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rice

I.
this mouth
says yes against my will
opening
a revolving door
to you

when you want it
how you want
it

 

II.
i hadn't seen you in

a month
only your handwriting
a note that said
you'd be back

that
i shouldn't worry
much

oh how i missed you then
i guess that's my
excuse.

 

III.

when you finally came
it took you ten minutes
to kiss me
then five to pull away
realizing that the scene was more
like war
than porn
or any love
you'd seen so
far

 

IV. 

 

you got what you came for

and then left

again 

 

V.

i waited

two more weeks

before you came

 

this time

i ignored the call

 

rubbing off

the stains you left

on me 

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 25 of 25

  • asymmetry
    October 24, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    last three lines kick ass..


  • sistabigbones
    October 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love this. we've all been there but you really wrote this well. it wasn't another had-him-and-lost-him poem, it hit deeper than that. anyway, I really really loved stanza three.

    off to read more of your stuff!

  • Suzanne Dia
    October 10, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    In stanza IV I don't think you really need the word 'and', often times it is just extra wordage and the message is as clear without it.


    • birch
      October 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i see what you're saying. i shall edit shortly!

  • Suzanne Dia
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply


    Ouchies.

    Love and leave, eh?

    Not sure how open you are to critical comments at this point. Let me know.

    This leaves an ache.

    I know someone like this. I haven't managed to ignore the calls yet, though.

    Kudos for having the strength (if this is not fiction), if it's fiction, kudos for making it believable.




    • birch
      October 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank you, and i'm always up for critical comments!


  • Phineas Red
    October 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Hm, I can't really tell you what to cut out, but I did like it, it was emotional and honest.

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    October 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    First of all, I have to tell you that I love your name.

    I am going to be super-critical but that does NOT mean that I am right. I am just giving opinions.

    Section 1: the middle stanza through me a bit, and I think its only because the ending I got lost with. I would almost consider just leaving it be at the second stanza, or maybe incorporating night into that as well and then closing.

    Section 2: stanza one, line four - on a? the a is kind of just dangling there. And I would consider removing the 'eventually' completely. I love how the 'much' is on a line of its own, the emphasis is perfect. And Matt (Lee-sharp) is right, I am not sure about the parenthesis.

    Section 3: Love the stanza completely but again not sure about the parenthesis.

    Section 4: Excellent. Love the play on the word 'heroine'.

    Section 5: The first stanza works but I would play a bit with the middle - ironically I love the ending but I kind of feel like the middle can be reworked slightly, or maybe combined.

    Just my opinions. I am glad to have stumbled your way, or you stumbled mine, whichever it was because your work is totally your own. You wear your heart on your sleeve and while it may not always feel good, it makes for some damn good poetry.

    • birch
      October 9, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i edited it all! i guess i wasn't as tired as i thought i was. and i'm wondering if you could help me with my last section now. i changed it, but it reads a little off in my head. i'm not sure what it is though.

      and thanks about the name! i tried a few others before this, but stupid poets who never post had them instead. so i hit up itunes, and decided with the cd title 'tigermilk' by belle and sebastian.

      that is... if you were talking about MY name, or the name of the poem? either way...

      • Melissa Gayle gold member
        October 9, 2007

        Edit | Reply
        Hmm -

        "this time
        i ignored your call

        i had rubbed off every stain
        you left on
        me"

        What if you did something like this -

        'this time
        i ignored the call

        rubbing off
        all the stains you left
        on me'

        In essence its the same thing, it is just slightly reworded.

    • birch
      October 9, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for the awesome critique! that's what i'm looking for. i just got home, but i will be referring back to this and making edits when i'm a little more awake. again, thank you.


  • layla.
    October 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I liked it a lot. I think it went smoothly. I just don't like the word "eventually" here... But that doesn't seem to put any sort of "stain" on the piece.
    Good luck!
    HAHAHA I'm going to stalk now. Poor kid, you didn't know what you were doing!
    -Esha


  • lee-sharp
    October 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    nice breaks. you forgot to put a space before V.
    im not sure i dig the parentheticals since they arent carried at least to the last section.

    overall theres a great texture to the write with smooth transitions. i quite enjoyed the piece.


    • birch
      October 9, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thanks man. i will definitely take the critique and see what i can do with it.


  • prettilizzi
    October 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really like it. I can't say that I like one part more than the other.  You can't sit and criticize everything... just remember, one person might throw something in the garbage but the next person would pay a million dollars for it. ---- "To each their own"  take care and keep writing! Smile

  • vertigo beat
    October 9, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Hmm. I have to say, I liked many parts in the poem. But, I think you extended it too much without using the length effectively. I could be wrong; been wrong 90% of the time. But, that's what I felt. Overall, I think you've done well. (I mean it)


    • birch
      October 9, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      is this new version a little better?

    • birch
      October 9, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      see, i feel the same. i'm not sure what to take out though. i agree that the length wasn't as popping. the only part i really want to keep would be the first stanza under part three, and then maybe the first stanza in the first part.

      • vertigo beat
        October 9, 2007

        Edit | Reply
        YES! I like it MUCH better. I'm going to try and give you three clappy guys, but it usually doesn't work. Just know that I think you deserve it.


        • birch
          October 9, 2007
          Edit | Reply
          thank you. the thought is all i care about. the clappy guys are just spiffy little hoes.

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