He can be so magical,
hypnotizing me, giving me hope
with the notes he plays, with his words.
I really believe them.
Too bad the spell ends
when he speaks to me so coldly.
My soul grieves for the lost music,
and for myself.
You'd never know that lover,
with his gentle words and his guitar,
could ever hurt someone so much
but he does.
The bruises always fade,
and those words are so beautiful,
they're all for me, his love expressed,
and I fall in again.
He's so cruel sometimes,
but he starts strumming and singing,
and everything falls away. He smiles.
It's just me, him, and his guitar.
Author notes
Ziggy played for time, jiving us that we were Voodoo. The kids was just crass, he was the naz with God given ass. He took it all too far but boy could he play guitar."- "Ziggy Stardust", David Bowie
A contest entry
- I'll Seep Under Your Skin... by MiseriaCantare13.
450 points, ended November 19, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I agree with Miseria as far as it doesn't flow, but I'd like to add that this seems like a very stiff paraphrasing of the song itself.
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Nice words, but it doesn't really flow well when read. It's the meter is so off, that it's almost like running into a wall. You never expect that meter in the ending. It's an easy enough plot to follow, well worded, and pretty impressive. But the lack of flow drags it down pretty badly.
Thanks for the entry!
Miseria
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