My fears have been growing, compiling
Filling my mind, my body with anxiety
There is no balance in the rhythm of my heart
Catching my breath, I’m falling apart
I should have been prepared, ready
For this untwisting, spiraling fate
Towards love’s inevitability, pain
Tearful losses, I’m going insane
Author notes
I was going to write more, but I'm just too confused...lost?
I see some people don't understand this writing or the rhyme scheme...well, I just wrote what I felt at the moment & left it at that...also, I don't see what's so confusing about the rhyme scheme..the two last lines in each stanza were supposed to rhyme..nothing too complicated
THANX FOR ALL THE COMMENTS AND CRITIQUES-Much appreciated
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Excellent!
I love this one. I've been there (and still am at times) and you express it so beautifully. The line that includes "untwisting, spiraling fate" speaks to me - reminds me not only of love but also of my panic attacks and how they feel - I could feel my stomach begin to drop out. Wonderfully done!
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Okay I don't think the rhyme scheme is all that complicated. It's easy to see that only the last two lines of each stanza rhymes. I like this poem. I liked how it feels like the confusion you were feeling was showing through. I like the length it is now, but if someday you do decide to go back and add more please let me know. I'm really taken with this write.
Lillian Rose
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You end the first stanza with two cliches in one line (catch my breath, fall apart), which all but renders the line invisible. There really isn't much of interest here, which suggests that you are relying too heavily on convention. The first step in getting past that is to be aware of the conventions (i.e. the idea that love always ends in pain is not new). I suggest exploring the particular feelings or physical sensations of insanity, and perhaps relate them to some imaginary broken landscape or something that gives you sensual imagery to relate and use as an intermediary between your experience/your feelings and those of the reader.
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It's a good poem. I was confused at what you were trying to say in the 2nd stanza and the third verse. Maybe you're confused too.
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short and well written
I like it, to be short, its very well written and flows great. and those words felt like they were burning as i was reading it. i guess thats where i am at right now too. it all ties together to me.
thanks for the read
luvpoet
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passion butterfly's last struggles to be free of the imprisoniing cocoon of lovelessness
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I think I know the feeling. I like the poem, very realistic and straight-forward.
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Inevitable is a fun word to say! Well... I think that this definitely needs some work because I'm not sure what kind of rhyme scheme you were going for here... but it just doesn't work... and I think you should make it a little longer.
It doesn't have much time to develop or entertain the reader.
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The club is crowded!
I had to read it twice to catch the rhyme scheme. Of course that could be because I'm a little confused myself. If it makes you feel any better, "tis better to love and lose---etc.
You would more likely be insane if the pain didn't bother you.
Good luck and keep writing.
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The title caught my eye, and after reading, I have to say it is a perfect title for this somewhat jaded look at love, or more specifically, your latest love. I like how you have rhymed only the 3rd and 4th lines of each stanza, it lends the piece a moral serious feel than if it all rhymed. In your author notes you state:
"I was going to write more, but I'm just too confused...lost?
I dont think this needs more per se, but I think that if you went back to it, you could expand it some( not too much lest it become contrived, the trick is to use your raw emotion( as you have here) and mix it with a little cynical logic( which is where the title takes you at first as does the line-
Towards love’s inevitability, pain-
I enjoyed seeing and reading this, especially after our short convo last week. I hate to be the one to say it. but I told you you would write again, its just unfortunate that it has to be such an unhappy topic. We write what we feel though dont we, thats what potery is about i think. I think we write our best when we are affected the most, wheher it be by joy or sorrow. keep writing its good for the soul...peace Terry
p.s. i will send you the complete(so far) cabana man today
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