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Fighting a losing battle

I feel I am losing this war within myself
I have been alone for well over five years
No lover near no family close just lonely ole me
Each day night my thoughts lean towards cutting
I punch a wall or bang my head on a tree
Step on the road hoping for a car to be there
Or stand on a bridge and gave at the churning waters below

Other times when I take my medication I wonder
Take some more kill the pain the brain my life
A glass of water a bottle of pills so tempting
Right now on the desk in front of me is a knife
From the keyboard to the desk top my eyes flit
My hands shake as I type these haunted words
My eyes are moist and I feel so dam weak

I know many care but the fight is becoming to hard to bare
Some days I just want to climb the highest mountain and jump
Others I want to walk into the ocean with a pack of rocks
I keep thinking up new ways to die, and I really want too!
Even now I look at my scars and wonder maybe one more
Others I feel so light headed and wonder have I gone too far?

I am so tired of fighting depression so tired of lingering
The blade in front of me still carries trace of old blood
Maybe I should refresh and some new paint to it…
I don’t know how much longer I can resist this poison
I am trying but I feel like I am killing myself slowly.
Thirty six years to die will I make it to thirty seven
Something even I don’t have the answer for anymore.

may have typo's or mis spelling, will correct later on. ty

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Comments

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    October 10, 2007

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    I can relate to these feeling you have my heart uncle I love you I know things are hard im always here for you love you.


  • Reptile Lady gold member
    October 10, 2007

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    Another emotive and energy filled exhausted write.
    Sadness etched, and the bitter sweet needs are not within your reach.
    Keep on writing, and REMEMBER lonely hours and days, can lead to wonderment.
    I know I have been there...
    Julie x


  • lostinthevoid
    October 10, 2007

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    very emotional

    this write is very emotional,much like a journal entery,made me want to comfort the writer (which does not happen often for me),leaves me to say very strong delivery at the least.At least you know you have people who care about you,so that is a positve point in this write!Has fluctuation of emotional and mental pain through out. Good write,althoug very sad and a horribal feeling to have to live with. I can relate to these words. Best wishes !