Bulging round edges form a towering octagon
Well-wishing yellow spires and a hopeful white glow escape entering flecks
Slowly filling the structure with a luminous haze
Spilling rays of light from open window and foyer
Damp fog encircles the occasion from a distance
Unable to pierce love incarnate and collective prayers
Pulsing skyward past a prominent crucifix
Two fireflies mingle and whirr a figure eight
Surrounded by swaying greenery
Buoyed by the gentle whispers of lark and starling
Staccato bursts of laughter escape blue and green
A crimson glow revealed as hands caress cheek
Aluminum mules sigh charcoal gasps
Dotted lines slicing four straight rows
The herd marches forward with measured precision
Glowing eyes illuminate distant landscapes through glass shells
Searching for a distraction
She flickered
Failing to retain her usual luminescence
Downcast faces surround, twisting concave smiles, leaking scarlet
Coughs expelling life essence
A smoldering soul - turned to ash.
Author notes
1st stanza - Church wedding
2nd stanza - Two lovers at a park
3rd stanza - People Stuck in traffic
4th stanza - An old woman dying
I wanted to describe events in life from a distant perspective...one that viewed impressions and emotions instead of physical characteristics, i.e. a color is an emotion, etc.
A contest entry
- Wherever you are stop and write! by alexandrathegreat.
1800 points, ended October 24, 2007, 31 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How could I have improved?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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i guest there is always room for improvement but on this, i would go with it the way it is.you have vast talent in the writing game and that shows in this.this is abstact at its best as it sends the imagination looking for the concrete idea it was based on. it would have beedn hard to grasp the concepts of the verses without your notes, but once they are read, all is so crystal clear you have to hit yourself in the head for not seeing in the first place. this is a winner of major porportions.
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great write
you have owned the stanzas and painted such vivid imagery, while maintaining your abstract objective all the while. very talented execution
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I think a poet should aim for perfection without borrowing ideas. Constructive criticism is a form of plagiarism, and is best suited for other lower art forms.
Critics are impostors, they give a beggar two cents instead of a hundred to their own agenda.
In poetry, philanthropy should not be welcomed,
after all, a poet that learns from another is not much of a poet. Your poetry doesn't need to have anyone's thoughts or direction in it, it's your poetry, and if you are a good poet, it should be you that reaches
perfection. There are very few good poets out there, you're one of them.
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Thank you for your comment. I hold it in high regard as I consider you a much better poet than I.
As to the futility of constructive criticism in poetry, I share much of the same view. Art in all forms should stand on its own merits regardless of the author, explanation, or any other extenuating or mitigating factors unrelated to the work itself.
I also struggle with what I call the 'AP paradigm'. Since I was never very knowledgeable or involved with classical or well known poetry before I came on AP, I wonder if anything I do holds true merit, or if I am just another bloggy, myspace-like blurb in the explosion of sudden value that everyone's opinion now holds in the 'web 2.0' age we are now in. Validation from people I consider genuinely talented motivates me to continue writing.
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Interesting write, uniques and vivid. Very descriptive, good job on your silver trophy. Thank you for your author notes as they made the poem make some logical sence, although even without them it has a nice flow and powerful words.
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yeah
your better then me. ha maybe -
Nicely done. Congratulations on the silver trophy there.
I enjoyed the intense feeling of this piece of poetry. Wonderful read this was.
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wow i first read this and was slightly confused but enjoyed the ideas presented, Then when i read your note about the stanza's i got it, read it again and it all made so much sense, beautiful and im jelous of this ability lol!
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beautiful. i love the abstractness and the way it was written. great job!
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wow this was so very creative! i love all the imagery you put in to this! congrats on the shiny silver trophy! it was well deserved!
NineTailedFox -
Good language and imagery. The writing itself does bounce around and is scattered but that can be ok if it is understandable to your reader(as is in this poem). Try to make it flow a little better somehow by switching things around. Otherwise it looks pretty good, Keep on writin!
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You use great words and images I like your writing a lot! Keep up the good work. I would however like to say that this particular poem is kinda everywhere it bounces around a lot and doesn't focus in an any particular theme.
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images
Hello there!
Good to see a poem centred around images - the stuff of real poetry.
Good to see, also that each line was treated with respect by the poet, and that there was trust in the image and not an explanation afterwards.
There are many good lines in this imagistic poem and this one describing a car in a traffic jam was my favourite:
Aluminum mules sigh charcoal gasps
Thanks for sharing this.
Have a lovely day,
BJ.
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Oh
Snaps
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First off, id go a head and get rid of your explanations. I think the power in abstract art of any medium lies in its ability to impress upon its beholders without explaining. And even at that, your pieces here are fairly precise. Abstract yes, but not beyond all recognition.
I often find myself, after reading a piece of abstract poetry, thinking, damn, I wish I knew what the hell they were talking about... but now that you answer that question for me Im not so sure. Perhaps its only the vague and ambiguous poems that really leave me like that. these are neither.
if you do want to work these further, however, Id say you could go even further a field with the second and fourth segments. the lovers one, at least to me, can still be read literally. though thats not really a criticism.
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Arranging these scenes next to each other were very well done. i cannot say that until I read your AN notes I realized what it was all about, but after reading agin, you did very well with this. My favorite was the final stanza
Becky
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smells like pot in here
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breathtaking imagery within those echoes heard within the heart!
Yes I did enjoy this my friend!
Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
Bill
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!!!
5 *
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this is great. I especially love how you used colors as the emotions. It matches how I think of things in a way such as certain words having certain colors and even temperatures... anyway, awesome!
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fantastic
i was pretty impressed but confused when i was done reading this, then i read your notes, you really did a fantastic job....all abstract poems should have notes. i'm not sure which stanza i like best, probably the cars in traffic and the old woman dying...nice job.
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i hate you for it you know.. you do a great job at beautifying the ordinary..you ass...
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These events you described are all so different and putting them next to each other creates a wonderful effect. I can't say I knew what you were talking about through the first read but I suppose that is the point. The last stanza was the most obvious. But I liked that one too. Thank you for entering this wonderful creative piece.
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Nice write :)
beautiful imagery, hope this one does well........
take care....!
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