I must see it!
Tell the stone lizards to get off the wall and come,
For I must see the shadows the scared trees cast
On that solitary bench exposed to life at the town square
I must see it!
The sleeping bull ready to charge
Those who wear the red of envy,
Beware!He comes for you, from beneath bloodied soil,
Beware!He comes for you, forgotten boy waiting in the longest line
I must see it!
The indifference of youth rekindle
The cold roses left to their death-bed
By hungry beggars with shameless schemes
I must see it!
The cattle of the dark ages
Slaughtered again on half-coloured stone,
As the boy's sandy blood boils
With a passion as proud as night.
When he sees the born-again girl of his dreams.
All manner of life gathers around her,
Friends,old lovers,future lovers:A party of life.
She is too busy to even look at him
Yes.
I must see it!
"Oh, green statue of a forgotten saint
Oh, sleeping bull of envy
Oh, hard blood of couples married in youth
Oh, pigeons clogging the last clean veins
Why must I suffer
Whilst she dances even in her sleep?
Why can't my sorrow
Be hers and theirs?
If she won't want me
Then let the singing ghosts torment her!
And let the winter's heaven
Rain blood on her friends first and last communions!"
I must not see it!
Another weak soul succumb,
To the ravishes of jealousy,
His love is an arrow without a target
And his disease stifles the evolution of man
Thrice!Thrice!Is the suffering of those
Who bury themselves unceremoniously in the cemetary
Of envy!
A contest entry
- Real Poetry Contest by Oedhel.
525 points, ended October 20, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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You certainly are creative and have an insight and depth that is not common place for any of the 19 yr' old young men I know of. I am a mom and have a teenage son and so I know a few of them LOL.
Keep up the good work!
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Results...
Originality: 4/4 It’s original alright
Rhythm: ¾ A few lines caught me up, but overall it flowed well.
Wording: 4/4 Great wording, and great vocabulary range.
Ease of Reading: 4/4 It flowed well enough.
Final Score: 15/16 Nice job over all.
For a more extensive critique contact me after the close of the contest.
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woah this is sum dark poetry rite here
kinda halloweenish
keep up the good work dud -
His love is an arrow without a target
...a brilliant imagenery, although sad
Goodluck in your contest
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When he sees the born-again girl of his dreams.
All manner of life gathers around her,
Friends,old lovers,future lovers:A party of life.
She is too busy to even look at him
Yes.
I must see it!
bravo indeed! the sheer intensity of love traveling at bows speed, the metaphors were so bright and yet balanced out of unique petal figures and statues of careful carving where it seemed a chaos had undertaken the writer..
a brilliance, cheers...
w chai and choc chip cookies
-jas
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With the usage of repetition I looked for form but concluded was personalization.The usage of "won't want" maybe alliteration yet it caused a pause at both read throughs,'tis not a criticism but a perspective "if she won't want me" perhaps if she don't?
His love seems indeed to be an arrow without a target and indeed within the green of envy we bury ourselves unceremoniously in the cemetary of envy,liked the phraseology of that very much.Envy is acidic,toxic and unpalletable and when we allow it to wash over us we drown within it.
Perhaps within your presentation you may like to consider leaving a space between the end line of the poem and the posted page to allow the words to linger longer before the reader reads "tell me what you think?"
Good luck with your creativity.
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you penned this with descriptives in every angle to the pitfalls of envy and jealousy- I'm not fond of either but prefer jealousy to envy. Jealousy is someone who is jealous of what you have..Envy on the other hand is wanting what you have and not wanting you to have it! Just my take
Best wishes in the contest
~Joy
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