Surrounded by the brilliant fire
And burnished yellow gold
I was filled with a strong desire
To see this story told
A tale of change among the trees
The coming of the winter freeze
A tale of change
A tale of change
That sent me sinking to my knees
I sat and watched the sunlight fade
No wish to leave the ground
The night was silent as I prayed
No creature made a sound
Majestic trees prepared for sleep
And softly I began to weep
Majestic trees
Majestic trees
Whisper the secrets that they keep
They kindly say to have no fear
And listen to the earth
For if I do then I will hear
Excitement for rebirth
There is no death in Winter's hand
There's only rest for Autumn's land
There is no death
There is no death
So watch as Winter shows her worth
Author notes
Trijan Refrain
The Trijan Refrain, created by Jan Turner, consists of three 9-line stanzas, for a total of 27 lines. Line 1 is the same in all three stanzas, although a variation of the form is not to repeat the same line at the beginning of each stanza. In other words, the beginning line of each stanza can be different. The first four syllables of line 5 in each stanza are repeated as the double-refrain for lines 7 and 8. The Trijan Refrain is a rhyming poem with a set meter and rhyme scheme as follows:
Rhyme scheme: a/b/a/b/c/c/d,d refrain of first 4 words of line five /c
Meter: 8/6/8/6/8/8/4, 4 refrain/8
source: shadowpoetry.com
Actually, I'm not terribly pleased with the last line, but it was the best I could come up with. Any suggestions?
In a list
A contest entry
- Blank Cheque by sca.
777 points, ended November 1, 2007, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any wise words?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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You could perhaps make it "whisper secrets that they keep" - taking out the "the"?
I'm also not so keen on the last line - maybe you could just make it "as Winter shows her worth"?, but the rest of the poem has a natural flow to it, and although an obvious rhyme it's well done.
=> Jess
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oh I agree, there are a few things that could make it better if I were tp throw the form out. And I do like your suggestions, they just don't fit.
And you know, this particular last line is the THIRD one I've tried. Nothing I can think of really works...its just that this one works better than the other ones. -
and its supposed to have a rhyme.
That's the whole point of this form. -
except that taking out those words throws off the entire syllable count.
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I have to admit I didn't pay any attention to the form when I read the poem, so you don't have to take my advice - I just went with what sounded best in general when I read it aloud.
I never said it shouldn't rhyme, just usually people get it wrong where you'd got it right.
-- if I go through my meter, I usually count the "th" or "ed" (or in some cases the "s") on the ends of words as half a count - although I guess I'm a little more post-modern than most on this site,
=> Jess
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i think i like this one even more than the last one. excellent ..keep writing
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