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Going Dark

I've lost my way
Sitting in the woods
On the darkest of nights
Hiding from every eye
Content to just disappear
Like it's the only thing I know
The one thing that I've ever been good at

And if only I could stay here
Forever unnoticed just like I wished for
I shouldn't drag another person down
I won't force them to lose their way

And out here I can't let anybody down
Out here it's all a question of dedication
I'm the only one responsible for this
Which is what I've always been the most disappointing at

Just let me remain
Don't shed a tear or waste your time
I'd rather have it all end this way in comfort
Where nobody can hear or see
I'm as invisible as I could ever be

Author notes

I'm really not sure about this one, I'd really appreciate some feedback.

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Comments

  • star wars fanatic
    January 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hiding from every eye
    Disappearing
    Like it's the only thing I know
    The one thing that I've ever been good at

    I like the first stanza, but I feel like the word "disappearing" is misplaced. It creates a lot of dramatic emphasis that I think is needed at the end, or at least set apart with elipsis, like this:

    Hiding from every eye...
    ...Disappearing

    Like it's the only thing I know
    The one thing that I've ever been good at

    Secondly,
    Forever unnoticed just like I wished for
    I wouldn't drag another person down
    I wouldn't force another to lose their way

    I feel the second line in this stanza (Forever...for) is awkward. Consider rewording?

    Also, I thought the last line might be better saying "Nor" instead of repeating "I wouldn't." I'm not too firm on this point, but just see what you think.

    The last line in the third stanza is just awkward, as well. Consider reowrding--a little too long?

    Love the last stanza! I hope you're not discouraged by all the comments, see I comment more on poems I like. Thx for entering my trash to treasure contest, and let me know what you think about the comments.


  • Manda Kathryn Greeters member
    October 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    G'day The-Choke

    Dark, and fabulous in being so
    Fantastic write

    Enjoy AllPoetry
    Stay safe
    ~Amanda


  • Tarja
    October 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I agree with Jimbo. Impressively dark and brooding. You did an amazing job. This was so beautiful.

  • Jimbo All Akimbo
    October 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well like the title states, it's definitely dark... and brooding. I like it, especially for it's haunting quality. I must admit that it sort of frightened me when I read it though. I'm sure I can explain better in person, but I do think you have a natural talent for expressing your emotions through writing.