Think think think
words seeping into my mind
dripping, falling, crawling-
What is it? What's that?
no mustn't be
But what to do What to do
If only-no-
Tomorrow, tomorrow
But love, but love, but Ah!
But of course!
How insidious
this poison, this serpent
It bites!
The clock-why ticking
still ticking always ticking
tick
tick
tick
STOP!
Stop. Just stop please stop.
What's that?
Thinking, thought, think
Yes that's it.
Thinking, thinking
think
think
think
The agony! My soul! My heart! My clock!
Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll get that fixed.
Author notes
"Love, don't talk to me about love."-Marvin
Name: Silverink
A contest entry
- Searching For New Favourites ♥ by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended April 9, 2008, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Hmmm... This had it's moments for sure, though your use of the weird typing reminds me a bit much of dirty-pretty for my taste. In some poems, the repetition of words or phrases can strengthen the work, but here, I almost think it cripples the impact your poem could have had. Anyway, thanks for sharing and good luck.
Laura xxx -
-
While I respect your opinion, i must disagree completely. The 'dirty pretty' is supposed to be chaotic. If you believe that the typing is 'weird', then i have succeeded in conveying that part of my point through the presentation because that's precisely what it is supposed to do. The speaker in this piece is in disarray, and the structure of the poem reflects this instability and turmoil. I wasn't particularly going for dirty pretty, rather for the organized chaos going through this character's mind. Also, repetition is a key aspect that points toward insanity. The repetition here isn't used for poetic beauty, but to further depict a suffering man who has lost a bit of his mind and heart and therefore continues repeating what he says over and over. Thanks for the comment though.
-
-
I liked this piece, the thoughts running every wheres really affect the readers reaction to the piece & help connect to the confusion in the poem, not to mention the stregnth in the wording & flow. Well done. Thank-you for the entry.
-
The way that you have written this poem makes me feel as if there's a lot of confusion going on in there. Maybe that's the trick that did it actually, especially since it's related to the ticking of the clock - and since time stands never still...
Thank you for entering this contest, I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
How insidious
this poison, this serpent
It bites!
I really like that bit
Hmm this was an interesting read...quite enjoyable and jaunty, playful in a way. Someone below has used the word "whimsical" and I think that is the perfect word for it.
I like it. Thanks for entering and good luck
Take care x -
This poem has a wonderfully whimsical feel to it... I really like the way you write... and the last line is perfection...
Keep writing
Polly -
A pleasure to read this poem!
Images that made me smile and admire and think you must have enjoyed writing this fine poem because it has a really good feel about it.
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
