Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

Toluca Lake

Missing image

Toluca Lake

Silent Hill, is a place like no other,
an otherworld town, nestled by a lake.
A blanketing fog reached out to smother
and I felt it wanted my soul to take.
I felt like a child torn from her mother;
shaking my head as I started to wake.
I remember the crash, I remember the fear,
but I don’t remember what brought me here.

Then a festering creature brushed my side
then fear seeped in, for a taste of my soul.
I ran down the street for a place to hide
for I knew it would try to eat me whole.
I smelled its breath so I quickened my stride;
If it had a heart, it was black as coal.
My heart was pounding as I ran ahead,
I had to escape from the living dead.

Into the building, I ran through the door;
slammed it behind me, I thought I was clear.
The hallways were dark I better explore.
I moved toward a light that glowed in the rear,
my footsteps padded the creeks in the floor.
I knew in my heart, I’d never leave here.
So now time has passed, I remain here still
I can’t find my way out of Silent Hill.

 

 

 

Author notes

Ottava Rima
An Ottava Rima is a poem written in 8-line octives. Each line is of a 10 or 11 syllable count in the following rhyme:
one octive poem. abababcc
two octive poem. abababcc, dededeff
three octive poem. abababcc, dededeff, ghghghii

In a list

A contest entry

Comments:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • PerVirtuous
    May 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on the gold! Well deserved. A story in a form poem is a feat.


  • Darianna
    May 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Whoops...I forgot the clappies...

  • Darianna
    May 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Before I get to praising your poem, I just want to point out a couple of areas that seemed a little awkward to me:

    "A blanketing fog reached out to smother
    and I felt it wanted my soul to take."

    The phrasing of the second of these lines made the rhyming sound forced which is unlike you. Also:

    "and I felt it wanted my soul to take.
    I felt like a child torn from her mother;"

    I wasn't too sure of the repetition of "felt" here.

    Other than that I'm impressed! I love the pacing of the write, it's not slow and arduous, but it isn't over in a flash either. The suspense is drawn out just enough. I think you chose a wonderful form to accompany the tale you were telling, and it worked well to set the scene and add to the atmosphere. I particularly enjoyed the ending couplets of each stanza! You really worked them well! Especially the last couplet of the first stanza; the rhythm was delicious to read out loud!

    Thank you for entering this delightful poem into my contest.

    Dari xx


  • suseann
    April 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very adept piece of work. I myself have never braved this form. But you've certainly woven a web of a tale within it here. Nice work.


  • Never Fall in Love
    January 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ahh! I remember the movie of this one very clearly! In fact, perhaps I wouldn't if you didn't bring back the ultra clear image with your words. This is beautiful fantastic. The form queen never ever goes wrong - the flow, meter, rhyme is all near perfection [and that is only because perfection itself does not exist] I normally don't do this for your writes, but my favourite line was: "I remember the crash, I remember the fear" Really good...

    Never ♥


  • Nicotine Eyes
    November 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    nice fornamt, which i dont see alot of people use. Ty for entering and good luck!


  • Sacrificial Love
    October 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    felt it wanted my soul to take.
    I felt like a child torn from her mother;
    shaking my head as I started to wake.
    I remember the crash, I remember the fear,
    but I don’t remember what brought me here.



    Starting right at this point I could feel the fog surrounding me...could feel the adrenaline in my chest...

    I love the way you can put yourself anywhere...a woman on Silent Hill scared as hell...to a demon woman searching for a man to possess...or a scared and defenseless child...you write every character with ease...

    At the risk of redunancy my love...AMAZING....

    xoxo

    PS...I so DO NOT live in convent...lol


  • Melodies
    October 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    All's fine here !

    I grew up in Southern California where there is a city named "Toluca Lake," so the title caught my eye. This poem has an enchanting feeling with a chilling foundation that is so much pleasure to read, especially in October. A real poet wrote this. Some of us (including Melodies) are wanna-be poets.


    • Amera gold member
      October 16, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! That really is the name of the lake in the Silent Hill game. I'm so glad everything's OK at the real lake.


  • Tarja
    October 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Totally and completely awesome!! I loved it! And the fact that you added that picture really gives a nice effect. Thank for entering.


  • HaleyMary
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Great write. Very powerful imagery and had a feeling of fear in the piece, as well. Wonderful form of poetry. I haven't seen the film "Silent Hill" yet. Maybe I'll rent it. It would be good to watch around Halloween. Anyway, great write. Good luck in the contest.


  • Pure Thought silver member
    October 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Amera, simply superb

    Created the perfect images and feelings.
    Well done.


  • StarEyes
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I see Miss Form Queen is at it again. LOL

    You never cease to amaze me with all the forms you do, and each one just as amazing as the one before it!

    This piece, OMG! Is chilling and, I am soooo glad I am sitting here with a long cuddly robe on, otherwise, I would have been froze clear through! Great job!

    Best of luck in this contest!

    and much love

    Nyetta


  • Whispering Wind Moderators member
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    The makings of a really scary movie!...had me sitting on the edge of my set:))...You are wonderful little one...you should write movies...this is good!

    niaish my love for sharing*rose*


  • Desire gold member
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Magnificent!!

    One of my favorite movies which leaves the viewer in
    Beautiful piece penned in one of my favorite forms also

    Then a festering creature brushed my side
    and then fear seeped into my very soul.

    Wowzers!!
    Keep that ink flowing Sweet One
    Thank You for sharing Your Talent

    Best wishes to You in the contest
    Many blessings too
    and much love~ Desire~*~


  • Sai Babas Lotus
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    WOW! This is very interesting and I like the suspense, the scare you have created in this. Very nice rhymes and rhythm. Excellent imagery. Beautiful form I am yet to attempt. Most fascinating read.

    Thank you for sharing,
    Charishma

  • Sai Babas Lotus
    October 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    WOW! This is very interesting and I like the suspense, the scare you have created in this. Very nice rhymes and rhythm. Excellent imagery. Beautiful form I am yet to attempt. Most fascinating read.

    Thank you for sharing,
    Charishma


  • Rebekah-Ann silver member
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I think this is perfect!
    Loved: I felt like a child torn from her mother;

    Haven't seen it yet, but I will surely make a note that I do!

    Good luck in the contest!

  • PerVirtuous
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I know nothing of the game or soundtrack, but this is a fantastic take on the picture. A wonderful use of the ottava rima. You capture the dark genre with such a sense of innocence that it highlights the suspense and darkness. Bravo.

1 - 19 of 19