Good luck.
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love that last line but am wondering why a woman would go to play pool wearing a black dress ... uh, never mind; I think I know lol. Thanks for sharing with the group.
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Aw thats really sweet!
Best luck in the contest -
Sorry - I have actually commented on this before. The contest is still actually listed above. Thanks for entering but sorry you won't be included in judging this time, for this poem only.
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Awww very nice!
I love this
Thank you for sharing; a fine entry in this contest! -
Good flow and rhythm, nice rhyme scheme. Love the last line here, it adds quite a flair to the poetic value. Your words draw the reader in, looking for more to this continuing story.
Thank you for entering and good luck.
Storm -
damn dude this is fucking awesome.
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Perfect Moment (Part I)
Scotch in my hand and I’m just tryin’ to play it cool.
I just roll my eyes as I show you how to play pool.
You’re distracting my every shot there from your stool.
There’s a fire igniting and we’re feeding it fuel.
When I look away you try to cheat but still get caught.
We both have to laugh because still you missed your shot.
I smile as you move you hip to the beat so hot.
Because I know every man in this place wants what I got.
We’re standing in the parking lot as I hold you tight
In that black dress babe, you look great tonight.
It’s a perfect moment when everything is just right.
You’re why painters paint, singer sing & poets write.
I LOVE THIS POEM! it fits the prompt so well!! -
This is an endearing and charming little poem. Thanks for entering it in my contest. My only suggestion is perhaps a little more punctuation to keep it flowing.
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To be so in-tuned to the one you love is to feel the love from another...your date sounds heavenly Thank you kindly for entering and sharing the smile with me
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this is sweet, thanks for entering!
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Stanza two rhyme is out-flowed from the first line but apart from that - this flow is well worded and the imagery is beautiful.
Thanks for entering.
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this is a fantastic poem! especially the last line.
you have great imagery and the subtle and not-so-subtle emotions of a first date.
nicely done! i have no clue why this has not won anything in the previous contests you entered.
Kat -
True how we are all different and we should stick to what we are good at. loved this piece and I'm glad you shared this with us.
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**laughs** this is sexxy and so....well....damn cute I love it!! Best of luck!!
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Nice job. Thanks for entering. I like the last line.
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Sweet.
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Very evocative and atmospheric - thanks for the entry
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You have talent,R. and your flattering tribute to your girlfriend should make her happy...Her attractiveness written out...that makes any woman happy...Your relationship with her, and with writing poetry are excellent...Good ryhme, flow....and intriguingly sexy.
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good poem nice gift too
good luck in my contest
abe -
I think "role" should be "roll" ?
But I like the piece itself...mysterious...
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Cool for Cats!!!
Ohhhh, I could see this being read in a dimly lit smoky coffee house with beat music in playing in the background. Very Cool.
Anna
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