Sunset reserved,
seats are empty,
clouds blush
surprised
covering their plain nudity
with veils of perverted silence.
One cheap entertainment,
lipstick and pus
same old cabaret
with condoms for free.
Rip your memories off
as the wind-
autumn's favourite wHore
is now lapdancing
only for you.
Author notes
...
In a list
- Girl Interrupted group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Pimp up my honorable mention or trophyless by leander.
400 points, ended December 4, 2007, 86 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Result Of Boredom: A "Whatever" Contest by Exodus.
525 points, ended January 25, 2008, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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This is a shocking point of view! i admire your courage in writing something like this.... its shocking, but very good because of it. Sharp imagery and creative point of view!
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Wow, I absolutely love this poem
It says so much and combines the beautiful with the vulgar very well and creatively. This is great!
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Oooh,love the ending....
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good urban poetry, one really feels they are there.
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Quite creative how you have written this - thought that a great ending to this write. Liked the alliteration in these lines too.
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OO thats sort of sexy. I like it
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An interesting philosophical play on words in a brooding sort of way. Good write though I liked the content and the flow. Happy trails
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Popcorn, in the sense of the word, a name play. the obvious way this is made and treated is as much through your explanations. a hot climate, and after effects, if you know what I mean?
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You are so very talented and have such a way with words.
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AWESOME
my favorite part was "covering their plain nudity with perverted silence," very well written all around.. I love the use of words. Very good job
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You have used some very unique and original metaphors in this poem, and I definately do like that
Also the imagery you've captured within the lines of this poem are really good
Thank you for entering this in the contest!
Leander -
Pretty confusing to me but I'm alittle dumb haha. I like the style and its really good
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You expressed such superbly combined choice of powerful words.. I love how you come up with all these beautiful descriptions and to express them in words is just mind-blowing.. The artistry of your mind is priceless..
A superb write...
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great
very nice job with this haiku type poem, it paints a complete picture for sure, you may say what you want about your work, but however it is the best haiku type of poem i have read so far. it is wonderfull i assure you of that.
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Reserved, very good use of the word. Accurately describes the setting sun, quiet and fading.
Seats are empty - again, silence. Alone, contentment.
Blushing clouds… a fair cop.
I really like surprised. Actually, I really, really like surprised. There’s nothing in the setting sun to suggest hyperactivity or nervousness… so with these thoughts blocked by the tone already set, you are able to bring in this great kinesthesia. You can really feel the tension of the eyes widening, taking in the masterpiece on the horizon.
Oooh, then the tying of them together as an explaination… nudity against the sun. Very nice indeed. Nudity and perverted play well together.
I think it was Shakespeare himself who equated sexual encounters to ‘beasts with two backs’… an interesting metaphor for the sunset; one I really enjoy.
“Rip your memories off”… a very tricky line. It could seem very harsh when contrasted to the calm setting of the sun. However, the buildup of emotion through lipstick, pus, and cabaret is well off. And it very accurately portrays that moment when you actually realize you hadn’t memories left... nothing floating upstairs. A very beautiful moment.
The final part actually made me laugh as it somehow played off of the metaphors ‘Pulp Fiction’… but the lap dance was a very interesting picture. The use of the word ‘whore’ combined with ‘only for you’ presents a rather stark contrast…
However when combined with the title it really packs a punch.
While at first glance, the use of ‘popcorn’ as the title made absolutely no sense, until I realized I was simply half asleep and was merely looking at the literal. Perhaps not what you meant, but I paired this entire event of the sunset with the emotions and imagery of a young couple going to the movies – a very, very powerful second meaning.
All in all I’d say you did an absolutely marvelous job… and I can’t disagree with any of it.
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You have some great lines in this poem, you could write more poems with some of them.
well done
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Very nice.
All I can say, really, is "wow". This was written very skillfully. I had to read it twice to understand the metaphor, which the title helped with (good job on that - so rarely is a title so appropriate). This is a very deep, almost sad comment on beauty. The link between whores and the beauty of nature is especially stunning. Definitely one of the best poems I've read lately, with a degree of mastery I aspire to.
Excellent.
= )
- Solaris
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Whoa. I liked that, and I haven't the slightest idea why. Maybe it's the metaphors. I've got a weakness for those. The old, weary familiarity. That kinda feel. An' that makes it fannntastic.
Splendidddd. XD
~NM
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Most tend to cover the natural, ferocious beauty that burns in all of us. Nice poem about the perversion of beauty.
much love,
mike porkchops -
Um.. this poem didn't seem to talk about anything, or have much passion. I really didn't get it.
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Wow, makes no sense. What has this to do with popcorn? Not to mention, anything else. Maybe I missed a few articles, or something. Just did not get it.
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Wow. Very interesting
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very unique. good write. thanks for sharing.
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This was weird and cool at the same time.
I enjoyed the flipping metaphors that made
me think again. Thanks for sharing!!
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haha love it
unique and interesting metaphor
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clouds blush
surprised
covering their plain nudity
This line is awesome
Good luck in the contest and in your future writes -
This is beautiful. You managed you convey such a strong message, in so little words.
"clouds blush" I like the idea of this, very pretty and unexpected.
Also the idea of ripping off memories is just fabulous. Excellent write.
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clouds blush
surprised
covering their plain nudity
with veils of perverted silence.
stunning, thank you. -
oooOOo arousal*!!!
its a lovely poem full of passion and dirt-ness
you dirty minx.. lol
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I think you will find there is one W in whore. Although more than one prick.
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oh ~ so little words to make such a hot point~ Nice write!!
Thanks for entering the battle of the sex's contest ~ good luck to you! We'll be making our decision closer to the close of the contest~ -
I had an afterthough that kinda sums up what I was trying to say...
The thoughfulness of the message, the impact of the words, all of the effort you've put into your beautiful poem is lost on me, if I don't want to read it, or if something about it 'turns me off'. (and I don't mean that in a sexual sense, but in the sense that I hit that line, and my brain turns off.) -
I read this initially a few days ago, and didn't leave a comment.
This poem is not for me. (but it could be)
You had me up until:
"One cheap entertaiment,"
Up until then, I understand the title, and that there is some kind of show that is about to begin. That I should be sitting in a theatre with my popcorn cuz this is going to be good.
and then I was turned off.
It is not at all a commentary on your writing, it's a personal thing. I found the words, and the language distasteful. I'm not exactly a prude, but I don't really derrive anything from reading poems with erotic imagry, and the smattering of the disgusting (pus, for example) was a bit of a double whammy.
I imagine though that you were going for distasteful, but for me, that's not why I read poetry. Make me laugh, make me smile, make me sad, make me angry, make me think, make me understand... But once you start trying to 'turn me on' (not that this piece is, but it's using that kind of language) or gross me out, I'll take a pass.
All that said, I've tried to take a step back from the language, and read it purely from a poetic point of view. Ignoring the meaning of the words, reading them as if they were nonsense, and devoid of actual meaning in and of themselves. (which is kinda tough), and I hit a roadblock at nearly the same place.
It has a lovely metre, a grandness in all of the 'long' feeling words (with 'long' vowel sounds) which is all suddenly thrown into contrast with sudden hits of rhythm (co-ver-ing, nu-dit-ty, per-vert-ted) which all noteably have the same long vowels, save perverted, but have a much more staccato feel.
the line 'Lipstick and pus' hits me again. I think the piece would be better if it wasn't there... This time, 'lipstick' and 'pus' both have really short vowel sounds, and are neither grand, nor have that staccato feel to me.
I understand that the lipstick is representitive of the redness in the sunset, and of autumn leaves, and it also relates to the exploitation of femininity that you're going for as well, but the word 'pus' isn't pretty, even devoid of it's meaning, which also isn't pretty. I understand why it's there, I just don't like it. I can't really explain why.
Again, please don't be offended, but let me show you what I mean. It really ticks me off when people re-write my work, I'm just trying to illustrate my suggestions.
Concider:
Sunset reserved,
seats are empty,
clouds blush
surprised
covering their plain nudity
with veils of perverted silence.
Cheap entertaiment,
same old cabaret.
Rip your memories off
as the wind-
autumn's favourite whore-
is now dancing
only for you.
The first thing I notice when I read that is the word Whore. being the single 'offencive' word in the piece, it immediately becomes the focal point, and is given that much more punch. With 'Pus' 'Condom' and 'lapdance' in there, whore (which is really the crux of your piece, if I'm not mistaken) doesn't have the same impact.
For me, it's like the difference between Burlesque, and stripping. One is pretty, interesting, playfully getting the point accross, teasing, flirty; the other is dirty, deliberate, in your face, (personally) not at all attractive, slutty, and done with a different intention.
Personally, I would go to see Burlesque, as an art, to be entertained. I'd only ever go to see strippers to appreciate the athleticism required to hang upside down from a metal pole using your legs. The same could be applied to poetry.
I think in general, I prefer if the naughty bits (both in burlesque, and in poetry) to be left to my imagination; and your work can reach more readers and be just as impactful (albeit in a slightly different way) without using gross or sexually provocative words just for shock value.
Just my $.02. -
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amazed
thank you for the coment!one of the most sincere and therefore much aprecieted coment I've received in a loooong time yet I feel like justifying a couple of concepts in here
1.this is about a guy(i'm sure you've figoured out)
2."lipstick and pus"-this sums about a couple of features of our daily world, beauty and distgusness/real and unreal/naturala and artificial all on the same stage in the same old cheap show.
3."with condomes for free"-it underlines with explicit words the triviality of the show as the most primitive pleasures are more tangible than the rising of the spirit(the man in flesh bents to kness in here the man in spirit)
4.whore-this one will stand up for itself with or without the rest of the poem; while everyone identifies the wind with melancholy,whispers,love etc. in here it has a more realistic meaning as the wind is now(after all that happend)dancing only for that guy who is the only spectator.
5.lapdancing-this word was meant to sugest the individuality of the show,the performance is intimate as the wind keeps so close to the character; it's not just dancing around but moreso, it's almost becoming one with the spectator,devastating his senses
this whole poem is a new version of the so romantic concept "autumn" and it's meant to offer to the reader a new,more realistic perspective of what this season might mean when not all things are going pink in a relation.thank you again for the comment!
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oh that was great! i loved it! i dont know what else to say, that was just great!
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