From Society

                      Dear Prospective Member--

Join us and be merry
We'll always have your back
Unless your legs are hairy
Or you've got too small a rack

No, no we didn't say that
We're not shallow, not at all
As long as you're not fat
Or too short, or way too tall

We're not prejudiced against you
We love all on equal planes
But equal is an issue
And not all are quite the same

Blonde is better, moreso
Than brunette or even red
But we feel it best you should know
Not to use your tiny head

Everyone around here
Knows the colour of your hair
Has everything to show
About the wits which just aren't there

It's best that you be slender
Not too skinny, not too stout
But your size will never hinder
Of that we have no doubt

You'd better never ever
Love someone we see as lame
They must be a different sex
But their skin must look the same

You must have lots of money
And be popular to boot
No glasses, braces, freckles
Or we'll laugh and jeer and hoot

You'll need a fancy car here
A house, a job, a life
You must smoke and drink a cold beer
And boss or beat your wife

Then again, it would be best, I think
Never to be wed
We all know it makes you loony
And you'll soon flee from the bed

On the other lovely hand
We say you shouldn't shop around
It's best a perfect match to land
Keep your feet firm on the ground

Internet blind dating
Is a fad you can't ignore
All those folks we meet in person
Are such a drag and such a bore

You should never be quite truthful
You should often tell a lie
And it helps to be so beautiful
No one else will wonder why

Why you sleep with many others
Why you fool around in bed
When your husband seeks another
To mend the lies that you have said

But if you do these things
Be prepared to hear the words
Your whorish life swift brings
Your secrets all are heard

We'll tell you to speak freely
Then condemn your very voice
We'll call you weird and crazy
Lock you up without a choice

If you're hearing voices now
In your mind, we're swift to say
That you can't be right at all
And we'll put you safe away

But if you're hearing God, my dear
Why that's another game!
We'll be pleased that you've been chosen
And declare you are quite sane

You should always dress the part 'round here
We always dress this way
If you dress at all quite differently
We will turn and walk away

No, our noses aren't up high
No we're really pleasant folk
As long as you're just like us
Then we think there's lots of hope

But you'd best not wear strange clothes, son
Or earrings in your ear
You'd best not grow your hair out
We don't look like that 'round here

And if you do, we'll tell you
Right away to save your soul
Only Jesus wears long hair, boy
Only he can make it cool

You must be emo, goth, or punk
Or some other wacky type
We're in with all that jive, kid
We know all about that hipe

All you kids are all the same
And we will not change our minds
You're all a bunch of losers
Oh, we know your oddball kind

Still, you have a chance to change soon
To grow up and be a man
We'll forgive you all that you've done
Just kiss up as best you can

To become just one of us here
To be like we are now
To perform just like a puppet
Then to take a perfect bow

You must be how we want you
Your mind is ours to mold
But you should never use it
Simply do just as you're told

At the same time you must be
Intelligent and quick
Sharp on your two feet
Not the short end of the stick

You must be all and nothing
You must speak but make no sound
You must fly on wings we've clipped now
And keep your face pinned to the ground

Do this, do that, do everything
But be easygoing, calm
Your ignorance and ours will be
Just like a soothing balm

You must be how we want you
You must answer to us all
You must learn to speak all languages
And at all altars fall

There's so much more we ask of you
So much that we demand
You'll spend your whole life trying
Just to die a bitter man

But at least you'll be accepted
If you've pleased us-- every one
In Society's Great Kingdom
Your battle will be won

Just don't be quick to think that
We'll accept you if you fail
If you're odd in any way now
You will walk a lonely trail

We know it's quite a challenge
Your place here to assure
But truly it's not difficult
To be perfect...
                  There's no pressure