Sitting amongst the ruins, I’m content.
With strength these crippled columns embrace me,
Caressing my thoughts with whims'cal resent,
That I’d not met my soul innocently.
These marble old men whisper their dreamings:
I’d not lamented my passion away,
I could borrow their remnants of wond’rings,
And I’d dance ‘round a circle of the Faye.
Yet my youthful soul had been ripped from me
In a philosopher’s duel. I was left
With columns of knowledge stolen by he,
My lover and mentor of terr’ble theft.
Who can rebuild foundations so shaken,
Or give what was so violently taken?
Author notes
This is a romantic-style poem modeled after some of the earlier romantic poets such as Wordsworth and Smith. I really enjoyed writing this because I THINK this was the first one I wrote with a picture prompt: http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/3322341.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=86F19F6C94FCC84F5BB0A6254A72F678A55A1E4F32AD3138 This is a poem about what i imagined from the picture.
I imagined an emotionally crippled girl/woman sitting amongst the ruins and becoming almost friends with the broken columns for they mirrored her own soul- once proud and grand, now fallen. But just because the columns were fallen doesn't mean that they are ugly- it's now a different sort of beauty, just like the girl/woman. When she lost her innocense it was like her columns were fallen- now she's more untamed and unstructured but also sad because she misses the clearer and structured days of her youth. She lost her innocence in an argument with someone she admired and respected and he changed the entire way she thought and now she has no foundations and she crumbled.
I really think I should expand on this poem... i like its brevity but perhaps it would do well to add more content on the "story" Let me know what you think about this idea.
The title was intended to be spelled "Runes" like the ancient script one would find on ruins. So no, as typo-proned as I am, that is not one.
I hope you like it, tell me what you honestly think.
A contest entry
- The beginning... by AThoughtfulJourney.
450 points, ended October 19, 2007, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - _.:*~*:._.:*~*OPTIONS: BIG POINTS*~*:._.:*~*:._ by Erika Elektrikka.
2200 points, ended March 12, 2008, 28 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is a very lovely poem, yet so very sad.
Good Luck,
Erika
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"Caressing my thoughts with whims'cal resent,"
After seeing "whims'cal" I figured you were doing a syllable count, 'cause that's the first I've ever seen someone use the apostrophe in such a word as that. I counted the lines, seems you're doing a 10 syllable count. I do not think that word works with an apostrophe. "whimscal" just doesn't sound right, at all. I feel you probably could use a variant of whimsical, with two or less syllables, rather than the 3. Of course, sometimes breaking a tiny rule in syllable count is okay; Shakespeare did it all the time with his sonnets.
"My lover and mentor of terr’ble theft."
I do not think it works well with "terr'ble", either. You could just use the word "awful", that's 2 syllables, and means basically the same thing.
Those are the only problems I had with the poem, I'm thinking it's a sonnet (I didn't read your author notes), and if so .. I think breaking such a rule is fine, as long as it's not overdone.
Overall: I think you could work on those two words, and other than that: a good poem that you have written here.
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This is a great sonnet, it flows so well and the rhyme fits nicely. The last couplet just rounds it off perfectly. It's a shame, I couldn't click the picture =[ oh well.
Keep up the good work and good luck in the contest
Never ♥ -
I love the approach you took here and it shows you take chances. This worked well and I enjoyed the read.
I could see the girl in the ruins and the poem delved deeply into other things also. It was wine to my mind.
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In my modest opinion this is one of your best. Ad you are right, feelings are like from the old poetical style and language of poets. With the right used words and expressed picture included to feelings you are bringing to us the scent of past.
~Sonja~
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Thank you... I'm so glad you liked it.
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Very well done!
I will do as is customary, and will give first the things I enjoyed, and second, the things that, in my opinion, you could improve on. (Taken simply as my opinion, of course, because if you feel it is perfect as is, then you are most certainly right. Expression is hard to critique )
What I enjoyed: The form, and feel of this are both very much what I enjoy in a lot of the poetry I read. Well done! Also, your description of the feelings of this girl/woman is absolutely amazing! So descriptive in such a unique way. Very good write!
Suggestions: Your syllable count fluctuated a bit, and the only reason I point it out is because from the form of the poem, it seems like you were going for some type of syllable format. Each line was between 10, and 12 syllables, with the bulk of them being 11. I think you should absolutely expand on this idea, and that whatever you choose to do with it will come out great!
Thank you for entering your talents into this contest, and good luck in the judging.
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Thanks for the lovely comment... especially the suggestions- this was MEANT to be a sonnet but as you pointed out, the syllable count was off. Thanks for pointing that out to me. The last 10 lines with 10 syllables each is how I intended it to be... the first 4 lines I wrote LATE last night and in my sleep deprevation I apparently forgot how to count! I will be sure to make these adjustments and possibly more so I hope you will reread this at the end of the contest to see the final product.
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